January 11, 2001

I was reading one of my friend's online diaries, and I found it very interesting, cos she sort of wrote about stuff I was thinking about...sort of. About someone who was once a friend, but then didn't want to be, two friends who are always together and she doesn't feel connected to them, blah blah blah. And this, which I thought most closely said what I feel sometimes...

Sometimes I feel like I'm such a horrible person/friend/girlfriend. Sometimes I feel like no one truly cares about me, and if they do, I have such a hard time showing them I care also. I don't know why. I wish more of my friends would call. I wish my boyfriend would call. I wish I didn't cry so easily. I hope only my really good best friends are reading this. I hope I will feel better about my social life soon.

Hopefully she won't mind me putting it there, I dunno if she reads this anyway. But minus the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, and the friends calling, I think that's sort of what I think sometimes. I think I'm not a great person, you could tell me "Oh you're a GREAT person!" and I'm not gonna take you very seriously, cos only I can really judge myself, so you shouldn't say stuff like that. I wish I didn't cry so easily, or get that feeling. I for it today in chemistry, but it wasn't that bad. I don't think that anyone REALLY cares for me, but then I don't care too much about most people, there are maybe 5 or less people in this world I really care about.

As for who reads this, I really don't care, cos I don't think I've got "really good best friends"...if you think you are, I'm sorry, for a long while I haven't felt like anyone is fit to be a best friend or anything like that. And I don't care much about my social life, I don't like social things anyway, I'm a recluse, I like being by myself. Is there anything wrong with that? Cos i don't think so. Some people think I should do more stuff, but I'd rather not.


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