January 30, 2001

Oh lord, thank you for this glorious day, and this glorious life, and this glorious food, and the dirt and the trees and the birds and the bees and the melting snow and the stench of decaying matter.

Yeah, I dunno what that was for. I think decay is a neat word. I should use it.m DECAYING. It's not a very fun word, like pancake. Yeah. Pancakers are people who are stinky. Or whatever, you can make up your own definition.

Today was just one of those days when you don't think much about anything. Well everyday there is something to think about but..I dunno. It was rainy and cloudy, it was just my kind of heaven. But after school ended the sun came out and I was like "CRAP! I can see the sunshine comign in through the windows!" I was sorely disappointed as I walked alongside Aliza to her locker in the 500 wing.

Ah well, if I could control the weather it'd rain a lot, or snow a lot. That would be even better, cos snow means the possibility of a snow day. I haven't had any this year, it's quite a shame. All the snow happens to come on the weekends which doesn't help me at all. HELP ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!

I'm listening to the Badly Drawn Boy album again, and it does sound better now like I thought it would. It's very good. I recommend it. Along with any Beck, Bjork, or Radiohead album. Doesn't anyone listen to me?

I'm lookin at Radiohead stuff right now at greenplastic (very nice site, it is what I'd love my Beck site to become but won't). Oo, Thom fanclubs. I dunno why that seems funny to me. Mm. Well. I'm not even in a Beck fanclub, I don't see myself joining a Thom fanclub (or T.H.O.M; Too Hard On Me). Hm, maybe I should check out the...Thomography. What a witty play on words, eh? Er.

One of the first things his father bought him was a pair of boxing gloves.
“He used to try to teach me to box, but whenever he hit me I’d fall flat on my ass.”

Wow..that's funny. That just made my day. Zip-a-dee-do-dah! How sad. Is ever male a potential boxer or sommat thingo? What the hell is sommat? I think I picked that up from my British friend..she said that once...and I was like "What the heck is that?" I think it means "something" but I could be wrong. It might mean "potato." Or maybe I made it up.

Wow it's late and I gots to wash me hair. Dammit, my connection sucks. Dammit, I shouldn't swear. Is that a swear word? I've been thinking, what makes something a swear word? Of someone says "fudge" all the time, isn't that the equivalent of their swear word? And I say poop a lot, extremely immature, but hey, what can ya do? I dunno. It's a rhetorical question, or a something-type-question-thing. I'm extremely eloquent, I know...*takes a bow*. Juno sucks big time, but NetZero is worse. When I sign on it won't let me go to any website I want to, it always redirects me back to the NetZero page or something. And then it'll only let me look at NetZero pages. That'll help me big time.

I left my stupid chemistry book in school so now I have to bring it with me to study hall, which means I have to lug ever single one of my textbooks around for the first 6 periods of school. Ugggh. WHYY? I only get to go to my locker at lunch, which is 7th period, and after that I've only got chemistry and study hall. So my bag is always full before lunch. But I guess it's my fault, I didn't think I'd need the book, but apparently my knowledge of atoms and Rutheford and Dalton and some other dead person just isn't good enough. It never is.

How much farther away is Valentines day? Like, 2 weeks? Cos why the hell am I seeing pink hearts and cupids and stuff like that kinda decorations around the place? That's just peachy, I think people made Valentine's day to remind all the people without love that other people are all gleefully happy with whatnot and like to celebrate and unintentionally shove it in our faces. I know people aren't trying to be mean but I tend to find everyone annoying and mean in some way. I must be the only person to doesn't really express anger or anything like that, and I hope I'm not too annoying. I plan on getting a little notebook in which I will write all the annoying things people do as to better improve myself byu not doing any of the stuff I wrote down. That makes sense eh? Oo. I'll go do that.

All day my nose has been stuffed. I hope my body is "cleansing" itself or this just sucks tons. In band playing felt really weird cos the air was going out of my nose, but it couldn't cos of MUCUS OVERLOAD and it felt uncomfortable. I needed a tissue but I couldn't spot one anywhere in the room. I don't like band too much.

I wonder what Beck is doing right now. I do that sometimes, it's positively freaky. And Thom, what is he doing? Maybe sleeping. I figure, sleeping, eating, or in the potty are possibilities. They take up a lot of time ya know.

I figured out what I wanted from life over the weekend, but I think I'll talk about that later seeing that if you got this far, you probably want to leave now. Toodles and good nite.

January 29, 2001

ARRGh I was writing and then the poop poop well I lost everything that I wrote.

But it wasn't that much anyway. Mainly be ranting about the greatness of Radiohead..well not exactly. Mondays are rather sucky, today was okay I guess. Aliza came over after school, because my house = fun! Er. Yeah, and we watched my new Radiohead documenraty thing called "Meeting People Is Easy." It was very intersting..I think Aliza slept for some of it, and it did make me a little dizzy, the camera work is interesting. But there was concert footage, a lot of behind the scenes type thing, and overall it was cool and intersting. The only problem was that I couldn't understand any of the band members when they were talking (which was a lot) because of those British accents, poopit! Ah well. Gotta love those accents!

And isn't Thom Yorke just wonderful? I dunno what is is about him, he looks sort of...little. He's probably taller in real life, although most people are compared to me. He looks...introverted? Um. Well. But when he performs he's like all crazy and jumpy and spastic. Oo I want to see a Radiohead concert (but that's probably near impossible, errgh!).

I did an in class essay in English today, what fun eh? Yup.

So yesterday I mainly watched TV even though I don't care too much about it. The commercials were cool though, especially that ony that spoofs the wassup commercials. "What are YOU doing?!" HAHA! Laugh with me, folks.

And I watched Survivor...THE AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK! Or something.

:) My life is a never ending thrill ride.

January 27, 2001

Doot doot, not much has been happening lately. And I haven't gotten an e-mail all day! I haven't been getting snail-mail for ages, I did send out some letters though...letters go out, but no replies come in, hm.

I got some CDs lately, today I (or more like my mum) got this 2-CD Beatles thing from 1967-1970 or something like that? Some years. Yup. Some pretty weird stuff, but the Beatles are always good, yeah? I also got the Badly Drawn Boy album "The Hour of Bewilderbeast" which to me forever looked like "Hour of the Wildebeest". I dunno if that's weird, but I swear, every time I read it that's what it looked like. It's close, but not THAT close. Eesh. I guess it's alright, maybe I have to listen to it a lot more to like it, I dunnooo. That happens a lot. I also got a Travis single for "Why Does It Always Rain On Me?" and the more I listen to it, the more I like it, which is good I guess. Cos I wasn't sure if I would, but I heard they're somewhat like Radiohead. Actually, NO one is like Radiohead, just like no one is like Beck or Bjork. : ) Anyway, it's a nice song, on the single they also do a cover of "...Baby One More Time" and it's funny cos it just sounds so much better than Britney Spears, but then it's scary cos you realize "Ahh noo this is a Britney Spears song!"

So I guess I will buy their album at some point during my lifetime, if I get to it.

I feel like I've been up forever today but it's only about 10 PM. And I woke up at around 1 PM. Well I had woken up numerous times that morning...first my alarm clock went off cos I forgot to TELL IT NOT TO, and my nose kept stuffing up and my throat kept drying up, and I had to pee...yup, the human body is full of surprises!

Yesterday I went to the mall and saw a 3D IMAX movie with my mum. It was called Cyberworld and it was pretty neat, except I felt so naseous from the movement and stuff. A lot of things will make me dizzy like that. It was a computer animated thing, like cartoons and weird stuff, very cool. They also had that bit of the Simpsons episode when Homer went into the third dimension, it was so funny! "Mmm...unprocessed fish sticks..." Homer is full of wisdom, ain't he?

I got 4 Parasyte books in the mail yesterday too from Amazon.com, that made me really happy. I read them all too..uh..oops? I guess they were supposed to last longer than one day, but I really love that comic. It's so gross though, all these people get hacked up and their heads get torn off, or cut off, and they're all bloody and stuff. At least the comic isn't in color, I guess that could be worse. It's very interesting, I want someone else to read it so I'm not the only person that knows what I'm talking about!

January 24, 2001

Today was weird. Actually, it was like a lot of other days. It started off absolutely crappy, and somehow got better in the last few hours of the day. It was a total change. I almost cried again, I always get that urge to cry for the stupidest reasons. This time it was because I didn't know how to do my computer science program. But this is the second time or so that my frustration has driven me to tears.

God, I must be such a crybaby. I wonder why I'm especially sensitive, not like anything bad happened during my childhood. I guess I was just born like that...? But when I get frustrated I either get sad/depressed or angry, and 99% of the time I get sad/depressed. Whyyy? WHYY OH WHY? WHY IS THIS WORLD SO CRUEL!?

Uh...anyway. Yup. When I get sad like that the last thing I want to do is talk to anyone, and that annoying guy sits next to me and asks how I'm doing (or something like that). Well, how do you THINK I am doing? I'm staring blankly into nothing, with my eyes half closed, about to go to sleep. Yeah. And I think he's seen mecry anyway, doesn't he get it? DON'T BOTHER MEEE! He attempted to help me but got nowhere, because I wasn't trying, and I ended up staying after school to finish my program with help from my teacher.

Anyway, I remained quiet during lunch afterwards...I felt absolutely horrible, because I hate crying, and I just hate being that way. So I hate...myself! I hate that! I hate that I hate the..bluh...okaaay...you get it, right?

But I'm fine now, which might be odd, might not be odd, I don't know. It's really annoying though, how I can't totally recall what I was like just hours ago, since my mood changes so rapidly.


Uh...oh, I was getting ice cream and I put my mouth on the ice-cold freezing spoon and it got stuck to my lower lip. It didn't hurt when I pulled it off at first, but I felt a slight tearing, and saw the spoon pulled off some of my skin and I was loosin BLOOOD! Oh fun. Spoons rather frighten me now. So there is some advice, don't do what I did, unless you want a bloody lip.
I said "No more Beck bbs!" and so you know, I ended up posting some stuff. I changed my name though. I got so paranoid for some odd reason, like I thought they all knew who I was, so I decided to change my username and get rid of any personal info. Does that make me paranoid? Eh? HUH? WHO ARE YOOOU? AHH! You know me! GET AWAY!

But that really is bugging me, I would like to remain very anonymous, for gender I decided to put...unspecified...because, you never know. It's a creeeepy world out there, HAHAHA!

You know, I should set up my own CafePress.com store, and design t shirts and mugs and mousepads and sell them to VIEWERS LIKE YOU and then I can make some moolah! HAHA! I can whip up some drawings, hmm...I wonder, will anyone buy my things? Well just have to see about that. So watch out for that sometime.

Ohmylord, the TV has gone nutso! It's making funny noises and is probably emmiting rays that will burn my brain toa crisp! And I'm just sittin here!...no it stopped. Ah. Relief!

God it is so late! The only reason I'm on is because I e-mailed my crappy program for comptuer science to my bro and he's supposed to e-mail me back the corrections so it'll WORK tomorrow in class, which is when it is due, and for 1 and a half hours I got nuttin! He must have a lot of homework. Eek!
HYPOCRITE! That's how you spell it! Duuuh! I thought it was like "hippo"...well that's me.

Another good word is apathetic. I think this is the perfect word to describe how I act a lot in school. I was so excited to find such a perfect word!...well I suppose that would mean I'm not apathetic, eh? Okay. Nevermind. Pancake!
I've been drinking a lot lately. Juice, that is. I dunno why but I'm thirsty a lot. Blerrgh. My mum wants me to drink water. Poo!

How do I put a picture in the blog? I found these really nice pictures of Iceland...er...yeah. That's where I've wanted to go all year...I mean, for sumemr vacation, not right now. Is Iceland a tourist spot? Because I don't think I want to go there if it's way crowded like Disney World or something. That place is HELL in the summer, just unbearable. I almost melted!

Anyway, apparently Iceland has got all these volcanoes..wait..uh...okay I haven't done much research on it. But they gots lava. Yup. Well it's not melted, just rocks it seems. If you've seen Bjork's music video for "Joga" (which you probably haven't) then you'd see all the coolness landscapes of Iceland. That video makes me woozy.

I wonder what it'd be like if I was born in a different country, or lived in a different country. Living in American has made me realize how boring it is. or living in New Jersey at least...

A sidenote, Conan is on Jay Leno tonite! That is the only reason you'd want to watch. Jay calls him the Irish smartass. Hmmm. CONAN RULES!

Anyway. I'll be watching the telly for a while, hahahaha....
...commercial break! So anyway, wouldn't that be neat? I'm glad I got to live in another country, really a cool experience I think, except now I don't think very highly of the town I live in now. It's hard to make a small town interesting I guess, and I've lost interest in anythign interesting, sad isn't it? I was eating dinner with my mum and talking about what I used to do for fun in Taiwan, and how easy it was for me to get things I needed...oh yeah, we were talking about the food in school. I eat a bagel and cream cheese a lot for lunch, and my mum says I can't eat cream cheese because it makes my nose stuffy. But there isn't really much else to eat to tell you the truth...hamburgers, fries, cookies..uh..sandwiches...well I always get a bagel is the hot lunch isn't something I like. So we were trying to think of any food I could bring from home to eat for lunch, but I'm not really and sandwich person, and then any hot food wouldn't be hot by the time I get around to eating it. In Taiwan I practically lived right next to a Family Mart and they always had some food I liked, sushi or rice and seaweed thingoes, or red bean popsicles. Well there's a lot more stuff than that, but I coudl eat practically whatever, and the food wasn't especially bad for my health I guess. But then I also lived really close to a McDonalds and ate there a lot. Eek. Fries = yumyum.

Yup. Fries. I like them fries.

January 23, 2001

I think we should all pick Icelandic names for ourselves. What fun.

Today was my quiet day. I didn't talk all that much at least. Not that I remember. People don't bother you that much if you're quiet and look tired. I think that's useful, especially at lunch time. Everyone at my table is really annoying to everyone else it seems, except me, I like to stay out of whatever they're doing. Heehee.

So I don't think I was especially depressed or anything, I was just quiet for some reason. I think I'll take a nap later. I'm always tired.

Tomorrow we start gym class...indoor soccer. I hate soccer. It sucks. Of course, that's just my opinion.

My mum just informed me that today is Chinese New Year's Eve. I had absolutely no idea. Eh. If I w as in Taiwan I'd probably be celebrating in some way. There are hardly any Chinese people in my school, I doubt anyone here's going to do much celebrating. I remember hearing fireworks a lot in Taiwan, it was the most awful racket you'd ever hear. It was fun to watch it explode though. They were really fireworks...they were red things that would...blow up and make a lot of noise. Firecrackers is more like it. Fun.

I don't know what else I did. I did a giant project on Chinese New Years, what did I learn? I guess I'll look at it again later.

I realized why I dislike certain people. Well I suppose there are many different reason, but some people must think they're my friend and they annoy me. Because what I need is a friend who can be my friend all the time, not just when they feel like it or if there isn't anyone better around. You know what I mean? I think it's more annoying when someone says hi to you a lot but never really has a conversation with you. Suuure, they're just trying ot be friendly, but it just makes me wonder why they bother talking to me at all. What I need is a full time friend, not a part time friend. It sounds like a job doesn't it? Maybe that's what it's like to be my friend, like a job. Eh. Or not.

January 22, 2001

my god, i feel like i'm going to start convulsing at any second.

it might jsut be cos I'm cold.

or I gotta pee.

or maybe i'm getting depressed again, hmmmmmphflugbip

flugbip. bipbip. bip. bip.
yawn. i took a nap today...i didn't really have any homework. sort of weird I guess. and technically I should be able to go to bed earlier than usual but I seem to always go to bed at 12-2AM

doot. i smile too much. its so hard for me to look angry at someone if I'm smiling ya know. I sort of wish I was irritated and angry sometimes, cos that annoying guy is still annoying, and he just makes fun of me. i can't ever get angry at the right times it seems. even worse, today in computer science we got new seats and now he sits behind me. i predict poking in my future. this guy used to do that to me in english...but I didnt hate him. i wanted to hurt him though. badly.

why do people poke me? do i look like someone who likes to be poked? i poke people..i should stop. it's annoying.

bjork got no golden globes. but of course, it's an honor just to be nominated eh? hm. well. she won other things I guess, you can't win every award. :)

my nose is always stuffed. more so when I'm down here (my comptuer is in the basement, or the "office") cos it's colder. it's nice in the summer, but in the winter..uh..it's just cold. and my nose never clears up it seems. but it's not just down here. when i'm sleeping sometimes I wake up cos I can't breathe right. ugh, I woke up at 5:30 this morning...not fun when you go to bed around 1 AM. I guess I just don't need that much sleep.

my new verb is: pancake. i haven't yet thought of a definition, but sometimes it just sounds right...like "I pancaked all over the floor." uh. well..use it. :)
yawn. i took a nap today...i didn't really have any homework. sort of weird I guess. and technically I should be able to go to bed earlier than usual but I seem to always go to bed at 12-2AM.

doot. i smile too much. its so hard for me to look angry at someone if I'm smiling ya know. I sort of wish I was irritated and angry sometimes, cos that annoying guy is still annoying, and he just makes fun of me. i can't ever get angry at the right times it seems. even worse, today in computer science we got new seats and now he sits behind me. i predict poking in my future. this guy used to do that to me in english...but I didnt hate him. i wanted to hurt him though. badly.

why do people poke me? do i look like someone who likes to be poked? i poke people..i should stop. it's annoying.

bjork got no golden globes. but of course, it's an honor just to be nominated eh? hm. well. she won other things I guess, you can't win every award. :)

my nose is always stuffed. more so when I'm down here (my comptuer is in the basement, or the "office") cos it's colder. it's nice in the summer, but in the winter..uh..it's just cold. and my nose never clears up it seems. but it's not just down here. when i'm sleeping sometimes I wake up cos I can't breathe right. ugh, I woke up at 5:30 this morning...not fun when you go to bed around 1 AM. I guess I just don't need that much sleep.

my new verb is: pancake. i haven't yet thought of a definition, but sometimes it just sounds right...like "I pancaked all over the floor." uh. well..use it. :)

January 20, 2001

I did some homework today. I am so very proud of myself.

I also read some of this book called "Too Young To Die" which is about young people...dying. Whoaa. Well like...mental disorders and stuff. The more I read it the more I feel like nothing is really wrong with me eh? Or sometimes, the opposite...well it'd be hard to tell now cos I feel fine, a little tired maybe, but I'm always tired. I always think it's so weird that at one time I could feel so depressed and stuff, and then feel all normal like nothing happened. Really, I don't feel like I've ever been different than I feel now, but I know I have been, and I know I will be...it's very annoying, because you never know how you'll feel the next day. You could feel happy, or feel hopelessly desperate. I wonder what that says about me.

Also, I've got no reason to be depressed. In the book, all the teenagers had some kind of problem, like their parents were pushing them hard in school and not paying attention to them, or ...were strange...well most of them were like that, and then there's me, there isn't really anything wrong with my life is there? I dunno.

Soooo....yup. My nose is stuuuufffed! Yuck.
me normal?

January 19, 2001

So what do you think of the new layout? It's not that different front before, I know, I just wanted it to look different. Gray is a wonderful color I think, so many different shades, so many GRAYS!

Yup. Anyway, today was like a lot of other days, started off poopy but got better in the end, although I don't know how. Gym sucked, but it usually does. At least we didn't play volleyball! Next in study hall, the teacher played a Saturday Night live skit on the TV because she wanted to show it to her French class and she decided to show...us! I saw it last year when she showed it to us, it's funny...Alec Baldwin is this French teacher who sounds real stupid, it's funny. HA!

In English we did research for our...research paper. I'm doing teen depression! Fun topic isn't it? Well if I narrow it down more, it's depression in young women I guess. Because we're supposed to base it on the main issue in the books we're reading and I'm reading The Bell Jar. It's a very good book by the way, I liked it. The main character isn't a teenager though...I think...actually I should check on that. She's a college student, so she might be a teenager, but she just didn't seem like a teenager in the book.

I found 4 books on depression in the school library. I almost never go in there so I didn't know there were so many books. I think I like libraries, I used to go to the public library a lot last year for research projects and stuff, and it's always so nice and peaceful there. Except the one time there was a fire drill, and then we all had to leave. There were like, less than 20 people in there anyway...eek...I mean, it's nice when there aren't so many people, but it seems a little sad too. Anyway...yeah, so I've been reading these books and now I don't think I've got any kind of disorder, if anything, my depression is very acute. I say this because the book was saying how you have to have certain symtoms for weeks or months at a time, and at most mine would last a few days. But then it happens so often, it's just that each time is buffered by a period of elated happiness...does that make sense? I mean, not like super happy, I don't remember what that's like, but I'm sure someone could tell the difference in my mood from not talking to anyone and walking all tired looking and stuff, to being hyper and talking and laughing a little too much.

So. I'm confuuused. I realized that when I'm not depressed, I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY annoying. I don't know why someone doesn't smack me. Today in chemistry we were supposed to work on outr lab or our project due on Tuesday, but we...uh..talked mainly...and one of the people in my group for the project had to leave and do something else. Anyway, I wasn't very sure what we were doing for our project so I kept poking my friend with a ruler going "Huh, what's going on? I'm confuuused!" Oh man, if someone did that to me I'd screaaaam! And then the dude in my group that had to leave, the annoying guy I hate, started telling me how weird I was or something and he scares the heck out of me so I just covered my ears till he left me alone. The other guy in my group is really annoying too, although not as much. He's got some weird fascination with my eraser which we call "Miss Rabbit" because that is what was printed on the eraser, before I scratched it off. Heehee. Anyway, this guy keep taking my eraser, which isn't nice, and was flicking a ruler. And another thing, he didn't know who BECK was! I almost went freako! Or Radiohead or Bjork, now really, you've got to be living in a dark hole/ditch your whole like to not know who these people are! And apparently, a lot of people have (been living in a dark hole/ditch). I brought up Beck because I was bored and scratched "I [heart] BECK! + RADIOHEAD! + BJORK!" It wasn't a big deal really cos the table was full of dents and grooves and such, although they all looked pretty old. My little message stood out, the table is a dark gray/black and when you scartch into it, it turns white. Hm.

I'm still confused about what I'm doing for the project though. Oh well. It's supposed to snow tomorrow, 4-6 inches. Which is great, cos that means no snow day on Monday ya know? GREAAAAT!

I think that's all I've got to say. :)

January 18, 2001

I just realized that this layout isn't very appropriate for my blog. It's too bright and the colors are sort of wrong. So I'll probably change that at some point. What a shame, isn't it?

Each day I feel like I have to prepare for disappointment the next day...well not prepare, but at least expect it. I could be in a totally great mood on day, but the next feel the opposite, and I expect it. That doesn't really make it okay, but...I dunno. I mean, I was okay yesterday, but today I just didn't feel like talking much, and everyone thought I was asleep or something but I wasn't.

Okay, let's start at gym class, the root of all evil. I just did not want to play. It was the last time playing volleyball for the quarter though, which ends tomorrow. The bad thing si that next quarter we're going to play volleyball again. Ugh. Anyway, I'm just not that competitive, and I didn't want to win...I don't mind losing. So I stood in my spot, which is the lower left corner of the court, I always stand there. It'd quite pointless, cos I hardly get to hit the ball, and when I go it usually doesn't go over the net. I hit the ball twice, and it went at most a few inches. And once I just let it totally go past me. Because I just don't care. I was trying to think of something to distract me from the game, so I stared at the wall across from me...it was sort of creepy looking. The wood made all these designs and they looked like some kind of being, not really human, like skinny, tall aliens. That freaked me out a little. They were all standing in a row like they were in an army or something. Anyway, I got bored of that after a while so I played some Radiohead songs in my head from Kid A, cos those are the weird ones. Can't understand what Thom is singing. I must have looked like I was sleeping or in a daze or something...and I'm never really sleeping in school, I'm almost always tired though. After I didn't go for the ball repetedly, this girl on my teach shouted something like "Wake up!" and that really disturbed me for some reason. The slightest thing like that will really mess me up. What does that mean, that I'm hypersensitive or something? I was reading my book of psychological disorders and there's one like that, when the slightest remark will depress you and haunt you or something. I remember all things like that...people rarely say mean things to me, but I remember about all of them and they make me very sad. You could say "Well just don't think about it!" but it's not that easy, you can't forget it. The way my teammate shouted at me to wake up, she sounded really aggrivated or something, and she scares me a bit now. Also, there was this time when I hit the ball and it barely went anywhere, and two people from the other team shouted "Go Robyn!" or something like that, something pretty inappropriate, and that got me very mad, so I told them to shut up. I hate sounding mean, I usually try to not say anything, but it really irritated me.

So I hate gym, but you knew that already.

Next was band, in which i didn't talk much, although I usually don't anyway, so it doesn't make that much of a difference. Nearly everyone in band is always talking and I'm sure it pisses off the teacher, but she doesn't do a whole lot to inforce a no-talking rule. It wouldn't affect me much, but we don't get as much done as we could if people didn't talk. Then again, I don't like band anyway, I always hope that we won't have band, that for some reason the teacher won't be there. I've found lately that I'm really bad at playing the music. Like today, I found I couldn't keep up with the rest of the band and so I just didn't play...and then I'd try to get bad into the song and that wouldn't last very long. Frustrating. I don't like the clarinet much anymore, and I'm not taking band next year, if I want to take psychology at least, and I would like to. I have a feeling I maybe not like it, but I have to do something that I'm interested in, right? And now I'm not too sure that I want to go on the band trip later this year...I've already signed up and paid some of it. But I realized, I most likely won't have much fun, because I've only got one other friend going on the trip, and we're not best friends, I know she'd rather talk to someone else besides me.

I've realized this before, but for some reason it became more apparent today, that I hate people like me, so technically I hate myself. I hate people who are all depressive and stuff one day and then all happy a second later, or the next day. Just being one or the other all the time is just as annoying. Technically I must hate everyone, or nearly everyone. Today one of my friends was complaining about how school is so stressful and stuff. I don't think I ever complain to my friends about anything, except being tired. Well I'd have to ask them about that, I'm not that sure, but I hate listening to people's problems. I still need to buy earplugs. I don't see the point of complaining about everything if you're not going to do anything about it.

But isn't that what I do all the time? Yup. Sad isn't it? A lot of things are sad I think. I don't annoy myself though, sometimes I just really hate listening to other people's problems.

Actually, you know what I really hate? When people try to make me feel better and I'd rather not. It's sort of mean, they're just trying to help, but I sort of like being depressed because I think a lot more when I'm depressed. Not about school things, just stuff in general. Whenever I go to my music lessons I can't ever be in a bad mood, the teachers there are so nice and happy and stuff. That annoys me. Like today I looked tired, because I had woken up from my nap at 7:45 and I had to leave for my lesson at 8:15. I was dressed up in my pajamas generally. Comfy. And I didn't talk as much as I usually would, but I was still sightly smiling. I can't help it I guess. I doubt the people there have ever seen me depressed, but I am a lot. They'd probably be surprised...I dunno.

January 17, 2001

I hate the beck bbs for another reason...totally different from that first reason. Ahhh well. I should stop going there.

All these people in my algebra 2 class (like...EVERYONE) was freaking out over our two day midterm, like cramming during the few precious seconds before class and asking random questions about matrices and step functions. The test ended up being really easy in my opinion, and I wasn't worrying at all. I didn't really study, and I figured the more I studied, the more I'd be worried I wouldn't do well, cos I'd realize there's a lot of stuff I don't know. So I figured just not to get too stressed out I wouldn't study and it worked well I think. Of course, I don't recommend it, cos it's realyl rare my teacher gives easy tests, I dunno why she did that. But I generally don't freak out over tests, because what is the point of freaking out? "Ohmygod, I'm going to fail!" Well okay, if you fail, you fail, talking about it won't do a thing, so why waste your breath?

I still can't stand that friend of mine that doesn't like our English teacher. I just don't understand why she hates her so much. She's not mean, but a lot of people think she grades unfairly. When I got Cs and stuff I didn't really think twice about it, I mean it's a new year, the works is harder than last year, I was disappointed but I got over it. My friend still isn't happy with the Bs she's getting. I just think that anyone that can teach a bunch of high schoolers must command some sort of respect, unless they're really out of line, and I would be able to tell.

Another thing I don't understand is why some people make comments throughout the class to themselves...like my friend in English class will sometimes just comment on the teacher (how stupid she is) but she's not really talking to anyone. I sit next to her, but I don't think she's talking to me, she's like, talking to herself. And it's really annoying. I'm especially bad at paying attention during class, the last thing I need is someone next to me talking. But it's much worse in chemistry, cos people talk across the room and sort of loudly too. My friend used to sit behind me before the teacher switched some of our seats, and every now and then she'd go "Will you shut up? You're so stupid.." in reference to the teacher, and I admit she isn't exceptionally bright, but syhe's sort of old, I'd cut her some slack. Like what, you think you could teach the class any better? Well...maybe she could...but sometimes she (my friend) says the stuff is so easy and the teacher is overexplaining everything, and I don't understand the material, so it makes me a little mad, like she thinks everyone in the class understands it because she does. And then even more ironic is that she asks me for help with the work sometimes. She says she doesn't understand it because the teacher doesn't teach very well (she doesn't teach really well, but she doesn't teach really badly either, just in between I'd say) but yeah, if you don't pay attention and you talk during the class and go to sleep you WON'T understand the material.

Somtimes teenagers are so unreasonable, it disappoints me and makes me mad. I mean...don't you see it? Is it just me? Am I being unreasonable? I can't tell if my logic is just as unreasonable as everyone else's, or if I've got a very different train of thought...ugh, whatever. It doesn't really matter anyway, you can't tell someone how to think.

Remember that annoying guy I was talking about before...a long while back? Well he's still annoying. I don't understand what is wrong with him, I mean...it's not like people hate him, he probably doesn't know how much he annoys me, he probably thinks it's fun. "Oh Robyn, stop freaking out." For gods sake, he was hitting my head with my eraser. Not like it hurts, but it's so annoying, and he doesn't even see it I bet. I dunno who he thinks he is, he's not my friend, but he seems to think he's my friend in some sense. "Robyn, why don't you say hello to me?" My question is, why does he say hello to me? Sure it's polite, but I don't say hello to everyone.

Poo. I haven't done any homework today...I hope I didn't have any.

January 16, 2001

Ugh, I really don't like the beck bbs now...well I didn't really before, but I'm always so bored that I've got nothing better to do than go there and read the topics. Actually, I just don't like to post stuff, cos I've always thought my opinion doesn't really matter, and no one else CARES, which is true. SO I did reply to one topic that I found a little interesting, it was about this dude who wanted to commit suicide, it's not like I said suicide was okay, but i must have said something wrong cos some people weren't very friendly towards my comments. It's things like that that make me wonder if I'm the messed up one...or something, ya know? Actually, I know the answer to that...

School sucks. Nothing new! I found out that the dude organizing the Beck tribute album is still taking songs, I thought he stopped in October. I would like to cover a beck song, but it'd prolly suck a lot that it wouldn't even be included on the album. And I wouldn't have much means of recording. I've got a little microphone, I could record in mono sound. Oo. Nah I won't do it, maybe if there's a 3rd one...or a 4th...just that the first tribute album got to Beck somehow, I think it'd be neat knowing Beck haerd you cover one of his songs, right?

I want raaaain. But not tomorrow, cos I've got to walk home. Today I took one of those math contests, and I got 2 problems right out of 6. That's pretty pathetic I think, I got the other questions WAAAAY wrong. Oh well. I don't expect to do well, but it makes me really sad taking those tests, makes me feel real stupid. I could stop whenever, but my brother said it looks good on your college transcript or something. Well that's dandy, not like I'm majoring in math, and technically I don't know if I'm going to college. All this sadness for nothing, that would be depressing. It already is actually. Sigh.

I don't do any activites in school besides those math contests. I hate activities. I hate getting together with other people and being made to interact. That's pretty much what school is like, no wonder I hate it so much. Oh well. One of my friends says it'll look really bad when/if I apply for college and I've got no school activities to show for myself. I'm thinking, big deal, like I care. This school I go to isn't the worst school on earth, but I just can't stand it knowing there are better things out there. Well...not exactly. That sounds selfish doesnt it? Okay okay...lemme think...I have no motivation that's all. I've still got that notion that some lives have no meaning, I happen to be living one of those lives. The last thing I want to hear is "Oh yeah, SUURE your life has meaning!" If you really believe so, you can tell me. Haha, I didn't think so.

January 15, 2001

Gah. I've never had MLK off. Oh well, I guess having the day off wouldn't mean much, it's not like there is much to celebrate. I mean, in greade school we always had to learn about Martin Luther King Jr, but now we..don't. Eh.

Besides that, nothing's been going on. NUTTIN. School really sucks though! Not that I expected something else.

January 14, 2001

The Ultimate, Ultimate Survey

1.) What's your first name? Robyn
2.) Middle name? Pace
3.) Last name? Lee
4.) Nicknames? rob, roboppy, plinko, plasti-cheese
5.) Age? 15
6.) Sex Gender? female
7.) Birthday? august 27

Question 8 died.

9.) Where do you live? in a house
10.) Do you have a boy/girlfriend? no never
11.) If so what's her/his name?
12.) Have you ever been in love? i dunno
13.) What are your favorite colors? blue and gray
14.) Do you have any piercing, or want any? nope, dont want any
15.) If so what do you have/want pierced?
16.) Do you have a tattoo or want one? nope, nope
17.) If so what kind and where?
18.) Where do you shop at the most? ...probably the supermarket
19.) What color is your hair? black
20.) What color are your eyes? dark brown
21.) How tall are you? about 5 feet
22.) Do you smoke? no
23.) Do you like to eat skittles? yup
24.) Do you do drugs? no
25.) What kind of music do you like? the kind most other people dont seem to like
26.) Who are your friends? people?
27.) Who are your best friends on-line? like net friends? uh. i dunno
28.) What person could you tell almost anything to? thats not me? no one. other than that..me
29.) What kind of shampoo do you use? i think its finesse or something
30.) Is your hair short or long? sort of long
31.) Do you like to shop? matters what i'm shopping for
32.) What sports do you play? I'm not very athletic ... :P
33.) What are you most scared of? everything
34.) What is your favorite animal? penguins
35.) Who are/were your crushes? no one
37.) How many phones do you have in your house? 6? with cells, its 8
38.) How many T.V.'s do you have in your house? 4 normal ones, two little ones
39.) What's your favorite foods? japanese
40.) Do you look like anyone famous? nope
41.) Do you think Brad Pitt-girl/ Sandra Bullock-guys is attractive? to someone he is
42.) Who are the most attractive people you know? i dont know
43.) Are you a virgin? duh
45.) What cologne should a hot guy wear? none, cologne smells like crap
46.) What are you listening to right now? the fuzzy noise in my headphones. if I use winamp everything goes mega slow, although everything is going slow already
47.) Who are you talking to right now? no one
48.) What time is it? 5:50 PM
49.) What's your favorite saying? i dunno, i dont bother to remember many
50.) Do you have your own phone line? not one thats called "robyn's phone line"
51.) What's your phone number? why shoudl I tell you? i dont want ny phone calls
52.) Have you ever kissed someone of the opposite sex? beside my dad? no
53.) Favorite shoes? i dunno. i wear campers
54.) What kind of clothes do you sleep in if any? a white long sleeve shirt and blue space camp sweatpants
56.) What soda do you drink the most coke / Pepsi? coke, cos usualyl thts all there is, and they taste the sam to me, even though there s supposed to be a difference I guess
57.) What things do you say a lot? poop, crap, gibberish
58.) Are you the serious or loud or happy or shy type? i'm all of em. its non-stop madness I tell you. im' more liekly shy and serious though if l eft alone
59.) What kind of car do you want/have? one that works well
60.) Who is the coolest person in the world? probably beck
61.) Do you think you're weird or funny? I'm probably just weird.
62.) What is the funniest thing to do? um..
63.) Girls: Thong or Bikini? why cant i wear plain underwear for gods sake
64.) Boys: Boxers or Briefs?
65.) Who was the last person you called? aliza, yesterday, talked for like 3 minutes
66.) If you could have 3 wishes what would they be? poof, no school, poof, i'm smart, poof, i'm a whiz at the guitar
67.) Where do you wanna get married? no marriage for me
68.) Who is the hottest chic in your school? uh.
69.) What are your favorite girl names? i dunno, i dont liek girl names
70.) What are your favorite guy names? i dunno
71.) If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? my name
72.) Have you ever tried to kill yourself? no, but i think about it if you stare at a sharp object logn enough you sort of lose interest..either that or you go crazy
75.) What are your favorite fast food restaurants? i dont eat fast food...i guess mc donalds, or burger king though
76.) Who do you really hate? most people
77.) What are the ugliest names? i think berth is not a bood name
78.) Do you have any brothers and sisters? one bro
79.) Do your have a pool? nope. i do have trees though
80.) Do you have a spa? nope. i got tree
81.) Are you stupid? its a possibility
82.) What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? how they look, this is sort of a stupd question
83.) What are you addicted to? not much
84.) Do you like jewelry? not much
85.) Who do you wish you were? i dont midn being me
86.) What are all your e-mail addresses? why shoudl I tell you?
87.) What is your favorite song? there are too many good songs. Killer Cars is sort of catchy, and a Sigur Ros song, bjork songs, beck songs, radiohead songs, like Idioteque, and Fake Plastic Trees, and Let Down. Fake Plastic Trees is very nice
88.) Do you like to dance? no, it sucks
89.) Are you On-line a lot? duh
90.) Do you like playing pranks on people? no, its not nice
91.) What's the stupidest thing you have ever done? i dunno, matters what you think is stupid
92.) What's your favorite subject in school? i dont like any of them
94.) What time is it? 6:05PM
95.) How many people are on your buddy list? like 10..9, just deleted some
96.) Are you sick of those darn pornos in your e-mail box? yeah
97.) What college do you wanna go to? i dont want to go to colleg
98.) What school do you go to? ramapo high schoool.
99.) Do you like playstation? yup
100.) What are your favorite playstation games? espn extreme is fun
101.) Do you have your license? i can get my permit in the summer
102.) Do you sleep a lot? duh
103.) What are your fave radio stations? i dotn really have a favorite. i listen to z100 in the morning. its tolerable. there is another station thats good, but I forget what its called. they played beck.
104.) Are you a night or morning person? more like night, although i'm generally tired all day
105.) What are your favorite web sites? i dont have a favorite
106.) Can you define love? go look it up in the dictionary if you want to know
107.) What's your favorite TV station? nbc is nice
108.) Who are your favorite teachers? i dotn have a favorite
110.) Do you get along with your parents? yeah
111.) Are you rich or poor or in the middle? middle
112.) How many bedrooms does your house have? four
113.) What do you wanna be when you're out of college? who said I was going?
114.) Do you have an on-line crush? no
115. What is your guess on what happen to the real 115, 116, and 117? some retard forgot em
118.) Are you ticklish? yeah. dont ever touch me
119.) What's your favorite flower? i dont like any of em
120.) What are you wearing right now? my favoritegray cashmere sweater. imean, its my favorite sweater, overall.
121.) Do you go to church? no way, i'm an aetheist
122.) What would you consider yourself a prep, gang banger, freak, dork,etc.? i dotn fit in any thing
123.) How many kids do you wanna have? i dont want kids
124.) Do you believe in God? nope
125.) Do you like to watch PDA? hell no, why would i? i dont like it, it bothers me
126.) Do you like bananas? they're okay
127.) Do you believe there is one person who is meant to be with you? nope
128.) Do you believe in love at first sight? no
129.) What color tooth brush do you use? white.
130.) How many times a day do you brush your teeth? 2 times at most
131.) Who is your favorite cartoon character? i donthave a favorite
132.) Do you have a job? goign to school
133.) What turns you on? huh? am i on or off? if i'm off i'm dead arent i
134.) What's your favorite fruit? starwaberries
135.) What's your favorite vegetable? yuck
136.) What's your favorite candy? i dunno
137.) What was the best day of your life? i dunno
139.) What are you gonna do today? homework, eat, sleep, take a shower..
140.) Are you momma's little angel? uh..?
141.) Do you wear body spray? ew
142.) Girls: Do you like guys with facial hair? well if they look stupid with it, i guess not . i'm imagining my old band teacher, he looked scary, and finally shaved it off
143.) Do you have AOL 4.0? noo
144.) Who is the sweetest girl? i dunno, no one is really sweet
145.) Who is the sweetest guy? no guy is really sweet
146.) Are you wearing nail polish now? hell no
147.) If so, what color?
148.) How many rings or necklaces do u own? what thehell, do i hafta count em before i go to bed? who cares!
149.) Do you wear a watch? yeah, all the time.
150.) What's your favorite toothpaste and mouth wash? uh. the kidn that works
151.) Did/Do you have braces? i had em
153.) Do you have any scars? yeah. where i burn my hand
152.) Are you tired? 99% of the time, yes
154.) Have you ever cried over someone of the opposite sex? no
155.) Do you like lollipops? i guess
156.) What are you thinking right now? my tummy feels weird (period cramps?)
157.) How many buddies do you have on-line right now? 0
158.) What's your favorite CD? mutations is probably the best, but i haven't listened to it in a long time. the bends is good too
159.) Who makes you laugh a lot i dunno..conan o brien
160.) Who's your favorite teacher? this looks familiar..uh..none
161.) What's it doing outside right now? its pitch black, how the hell shoudl i know?
162.) How many pillows do you sleep with? 2
163.) What's the dumbest nightmare? thats a weird question
164.) Best concert? beck
165.) What's a deep secret that you could tell? uh. no
166) Are you tired of filling this out yet? yes
167.) Who of your friends do you think will get married first? how should i know?
168.) Who sent this lovely survey to you and what do ya think about them? karen has a giant pikachu
169.) What's your worst memory as a lil kid? i got lost in toys r us ones
170.) Have you ever cheated on anyone? like who?
171.) Do you believe in ghosts? no
172.) Who's the one person you care about most in the world? no one. well my family? uh
173.) What's one moment in your life that was the scariest? ummm..i dunno
174.) What's a hint about your crush? i dont have one
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

The first time I read that, I thought it was nice, kinda cute. But then I looked at it again and realized it doesn't make that much sense. The stars are much MUCH farther than the moon, billions of light years away, so if you missed the moon, you'd just float around in space. If you got to the moon, the stars would look jus t as far away as if you were on earth most likely, that would kinda suck.

Today was a lot like yesterday. I forgot that my mum wanted to go to a buffet brunch, so I didn't go. I woke up before her and my bro and ate a TV dinner, oops. Oh well, I was tired anyway. I read 60 pages of The Bell Jar, which is turning into a very interesting story. The first hundred pages weren't really interesting, semi interesting maybe, because my teacher said it was a story about depression and she (Esther) wasn't all depressed in those first hundred pages. But then she went sort of nuts, didn't sleep for a month, or eat or write anything (she's a writer..yeah) and then she tried to kill herself by eating a jar of pills but it didn't work and now she's at this psychiactric hospital I think. It's sort of freaky. Cos when outsiders think you're some deranged maniac, they try to hide you away, and you're the only one that knows what's wrong with you. From what I've read, I really wouldn't want to go to a psychiatrist, they seem sort of stupid. I already decided I didn't want to go to one though. The only person I want to talk to about my problems is myself.

So after I read those 60 pages, I took a 1 and a half hour nap. I think I'm sick, cos my breath smells funny, or acidic as my brother said. Today is the last night with my bro before he leaves for college again, but he'll be back in...March? I'm not sure. He's taking the fish stuffed animals, those are some of my favorite. Sigh. But then I get to keep all the penguins so I guess I should be happy.

It's 5:23 PM, and I think I've got lots of studying and homework to do, but I really don't feel like doing it. Maybe I shouldn't. If i don't do my work, my English teacher will realize that AP English isn't a good place to put me, no matter how well I can write. English isn't just writing, there's also comprehension of stuff, and I don't have comprehension.

I think most people have tomorrow off for Martin Luther King day right? I don't, and I've never had that day off. I guess it's not much of a celebration of ones birthday by cancelling school, but if I didn't have to go I could go to the airport wiht my mum to drop my bro off, but I have to go to school. I should remember my priorities...school before everything else. Ha, yeah right.
Last night I was sleeping when my brother came into my room. He does that sometimes, but it's usually just to annoy me...

He was saying "Beck's on SNL right now!" I was really tired, and I didn't feel like getting up, but I really wanted to see it, cos it was his first appearance and I've never seen the whole thing. Like...a snippet maybe. But even though I was really tired, I kept thinking that I was missing it, and couldn't go to sleep for a long time anyway. And I still hate myself, because I'll prolly never see it. The chances of that particular episode coming on again anytime soon is rather slim, because on public television NBC shows an old episode of SNL once a week, and it could be any episode really. I can't get anyone to record it for me on Comedy Central...if I had Comedy Central I prolly would have seen the episode 10 times by now.

But I don't, SOOO...who cares.

Something is definitely wrong with my computer. I can't even get it to shut down anymore. I just turn it off. That's nice, it's probably adding to the problem, whatever that may be.

I'm quite sure I've got a lot of homework to do, but I'm really lazy, I want to go back to sleep actually. There are lots of TV dinners in the fridge now, I'll eat one for lunch...
You know what I thought was weird...on TV, there was a commercial with the "highlights" of the following newscast, and one of them went something like "High school football player is killed..." But what if it wasn't a football player, but a soccer player or a track and field star? I can't imagine them going "High school soccer player is killed" thats all. Actually, they would probably just say "High school student is killed" and that's it. Cos they only seem to mention sports if it's football. i'm not saying that's always true, but isn't it the least bit interesting? Maybe? ...

Okay, so I know you're just begging to hear some of the 50 Signts He's Into You, which come from a scientific study done by Twist magazine. I'll pick some that I found a bit strange. Also, the magazine made a mistake and printed one of the reasons twice, which is more like 49 reasons, right? I guess I was right in my last post, that sooner or later you'd see the same thing twice. Anyway...

Reason No. 1: He just happens to walk by you locker like, 50 times a day.
That's right girls, not 50, but LIKE 50! So if it's more like, 49, he is NOT into you!

Reason No. 4: He takes the ring you always wear and tries to fit it on his pinky
I just didn't totally get that. I mean, I GET it, but it sounds stupid doesn't it?

Reason No 10: As he's flipping through his notebook, you sport a page with your phone number scribbled on it, surrounded by doodles.
That's a little too obvious, isn't it? Unless..."Yeah I saw my phone number! But it was surrounded with doodles of stick figures hanging themselves and pointing guns to their heads..hm..."

Reason No. 30: When you ask for some of his M&M's, he makes sure he doesn't give you any brown ones.
Will someone tell me what's wrong with the brown ones? Chocolate is brown anything, I would think it's natural to have a BROWN M&M. If a guy did that to me, I'd think he's weird..."What the hell, he's picking out the brown ones. Maybe he's got OCD.."

Reason No. 42: He asks you what your middle name is and after you tell him, he state your full name out loud.
Another one I don't totally get.

Reason 33: During a school assembly, he asks someone if he can swap seats with them--so he can be closer to you.
Reason No. 35: He wants you to show him your baby pictures.
Reason No. 36: He always asks you what you're (they made a grammar mistake, HA!) plans are for the upcoming weekend and come Monday, he always remembers to ask how it was.
Reason No. 37: He forwars you those personality questionnaires which always include the question, "What do you like in guy?" (I think they means to says 'guys or 'a guy')
Reason No. 41: He knows you class schedule--and just "happens" to turn up where you are several times a day.
Reason No. 50: You're on his AOL Buddy List, and you can always count on him to Instant Mesage you as soon as you sign on.

Two words: restraining order.

January 13, 2001

This computer is sucking. Lately, like everything has been going verrrrry slow...like right now as I type this, the letter don't come out right away, the cursor moves, and then a second later the words will come up, which is weird cos that's never happened before, but it IS...my computer is dying. I should probably reformat it or something.

Other than that, I'm FIIINE yeah, the Internet sucks too, which isn't really my computers fault is it? Or maybe it is...well its' been sucking all week, it'll go on the net and disconnect 10 minutes later, or stop WORKING, I think it'd be better if it just disconnected cos when it just stops i wait hoping it'll start working again and when it doesn't I disconnect and reconnect, if it just disconnected for me that would save me something to do.

I'm also kinda hungry cos I haven't eaten much today. Well I haven't done much of anything, and I guess I don't eat too much usually. There isn't anything in the house that I realyl want to eat. There's only one TV dinner left, I guess I'll eat that if I get REALLY hungry, and I made pasta last night but my brother ate the leftovers, and so besides that there are noodles and some other pasta that I don't like a whole lot. Okay, it might sound like i've go t alot to choose from, but really, I've seen people's kitchens, they've got cupboards full of food and stuff and a fridge practically overflowing with stuffff...

DAMMIT I think my internet connection died again. I'll just get off for a while then...

ANYWAY I was talkin about food. Yeah. I'm sort of hungry. But really, does a person need to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner (or in my case, lunch and dinner)? I'm just used to eating dinner somewhere around 6-8PM, but maybe I'm not actually hungry, and I don't really need the food. All I can think of is food right now though. What's open now, McDonalds? Not like I can drive, nor should I eat food from McDonalds.

So yeah. Today I didn't really do anything. I woke up, came to this computer, went on the Internet, watched some cartoons, changed my clothes, went out to eat, went to three different restaurants before we (my mum and I) found one that was open (Chinese, mm) and...ate. Came home, read some mags I got in the mail (Twist and Rolling Stone) then took a nap, came back down here, went on the net for hours, disconnected and reconnected countless times, went upstairs to see what there was to eat, came back down here, watched TV, went back on the net, got disconnected...yup. AND NOW I'M HERE! AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE BUTT?

I've been getting about no e-mail all week, and I can't figure it out. I guess people are busy or something, all of em, at the same time. No letters either, everyone is busy. Yup. Good for you. I realized how much more boring life is when you don't get e-mails or letters.

I was also thinking about the Wallflowers and Beck fans that have e-mailed me over the past few years. What happened to all those Wallflowers fans? They just stopped e-mailing after a while I guess. And the Beck fans. I don't know why, like we'll exchange one e-mail and then..poof, no more. Or maybe more than that. I think at first these people see my website and decide to write me something, and they think I'm nice. But then they realize "There are other Beck fans out there!" and find out they're more intereting than I am, which is true, they are. Well, stranger than me maybe. I go to the Beck bbs and see a whole other culture of people who are somehow connected and either love the same things or hate the same things, not everone can agree on one thing, but...I dunno. But even I can't fit in with them, because I hardly have opinions on anything, and I really don't like to post much. Cos that woudl be a waste of time, just as much of a waste of time as reading everything, which is what I do.

I'm such a hippocrite! Wait, is that the right word (the right spellling?)? I don't follow what I say.

While reading the Twist magazine, I found it very funny. And my subscription apparently hasn't run out yet like all my other ones. Hm. Well some people follow those types of magazines religiously, maybe I shouldn't find them funny. But how many times can you have an article named "50 Signs He's Into You"? Apparently, you can have one in every single issue. Sonner or later you're going to see the same thing twice. I should put up my favorites here...I think one of them said "He sees you eating animal crackers and asks you what your favorite animal is." Why would anyone do that? Oh well. I mean, first of all, I don't know anyone that eats animal crackers. But they are quite good. I used to eat em. Second of all...I dunno, it just seems sort of lame, can you imagine a girl going up to her girlfriends saying, "He asked me what my favorite animal was! I'm SURE he likes me!!!"

Glee. I'll see if there's anything to eat now. Maybe something magically materialized in the fridge.

January 11, 2001

I was reading one of my friend's online diaries, and I found it very interesting, cos she sort of wrote about stuff I was thinking about...sort of. About someone who was once a friend, but then didn't want to be, two friends who are always together and she doesn't feel connected to them, blah blah blah. And this, which I thought most closely said what I feel sometimes...

Sometimes I feel like I'm such a horrible person/friend/girlfriend. Sometimes I feel like no one truly cares about me, and if they do, I have such a hard time showing them I care also. I don't know why. I wish more of my friends would call. I wish my boyfriend would call. I wish I didn't cry so easily. I hope only my really good best friends are reading this. I hope I will feel better about my social life soon.

Hopefully she won't mind me putting it there, I dunno if she reads this anyway. But minus the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, and the friends calling, I think that's sort of what I think sometimes. I think I'm not a great person, you could tell me "Oh you're a GREAT person!" and I'm not gonna take you very seriously, cos only I can really judge myself, so you shouldn't say stuff like that. I wish I didn't cry so easily, or get that feeling. I for it today in chemistry, but it wasn't that bad. I don't think that anyone REALLY cares for me, but then I don't care too much about most people, there are maybe 5 or less people in this world I really care about.

As for who reads this, I really don't care, cos I don't think I've got "really good best friends"...if you think you are, I'm sorry, for a long while I haven't felt like anyone is fit to be a best friend or anything like that. And I don't care much about my social life, I don't like social things anyway, I'm a recluse, I like being by myself. Is there anything wrong with that? Cos i don't think so. Some people think I should do more stuff, but I'd rather not.
Today started off rather cheery, but it went downhill after English class. It usually starts in gym, english, or comp sci, the irritated-sleepy mood I get in a lot.

So anyway, why do so many people cheat? I know everyone does it, and I understand why, but I wonder, what the hell is wrong with these people? Isn't it an unwritten rule that cheating isn't a good thing? But so many people do it, cos they're really lazy, and I thought I was lazy, but I think in comparison to lots of Amreican high school students, I'm not. I procrastinate, but nearly everyone does. Just that today in English, we took these a little quiz for "Lord of the Flies" and when we were done we exchangerd them with a person sitting near us to correct them. I look at the person's test I got and realized I got some wrong, but I wouldn't change em then cos obviously that's cheating. I coudl afford to get a B, you know? But then the guy turns around and changes an answer on his test. I protested, for about a split second ("What the heck are you doing?!") but after thinking for a realyl long time, I decided I'd just let him cheat. He's not my friend, why should I correct him? He sucks, so he can keep cheating as long as he wants if he thinks it's a good idea.

That really pissed me off, yeah that little thing mad me mad. People have cheated off me before and it annoys me, but there isn't much you can do about that, but I could have changed the answer on the paper back to what it was before, which was..the WRONG answer, but..yeah. One of my friends did that to me once. After we had exchanged our papers, she chagned one of her, saying "I MEANT to write that down, I swear!" I never liked he as much after that...I don't think she knows that, but whatever. It doesn't really matter. Well you know what, I MEANT to get a 1500 on the SATs, but I got a 1250, you know, meaning to do something that was in the past doesn't count for much of anything.

In computer science I had absolutely NO idea what to do, just like this whole week in that class has been. I tried to go to sleep in front of my computer, but it was sort of hard with the keyboard in the way, and everyone else talking. For a long while now I've wanted to get earplugs to wear in class, cos people talk a lot and if the teacher is just letting us work on something, I can't concentrate well when there are a lot of people around me talking. Even if people AREN'T talking, I'm not that good at concentrating, so you see, it ain't good. And sometimes if there's nothing to do, I'd like to take a nap, and that't nearly impossible if there are a million people chatting away about god knows what.

Chemistry wasn't so bad, my only friend in that class wasn't there because she had felt sick and was sleeping in the nurse's office, but that didn't really bother me. It was probably better that way, cos if she had seen me half dead barely breathing, she would have probably asked "What's wrong?" Well maybe she wouldn't, but I think she says stuff like that. And I'm never up for talking about how I feeeeel and stuff, I just hate that. When I'm depressed I can't stand being around another depressed person, but I can't stand being around a cheery person either. At lunch one of my friends was both of those, so I moved to a different table. I told her I wanted more room to do my homework, which was true, because beforehand suddenly all these people came out of nowhere, none of these people being my friend, and it was too crowded really.

I thought it was funny, my friend was like...all depressed about SOMETHING, she was talking about it and i've heard it a milloin times, "My parents are going to kill me, my teacher is a bitch, I got this bad grade, blah blah blah" and she had her arms crossed on the table with her head lying on them. I do that a lot, you know, as I hopelessy try to sleep during the last bew minutes of class. One of her friends came over, saying "Whats wrong?" or something like that, and I dunno what they said, but they musta talked for a while. Stuff like that has made me think that no one here really cares about me, I think it's pretty obvious when I'm not feeling well, but in a sense thats good, because they can't do anything and I'd feel guilty if I've aggrivated them as they tried to lift my spirits with no results.

Yup. Everything I think is contradicted by something ELSE I think, or so it seems to be. ARRRGH! When I think about things like that, it's like talking to two different people....who...live in my brain! Stupid brains!

January 10, 2001

Oo you know what happened today? I hit the volleyball in gym class..whooaa! TWO times! I thought it was hilarious, cos my teammates were like "Go, Robyn! Yay!" The ball didn't even go over the net, yet it was still cause for celebration. Talking to me must be like talking to a toddler or something..."Good job, Bobby, you hit the ball! Here's an ice cream cone!"

I don't know if that's sad or not...it sort of it eh? Hitting the ball isn't such a big deal, not like I'm mentally retarded. Ah well. :) One of my teammates kept telling me to smile though, that didn't really annoy me, but I thought I'd try not to smile just to annoy her. I don't like her or dislike her really, she's just...there. Yup.

My English teacher recommended me for AP English, I was afraid of that cos I don't like to write that much, and I think that's what it is, right? Ugh. My mum wants me to use my full potential or something, blargh! Noo I'm lazy!

January 06, 2001


Heehee. I dunno what that was for. Diddly!

Not much has been happening lately. Went back to school. Yuuuup. Uhhhh. That is quite uneventful. School sucks man! I turned in my first program in computer science that doesn't work, WOO!...ee...no that's not good. When I realized the period was over and my thing didn't work I thought I was going to cry OR throw the computer out the window, but oh well, I can afford to get a D.

It snowed yesterday! I didn't know it was going to snow that much, but at the end of school it was TOTALLY WHITE FLUFFNESS outside, it was pretty cool! Really pretty too. It was quite slushy though. We got about 2 inches I think, so all the old gray crappy snow has a nice fluffly layer on it. Which will turn yucky and gray too.

Yesterday I saw Miss Congeniality with Aliza and Sheryl, that was fun. It's a funny movie, go see it! And then we ate at this mexican restaurant, where they give you TOO MUCH FRIGGIN FOOD! First, instead of giving you bread like most restaurants they give you a basket of REALLY GOOD TORTILLA CHIPS which they probably make there. They taste really..fresh! And they're soooo good. We ate like, 2 baskets of that..."Oh no, she's givin us more!" Yeah. And for an appetizer I got fried calamari. I make it my mission to try the fried calamari at ever restaurant I eat at. It was good. Yup. And my main course was chicken stir fry, but it was more like "giant pile of vegetables with rice somewhere underneath with some chicken on the top." I suppose it's good to have lots of vegetables, but I just wanted chicken and rice, really. Or candy. CANDY!

Today I saw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon again cos one of my friends wanted to see it..well something like that, but yeah. So we did! Yup. After that my mum and I went to NY to buy some Rich Art chocolate and eat dinner. Mainly for the chocolate. It's THAT good! :) We ate at thsi nice chinese restaurant. Nicer than take-out!

And now I'm HERE typing HERE...I'm thirsty, maybe I should get something to drink...

Heehee. I dunno what that was for. Diddly!

Not much has been happening lately. Went back to school. Yuuuup. Uhhhh. That is quite uneventful. School sucks man! I turned in my first program in computer science that doesn't work, WOO!...ee...no that's not good. When I realized the period was over and my thing didn't work I thought I was going to cry OR throw the computer out the window, but oh well, I can afford to get a D.

It snowed yesterday! I didn't know it was going to snow that much, but at the end of school it was TOTALLY WHITE FLUFFNESS outside, it was pretty cool! Really pretty too. It was quite slushy though. We got about 2 inches I think, so all the old gray crappy snow has a nice fluffly layer on it. Which will turn yucky and gray too.

Yesterday I saw Miss Congeniality with Aliza and Sheryl, that was fun. It's a funny movie, go see it! And then we ate at this mexican restaurant, where they give you TOO MUCH FRIGGIN FOOD! First, instead of giving you bread like most restaurants they give you a basket of REALLY GOOD TORTILLA CHIPS which they probably make there. They taste really..fresh! And they're soooo good. We ate like, 2 baskets of that..."Oh no, she's givin us more!" Yeah. And for an appetizer I got fried calamari. I make it my mission to try the fried calamari at ever restaurant I eat at. It was good. Yup. And my main course was chicken stir fry, but it was more like "giant pile of vegetables with rice somewhere underneath with some chicken on the top." I suppose it's good to have lots of vegetables, but I just wanted chicken and rice, really. Or candy. CANDY!

Today I saw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon again cos one of my friends wanted to see it..well something like that, but yeah. So we did! Yup. After that my mum and I went to NY to buy some Rich Art chocolate and eat dinner. Mainly for the chocolate. It's THAT good! :) We ate at thsi nice chinese restaurant. Nicer than take-out!

And now I'm HERE typing HERE...I'm thirsty, maybe I should get something to drink...

January 02, 2001

Isn't it fun to talk to friends ya haven't heard from in ages?

"oh welpz..so what's new? got a bf? or any of those hot caucasian guys? hahaha. j/k"

Oh my god..thank god she was just kidding or I'd have to kick someone's ass, and there is no ass here to be kicked. So that is a problem. I wouldn't seriously kick anyone's ass, I just think some people deserve it.

Anyway. Not that any of you would, but don't even think about asking me a question like that. My opinion of guys is that most of them act like retards..I don't they're unintelligent, but they act stupid, especially the "hot caucasian guys", but they could very well be unintelligent. For instance, today I got to tutor that kid again in algebra. Not fun. I dunno what this kid's problem is, he just won't concentrate or be serious about learning anything, and I'm not a good teacher, so it makes things a lot harder for me. I'm not gonna give up on him, what he's doing is pretty harmless, although one day I might be really irritated and go crazy, you never know. I'm waiting for that day.
School is just as retched as I remember! And the joys of childhood never cease to amaze me...

FIrst is gym class. I don't see the point of going to school for that, and since it's first period I may as well skip it. Right? I don't care of I get an F, I think that's what I deserve, but I think you can get a C just by showing up and changing which is real STUPID if you ask me. If I get a B I know something is up. Cos I don't do anything in gym class...well not now at least. We're playing volleyball. A cruel game, but aren't they all? It's not really that bad, but maybe the morning makes me extra irritated. I stand there and try to avoid the ball mainly. I hate serving too, I used to not mind it but now I hate everything that has to do with volleyball. I dunno why. ARGGGH.

Also, a junior died over the vacation, although I don't know how. I know he wasn't sick or anything. So there was a moment of silence in homeroom, but I didn't know. The teachers just told us to be quiet and then I heard nothing. Then later I found out someone died. I know I prolly seem insensitive of something, but I don't want to mourn over someone I didn't know. Every second some people die right? Or every something seconds, 18 people die...I dunno. I know in the same time period more people are born than die (obviously). So what about them? I'm not mourning over them. So why should I mourn for this guy? Okay, I'm sure i'd think differently if I had a friend that died. But if I died the last thing I want is the whole school to have a moment of silence for my selfish butt. I don't want people that I don't care about to know I died, why does it matter to them anyway? I'd rather they just be happy for me, that I finally got my wish. Death doesn't have to be such a bad thing you know. I'm saying this about myself though, apparently the guy that died was a smart and good person, quite unfortunate. There are so many people in my school who don't deserve as much as they have, and the person that happens to die isn't one of these people. Oo well.

...not that anyone really DESERVES to die. Some people want to though.

Anyway...I don't think I've got anything else to say. Is life a big disappointment? I dunno if school makes me as depressed as I think it does. Actually, I don't know what makes me depressed. Maybe there is a section of my brain that tells me to be that way. I should get that removed. Actually I should get my brain removed so I don't have to think at all. I hate thinking sometimes. Like when I went to bed this morning (12:45 AM) I couldn't go to bed for a while...all I could hear was my heart beating, the blood flowing around my ears. It's almost unbearable. Furthermore, the part that realyl disturbed me was that I was writing a suicide note in my head. Don't worry, I'm not going to commit suicide, I was just thinking, if I DID what note would I write. I think about these things a lot, I don't really recommend it.

One of my friends who reads this asked me an interesting question...something like, "Do your friends there care about you?" I mean, not just me in general, I guess all this stuff I write about. Well first of all, my friends here don't read this as far as I know. I'm sure they care about me in some sense, but I'm not exactly strongly connected with any of them ya know. We're not real soul mates. So even if they did care, there isn't anything they could do, so I'd rather they just didn't care and not try than to care and try but for me to know it'll never do anything.

I still haven't found a person that could do anything for me. Well I think so. Hopefully it's not that important just yet. The last thing I want to do is talk to people who I don't know and who say they "want" to help me when they don't know me. Yeah, I change my mind, I don't want any help. I'd rather just SLEEP all day.

January 01, 2001

2001. Fun fun fun.

Today my family met with my mum's uncle's family and ate a buffet lunch at this country club. My god, I hate those places. They're so nice and clean, you KNOW something is up. The food was so nice lookin at stuff, and everyone had to dress up nicely...it's just not my thing. They made my bro put on this turtle neck thing, I forget what they're called, cos he didn't have a collared shirt on. Yeah, like the world will end if there is a bare neck in site, yeesh!

All the food I wanted to eat there wasn't good for me anyway..it was either fried or had cheese or SOMETHING, I think I still ended up eating a lot. The dessert was nice too, I didn't eat that much of it though. I was pretty tired and all I could think of was getting home, cos tomorrow I've got to go back to school and I'd like to spend my last day of freedom sleeping and doing nothing. I just tried to go to sleep. We ended up staying there for about 2 hours...it's a freakin buffet! People talk too much, and I had no one to talk to. I hate that, I shouldn't have even been there. My bro got to talk with some of the other people...yeah. I wanted to cause some destruction, but I didn't. That woulda been intersting though. I just felt very angry and sad, mainly cos of school.

And now I'm here back home. Yay. There are lots of things on my mind, but I can't think of any cos there are so many I think. That happens. Well.

For a totally random question, do you think it's okay to have sex if you're like...15 or 16...and you're totally in love with the other person and you've planned it out and stuff? I mean, I figure it is. Okay that's all.

Yeah. So I decided to do what Rebecca did and think about..what I did this year, and what I plan to do next year.

This is what I did this year:

-saw Beck in concert (2 times)

...you know, I totally came to a blank after that. Isn't that sad? It is. Okay lemme think some more...

-saw the suckiness of high school
-decided that I hate a lot of things
-found lots of good music (Bjork, Radiohead, etc)
-realized there is no real meaning to life
-got a credit card that I have so far never used
-stopped guitar and drum lessons
-went to Disney World with a bunch of friends (school trip)

I could go on but...not really, I'm thinking really hard and that's all I can get out of it.

This is what I'd like to do next year:

-not go to school
-not gain weight/fat (i could say lose weight/fat but I'm trying to be reasonable)
-not spend too much money
-not eat too much fried food/dairy
-enroll in a psychiatric ward or figure out some way to die intentionally unintentionally

If those aren't the best goals for the new year, I don't know what is. I'd say the year wasa big disappointment, not even Beck could have saved me. Each Beck concert sort of cancelled out the other in some sense I think. This year I've been more depressed than ever, I dunno why, just happened. Must be something going on in my brain. And I sort of hate life. Who's idea was that anyway? Life. Strange. The new year will be like the last, nothing really changes you know.