January 18, 2001

I just realized that this layout isn't very appropriate for my blog. It's too bright and the colors are sort of wrong. So I'll probably change that at some point. What a shame, isn't it?

Each day I feel like I have to prepare for disappointment the next day...well not prepare, but at least expect it. I could be in a totally great mood on day, but the next feel the opposite, and I expect it. That doesn't really make it okay, but...I dunno. I mean, I was okay yesterday, but today I just didn't feel like talking much, and everyone thought I was asleep or something but I wasn't.

Okay, let's start at gym class, the root of all evil. I just did not want to play. It was the last time playing volleyball for the quarter though, which ends tomorrow. The bad thing si that next quarter we're going to play volleyball again. Ugh. Anyway, I'm just not that competitive, and I didn't want to win...I don't mind losing. So I stood in my spot, which is the lower left corner of the court, I always stand there. It'd quite pointless, cos I hardly get to hit the ball, and when I go it usually doesn't go over the net. I hit the ball twice, and it went at most a few inches. And once I just let it totally go past me. Because I just don't care. I was trying to think of something to distract me from the game, so I stared at the wall across from me...it was sort of creepy looking. The wood made all these designs and they looked like some kind of being, not really human, like skinny, tall aliens. That freaked me out a little. They were all standing in a row like they were in an army or something. Anyway, I got bored of that after a while so I played some Radiohead songs in my head from Kid A, cos those are the weird ones. Can't understand what Thom is singing. I must have looked like I was sleeping or in a daze or something...and I'm never really sleeping in school, I'm almost always tired though. After I didn't go for the ball repetedly, this girl on my teach shouted something like "Wake up!" and that really disturbed me for some reason. The slightest thing like that will really mess me up. What does that mean, that I'm hypersensitive or something? I was reading my book of psychological disorders and there's one like that, when the slightest remark will depress you and haunt you or something. I remember all things like that...people rarely say mean things to me, but I remember about all of them and they make me very sad. You could say "Well just don't think about it!" but it's not that easy, you can't forget it. The way my teammate shouted at me to wake up, she sounded really aggrivated or something, and she scares me a bit now. Also, there was this time when I hit the ball and it barely went anywhere, and two people from the other team shouted "Go Robyn!" or something like that, something pretty inappropriate, and that got me very mad, so I told them to shut up. I hate sounding mean, I usually try to not say anything, but it really irritated me.

So I hate gym, but you knew that already.

Next was band, in which i didn't talk much, although I usually don't anyway, so it doesn't make that much of a difference. Nearly everyone in band is always talking and I'm sure it pisses off the teacher, but she doesn't do a whole lot to inforce a no-talking rule. It wouldn't affect me much, but we don't get as much done as we could if people didn't talk. Then again, I don't like band anyway, I always hope that we won't have band, that for some reason the teacher won't be there. I've found lately that I'm really bad at playing the music. Like today, I found I couldn't keep up with the rest of the band and so I just didn't play...and then I'd try to get bad into the song and that wouldn't last very long. Frustrating. I don't like the clarinet much anymore, and I'm not taking band next year, if I want to take psychology at least, and I would like to. I have a feeling I maybe not like it, but I have to do something that I'm interested in, right? And now I'm not too sure that I want to go on the band trip later this year...I've already signed up and paid some of it. But I realized, I most likely won't have much fun, because I've only got one other friend going on the trip, and we're not best friends, I know she'd rather talk to someone else besides me.

I've realized this before, but for some reason it became more apparent today, that I hate people like me, so technically I hate myself. I hate people who are all depressive and stuff one day and then all happy a second later, or the next day. Just being one or the other all the time is just as annoying. Technically I must hate everyone, or nearly everyone. Today one of my friends was complaining about how school is so stressful and stuff. I don't think I ever complain to my friends about anything, except being tired. Well I'd have to ask them about that, I'm not that sure, but I hate listening to people's problems. I still need to buy earplugs. I don't see the point of complaining about everything if you're not going to do anything about it.

But isn't that what I do all the time? Yup. Sad isn't it? A lot of things are sad I think. I don't annoy myself though, sometimes I just really hate listening to other people's problems.

Actually, you know what I really hate? When people try to make me feel better and I'd rather not. It's sort of mean, they're just trying to help, but I sort of like being depressed because I think a lot more when I'm depressed. Not about school things, just stuff in general. Whenever I go to my music lessons I can't ever be in a bad mood, the teachers there are so nice and happy and stuff. That annoys me. Like today I looked tired, because I had woken up from my nap at 7:45 and I had to leave for my lesson at 8:15. I was dressed up in my pajamas generally. Comfy. And I didn't talk as much as I usually would, but I was still sightly smiling. I can't help it I guess. I doubt the people there have ever seen me depressed, but I am a lot. They'd probably be surprised...I dunno.


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