January 02, 2001

School is just as retched as I remember! And the joys of childhood never cease to amaze me...

FIrst is gym class. I don't see the point of going to school for that, and since it's first period I may as well skip it. Right? I don't care of I get an F, I think that's what I deserve, but I think you can get a C just by showing up and changing which is real STUPID if you ask me. If I get a B I know something is up. Cos I don't do anything in gym class...well not now at least. We're playing volleyball. A cruel game, but aren't they all? It's not really that bad, but maybe the morning makes me extra irritated. I stand there and try to avoid the ball mainly. I hate serving too, I used to not mind it but now I hate everything that has to do with volleyball. I dunno why. ARGGGH.

Also, a junior died over the vacation, although I don't know how. I know he wasn't sick or anything. So there was a moment of silence in homeroom, but I didn't know. The teachers just told us to be quiet and then I heard nothing. Then later I found out someone died. I know I prolly seem insensitive of something, but I don't want to mourn over someone I didn't know. Every second some people die right? Or every something seconds, 18 people die...I dunno. I know in the same time period more people are born than die (obviously). So what about them? I'm not mourning over them. So why should I mourn for this guy? Okay, I'm sure i'd think differently if I had a friend that died. But if I died the last thing I want is the whole school to have a moment of silence for my selfish butt. I don't want people that I don't care about to know I died, why does it matter to them anyway? I'd rather they just be happy for me, that I finally got my wish. Death doesn't have to be such a bad thing you know. I'm saying this about myself though, apparently the guy that died was a smart and good person, quite unfortunate. There are so many people in my school who don't deserve as much as they have, and the person that happens to die isn't one of these people. Oo well.

...not that anyone really DESERVES to die. Some people want to though.

Anyway...I don't think I've got anything else to say. Is life a big disappointment? I dunno if school makes me as depressed as I think it does. Actually, I don't know what makes me depressed. Maybe there is a section of my brain that tells me to be that way. I should get that removed. Actually I should get my brain removed so I don't have to think at all. I hate thinking sometimes. Like when I went to bed this morning (12:45 AM) I couldn't go to bed for a while...all I could hear was my heart beating, the blood flowing around my ears. It's almost unbearable. Furthermore, the part that realyl disturbed me was that I was writing a suicide note in my head. Don't worry, I'm not going to commit suicide, I was just thinking, if I DID what note would I write. I think about these things a lot, I don't really recommend it.

One of my friends who reads this asked me an interesting question...something like, "Do your friends there care about you?" I mean, not just me in general, I guess all this stuff I write about. Well first of all, my friends here don't read this as far as I know. I'm sure they care about me in some sense, but I'm not exactly strongly connected with any of them ya know. We're not real soul mates. So even if they did care, there isn't anything they could do, so I'd rather they just didn't care and not try than to care and try but for me to know it'll never do anything.

I still haven't found a person that could do anything for me. Well I think so. Hopefully it's not that important just yet. The last thing I want to do is talk to people who I don't know and who say they "want" to help me when they don't know me. Yeah, I change my mind, I don't want any help. I'd rather just SLEEP all day.


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