March 15, 2002

I finally finished my song. I swear, these things just keep taking longer, and getting suckier, I feel like I spent way too much time on it. I think it might sound a little different from my other songs, which is what I was trying to do, but then...maybe not. You tell me. So I think after this, one more song will complete my "CD" and I will try and make different sounding songs after that...

[godammit the guitar is sort of out of tune..but..YOU WILL NOT NOTICE! ..yes, that'll work.]

Okay, what happened today. Ah. Nothing. I was especially tired, I think the entire school was. First of all, I was the only person today in my homeroom to bring in more food for the food drive. How pathetic. And then during first period, all the juniors had to take an HSPA field test. It was completely stupid, we had to correct this essay a "student" wrote and I think a 5 year old wrote it. It was just horrible, we could either write corrections in the margins or rewrite it, and I rewrote the whole thing (wasn't that long) which seemed easier.

And then I almost fell asleep during physics. And I felt nauseous, although that may not have been purely because I was in physics. Then again, physics does affect your brain in strange ways. My teacher made this whole nice powerpoint presentation about waves and printed out the slides for us. I think he must have used up an entire redwood to make all those copies for the class.

I finally got my Clinic CDs. I didn't get that Clinic EP though, it wasn't out yet when I ordered it. I knew that but I thought maybe they'd ship it well, I'll live, I've got the two albums now. [Listening to "Harmony"]...Ade Blackburn's voice is definitely a good thing. Too bad I can't see them on their US tour...but I can see the VELVET TEEN! Oo...alright, that's not really the same thing, but thinking of prospective concerts in my head...

[wants to see LIBIDO]

My mum let me eat the chocolate bunny we got the other day. I cut off it's feet first. Mwahahaha. That probably sounds bad, but cutting off the head first would have been more grotesque, I think. But it's such a yummy, chocolate-ee wonderful bunny...

Today I was thinking, "I am a great big giant dumbass." There is a nice thought for you. I don't do math. Math is about as dreaded as physics now. Sigh.

Holy crap. That's pretty creepy.

Mika is probably a million times smarter than me (ah!, she made a typo and spelled "smarter" incorrectly...I am too picky, heehee) and I too am too cheap to shell out the $14.95 to determine what the heck being a facts curator is all about.

OH I remember what has been bothering me most of the day! Apparently I have to join the National Honors Society, but I don't want to. This morning anyone who qualified to get in got a letter, and I'm sure many people do, all you need is a 4.5 GPA (remember my school is on a 5 point scale, whatever that is) which would account for the top 15% or 20% of the class I think. And honesly, I don't care enough for it. You're supposed to be a well rounded student and I'm supposed to go to various club/activity advisors and have them sign some paper about me being in certain clubs (cos you know I've been in like...two) and I'm NOT a leader! I don't want to be! My mum will probably kill me if I don't join, but it's not just a matter of joining, it's a matter of being accepted. Once you're in NHS you do have some responsibilities and then you're supposed to be some model student, which is a load of crap in my opinion (I mean, for ME, not for some other people). I even asked my brother if he had to join and he said "YES"...that is not true. What kind of family do I live in where you're expected to fail miserably if you don't hold some meaningless title which...[trails off]. Really, after I told my mum I didn't want to be in NHS, she said "Well fine, you can just go to William Patterson University then, blah blah blah," as though that is the most terrible lowest school in the nation. It's not, jeez. I am living in some kidn of world with grotesquely (I use that word too much) strange expectations...

I didn't see much point in arguing with my mum. I would lose any argument anyway, which is why I'm prone to giving up...99% of the time I'm wrong. Which correlates to my lack of everything and hellll I just don't feel like trying. I probably sound like I'm in a bad mood, but I'm not really, I just don't understand why I'm expected to do as well as my brother or be smart in general. I'm not I'm not I'm not, this has been proven before! THERE IS SCIENTIFIC PROOF of my lack of...that I'm lacking things. I don't want to be a parent ever and put stupid pressure on my kids...


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