April 11, 2001

Garh. Today was a bad day. Usually by the time I get home I'm alright but I'm not. I'm still zombie-ish. Even the sleep didn't help. I'm still tired...and I'm always sleepy. Gr.

So what happened? I dunno. Maybe I shouldn't even say, it's stupid. Am I really sensitive or something? If I am, I wish I wasn't. Gym class ruined my whole day. I wrote something down in study hall afterwards, I didn't have any homework, and I wasn't sure what to do. I would have written a letter to someone, but I haven't got anyone to write a letter to. I think this year I got one letter. I replied to it. I'm still waiting for a reply, maybe for nothing. I found this little notebook in my backpack and wrote in it as though I was writing to someone, but I'm not...so here is what I wrote.

- - -

Today's gym class sucked. I guess it always does. But it's been a few months, I'd have to say, since I last cried in gym, right? Well I really couldn't help myself, I never can. I don't know why, maybe I've got some dysfunction in my brain. Or something is unbalanced. But there is never anything really wrong. I wish I'd get hit in the head with a softball, then maybe I wouldn't have to play. If I knew that I'd have to live through today for the rest of my life, I'd rather die than attempy to hit the ball again. I just stood there, limply holding the bat. no smiles. my gym class doesn't deserve any smiles...from me. Even thoguh I was hardly trying, I still managed to hit the ball. I didn't want to, cos then I knew I'd have to run, and I didn't want to. I ended up not running anyway. I knew if I tried I would get out anyway, why waste my energy? I don't know. But it's just me I suppose.

I haven't got any sudden bursts of creativity, but I thought I should write something. If I had my guitar, I could write a song, but I'm in school right now. It could be worse, at least I'm in study hall, listening to Amnesiac. Thank god for Radiohead.

I forgot to mention, the real problem with gym is that people make fun of me. I know they're just jokes, but those jokes make me hate everyone. I'm a hateful person, big deal. Not like I woke up an decided I'd hate everything. I think for a split second when you wake up you don't really think about anything, you're still somewhere elkse where there are floating suns and lots of nothingness. Actually, there couldn't really be nothing at all, there is always something.

they all look at you in your general direction but no one knows who you are
they go backwards
take back the money and run
empty bags wait to be discovered before the police made a prisoner out of you
before another building dies

come on the world will die tonight
it's happened before
this day is no different from the last

pick up sticks
throw them on the floor
they're neglected and unwanted
who would want them anymore?

pick up dust
blanketing a meaningless existance
why even try?
why even try when the devil will get the best of you
before you get the chance to take a stab?

[drawing of mountains]

- - -

Alright, I dunno if that explains things. But I don't totally remember what it felt like at the time since it's been so many hours. About 12. I just didn't want to play softball. That's all. It's stupid, but I should have a choice. I don't see why I go to school for first period anyway, I should just skip first period. I was the last to bat on my team. I didn't want to try. I hate crying. It's messy.

All the stuff in italics are my pseudo-poems, I don't call them real poems, because I don't think they are, but then it's not normal writing either, so it's somewhere in between. I don't know why I drew the mountains.

My day got bad again during last period, we were doing a lab in Chemistry and I accidentally spilled hot water on Jon, after Aliza had broken a test tube which contained a solution we were supposed to observe. I felt bad, but I didn't apologize, so I feel worse. But I don't like Jon. So should it matter? Well as far as I know, he's still a human being. Still, he made fun of me during English, he was like "Hey Robyn, good job playing softball today..." which was a load of crap. Why be all sarcastic to me? Does he think I like that? That's what all the other people were like during gym, they were like "Way to make an effort, Robyn," or "Good job, Robyn!"...why do people always need to comment on everything? I never do. I don't talk much during the day, but there is absolutely no point in making extra comments about other people, even if they're just jokes. I hate jokes. A joke is a joke to the person who tells the joke, but what about the othe person? You dunno what they'll think. I don't think anyone in my class really has anything against me, but I just hate it when they tell me to smile, or make comments like that (which happens a lot) because they're not even my friends, why talk to me? So I hate them all.

Maybe tomorrow I can just lie down on the grass. Take a nap. At this point I don't care if I fail gym. So my GPA goes way down, not like I have a big plan for my future. Maybe i'm supposed to fail. Something out there wants me to.


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