December 31, 2000

Happy New Years...Eve! ...woo..hoo!

December 30, 2000

Oh well, all that snow frenzy craziness is over. Sigh. It was nice while it lasted. I haven't been outside. My mum, bro, dad, and my bro's friend's family went for a walk. I stayed home, because it's not like they're my friends, if I went on the walk too I wouldn't have had anyone to talk to. Also, I'm "sick"'s a weird sick..I dont' have that normal sick feeling, but I was playing stuffed animals with my bro and my head hurt quite a bit, and my throat feels WEIRD...I feel like eating something.

And my nose is stuffed with mucus that won't come out...I'd rather have a runny nose that I can blow the mucus out, this is like stuff that refuses to come out. I'll blow my nose, and nothing happens...I hate that. And then it feels like my eyes are gonna pop out cos I'm blowing so hard. And then my head hurts. And it already hurts! Hm. Strange.

But other than that I'm just peachy fantabulous. I was a little pissed at something before but I sort of forgot what it was. Oh yeah, I hate life, but I've been saying that, nothing really new. I've had stuff to do, important school stuff, but I haven't done any of it and there are only two days of vacation left. I hate life, I wish it would end right now! NOOOW! I don't care if I never go to college or see the Great Wall of China or live on the moon, I'm waiting for nothing aren't I? I mean, not just me, all of us. We're waiting to die. It's so stupid I think.

I want a chicken pot

You should listen to Sigur Ros...because they're good. Good bands have been hard to find. I mean, really good. They're hiding someplace.
Heehee, there is more than a foot of snow! Yay! I love snow, it's so pretty. YAAAY! I've decided that the chances of school being cancelled on Tuesday are zero percent, but...oh well. There are like 1500 plows running around New Jersey cleaning up the roads..NOOO GO AWAY! Yeah, don't clear the roads so people won't get into accidents and make it easier for them to get to their jobs, we students need you to NOT clear the roads. Please! Okay, maybe just my driveway, so I don't have to shovel it,

Or something like that. My bro is going outside with a ruler to measure it. Looks like 10 inches so far. I dunno, it just looks like a lot. I haven't been watching the weather all week so I had no idea it was going to snow so much, I just woke up and saw white EVERYWHERE and I could see the snow falling without my glasses which told me...uh, it was a lot of snow. Usually the weather people lie when they tell us it's going to snow. By some miracle this snow will carry into Tuesday and school will be cancelled...ergh, I know that isn't going to happen.

December 29, 2000

Oh my god, it worked. I am beyond amazement. It took me ages to figure out how to do though. My noggin is fog...gin.

Anyway, today I did hardly anything. Slept a lot, read a bit (a very small bit of the Odyssey), and I haven't eaten dinner yet. It's like 10 PM...almost. Poop. My brother has a bunch of friends in the kitchen, I'd rather not see them. I don't like people. :)

When I woke up from my nap, I walked around and I had this horrible pain in my head. So I went back to sleep. But I found that just by not moving my head too much, there isn't much pain. Cool. Maybe I have a tumor, that would explain a lot.
If it works, my blog should be moved to, so...go there! :)

December 28, 2000

I'm starting to like books more. Well I've been reading more Garfield and The Far Side lately..I know that doesn't exactly constitute as literary material, but it's a start. Today I read the Dave Barry novel "Big Trouble" for a few hours. It's really interesting...I can't begin to describe what it's about, cos there are 5 things going on at one time, but they're all connected in some way. It's pretty funny. You should read it.

Ah...uh...what else. Haven't been doing much else today. I rather like doing nothing. I don't see why I always have to have something to do. I mean, there is always something I can do, but I don't always need to be entertained. If I have nothing to do, I can go to sleep, or write, or read....or do origami. Or play/listen to music. I would prefer sleeping I guess. Writing is good, as long as it's not school related. Reading and writing is always killed by the school. I don't like the books the school wants us to read, I certainly don't enjoy writing lengthy essays discussing the satire of Huckleberry Finn either. Yeesh. I just got this giant blank gook...well not giant, but it's not exactly a journal, cos it's a bit heavy, just a big blank book, and I've been writing to it like it's a person. But I know it's a book. Yeah. At least we hope so.

I told myself I would write my "Milk is Bad" report today, but I don't want to anymore. I highly doubt I'll want to tomorrow either. Sigh.

Are you close to your relatives and stuff? Cos I'm not. And my dad is always visiting his cousins and stuff and asking my bro and I to join him, if they have kids at least. And really, why would I want to meet my dad's cousin's sons or something? To tell you the truth, if they're not my direct cousins I don't care that much. My dad will talk about someone I've never heard of like they're great pals, and I find out it's my second or third or tenth cousin, or SOMETHING like that, and just cos you're somehow distantly related to someone, doesn't mean you have to meet them and all that stuff. "But she's your second cousin's brother's wife! We must meet!" Uh. Well I think my dad plans on dragging my bro and I to meet his second cousin and his sons.."They're your age!...I think..." Even so, I don't take much interest in people my age. I'd rather be around adults. And they're guys, like that'll help me. Maybe my bro can play videogames with them or something...or maybe we won't go at all. There's supposed to be a snowstorm. That doesn't happen much.

Is Christmas supposed to be some marvelous time or...something? I don't know why I even celebrate it. An excuse to get presents I suppose. Or not. I get presents from my friends and that is nice and all, but I really shouldn't get any presents. I mean, the people that get tons of presents at Christmas probably don't get to have much during the year, so they get all the good stuff at Christmas, right? I mean, if I want a CD player, I can get it right then, but for other people their parents would probably tell them to wait till Christmas. That's the way I see things at least. So I can't get much at Christmas cos I can't think of anything I want; I've gotten most of it already. This Christmas my mum's present to me was to clear me of any money I owed her. I probably owed her $50-$75 from various Christmas shopping. I had bought myself a comic book and a CD I think. Generally, her present to me was money to buy other people presents. I think that works out, don't you? Recycle the Christmas spirit. Ha.

December 27, 2000

hiho. i'm tired. ive been quite tired today. i slept a lot. i prolyl shouldn't. i wanted to do homework..i mean, I didn't want to , i had to, but I stil lhaven't done any. oops.

i saw the emperor's new groove today. it was cute. and funny. david spade is funny. haha. there was a really cute cat in it. you should see it. he was fluffy.

everyone get cool presents? i got some cool stuff...a penguin pin, a penguin candle, a Radiohead CD, a nifty journal, a box o candy, a target gift card, a mr potato head keychain, two one dollar minutes of happiness.

i'm really okay, i dont feel well, but it's probably in my head or something. my nose is always runny though. my throat is dry too, i keep waking up in the night to rinse my mouth. and blow my nose. poop. i dont like my nose. the holes dont work...aren't they there for a reason?

why doesn't some one read this () and tell me if milk is good. i gotta get one person on my side, right?

hack cough. phlegm is not your friend.

December 24, 2000

Happy Christmas...EVE! HAHA!..uh..yeah..well it's Christmas Eve. Nothing better to do on Christmas Eve than go to Manhattan for a bit 'o shoppin, eh? :)

My mum drove me to Times Square and dropped me off across the street from the Virgin Megastore. It was pretty cold, I had my hat, scarf, and gloves on. Nice and cozy! And my bro gave me his cell phone, which vibrates...good thing too cos it's sort of hard to hear it ring with all the noises and stuff.

I was pretty early so I walked around the Virgin Megastore a bit. When I walked in they were playing this Beatles song that I stuck in my head..."She loves you, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!" I was supposed to meet Diana at 11, and it ended up that she got there early too and was walking around. But I didn't know that until after 11...I was thinking "Man, where IS she?" Then I see her and she's like "I've been here since 10:40!" Oops. So we went to eat lunch at..McDonalds! She always gets a 6 piece chicken nugget and I get the number 7..and I finish before she does, yeesh! I know I eat too fast, but I could like, breath in 6 pieces of chicken

After that, went back to Virgin Megastore. I wanted to buy the Sigur Ros CD, but I could only find it in the import section and it was about $25 with tax, yuck. Oh welll. I'm listening to it right now, all peaceful-ish sounding...

Throughout the day we went to a bunch of different stores...Barnes and Noble, Kinokuniya, Rich Art (where I got some chocolate for my mum) and I got something from Starbucks, yummm. $3.75 of coffee-caramel-chocolate bliss. I would have liked to go to Sam Ash to play with the guitars but we didn't have enough time. Poo. We walked around for about 4 hours, didn't feel that long, but it was funfun. Diana made me a cute thing out of that light Crayola clay stuff, I dunno what it's called...but she made little figures of me chasing Beck, it's really funny! I guess you have to see it. I spent nearly all the money I had...I think I had 80 bucks! But I didn't buy that much...did I? $28 on chocolate, $25 for a CD, $13 bucks for a book, $2 for picture stickers (Diana supplied the other dollar..they came out a little funny, the Japanese picture sticker machines are a million times better than the American ones!), $6 for lunch. I guess it adds up. I also had a credi card, but I didn't use it.

And now I'm...home! Tomorrow we're gonna eat turkey and do nothing! Weee! I can't wait to open my presents, mwahahaha...only 8 more hours!

December 23, 2000

god I wrote this long thing and my browser decided to puke. so here is what i said in outline form:

-today say "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"; it was very good
-yesterday say "Castaway"; also very good
-tomorrow going to Times Square
-today got a very cute penguin pin from my friend
-my hands are cold
-I wish I was a penguin

December 21, 2000 what's been happenin? One more day of school and then a 10 day vacation!..err..weeee! Not the longest vacation I could have hoped for but it's a hell of a lot more than some people who don't get any time off from anything..well..yeah...

I can't wait till Christmas, I really want to open my presents...well that's all it's about I guess. I mean, I'm an atheist, how else am I going to celebrate Christmas?

Today I had my first session as a peer tutor. I have a study period every day and I decided to sign up for peer tutoring with my friend (you get community service credits for doing it). She helps a girl with physical science and I help this freshman guy with algebra. I thought I'd be better at algebra than science...but I forgot a lot of stuff. I mean, I'm in algebra 2 honors and I need to help this guy in algebra 1, and I sort of forgot how to do the I = prt thing....okay..nevermind. But I felt bad for the kid, because some of these problems were very easy in my opinion (What is 2.4% of 13?) and he didn't know how to do them. I'm very bad at explaining things..I mean, the teachers don't check you out before you sign up for peer tutoring, how do they know I'm qualified to teach? And I can tell this guy doesn't want to learn the math, he was mainly talking with his friends, and I honestly can't tell if he really doesn't understand what he's doing or if he's just goofing off. I think he just doesn't understand it...if he didn't have his other friends in the class to distract him maybe he'd learn better. But I'm a really bad teacher, not very aggressive, although I got sort of pissed when I asked him to do something on the calculator for me and tell me the answer and he replied "zero point zero zero zero zero zero zero..." Oh well...I dunno what to do with him. I get frustrated very easily, I don't know how to teach such simple stuff to this guy without making him stupid...teachers have a tough job, man.

Oh well, I won't have to do that again until....after vacation. Joy. And I've got all this crap do to for chemistry, like this project I've had a few months to do and have barely started. There are 4 people in my group, one who is my friend, and the other two are not...and they asked if they could be with my friend and I and I said yes, although I probably shouldn't have because they don't seem like the most responsible people. And I don't think I want them in my house if we were to really work on this project together. Ugh.

One of these guys, Jon, really gets on my nerves. I don't know what his problem is, sometimes he talks to me as if he's my friend or something, and then other times like I don't exist, but I hardly consider him a friend and sometimes I want to tell him to stop talking to me. Like he'll say "Hi" and I'll give him some stare...and then "Why are you talking to me?" I know, I sound REALLY mean or something, shouldn't act friendly to someone only half of the time, that's giving them a false impression I think. Like before English starts, maybe he'll say something stupid in French because we have French right before English, and then as soon as my other friend comes in he'll talk to her and not me any further unless he's got a question on the know, that's not nice, and that's why I don't like him. Don't act like someone's friend if you don't intend on being their friend. that's my rant. Also, during gym I wanted to SCREAM at everyone for trying to make me play. During gym I do the only thing I can to; stand there uselessly, walk around uselessly, yawn...yup. When the ball comes my way (we're playing volleyball) I avoid it..or duck...either one is good. And I get very mad when I know I've let down people, but I'm really not that good, and whenever I DO hit the ball (at the most, once during the period) it really hurts. I must be hitting it wrong. So today I started to shout a little bit at my teammate cos he was sort of like "Why didn't you hit the ball?" although he didn't SAY that I know he was thinking that, and I dunno what I said but I was shouting a bit. When I shout people don't think I'm real angry at anything though, they think I'm just being strange, because I rarely do shout at people in anger I think. My other friend would just go "Oh Robyn, you're so cute!" and play on with the game.

If I had no regard for my actions I'd be a raving lunatic. I never really swear or get violent or ANYTHING like that, I'm rather docile, but in my head I have images of being violent to people, like throwing chairs at them, and swearing and shouting people's heads off, like stuff I would never do. It's really unhealthy I think. And that nagging voice that says "I wish I had never been born." It's not so much that I want to commit suicide, I just wish I had never been born in the first place. It woulda saved me a lot of trouble. If you're wondering, I DON'T want to commit suicide, I just want to disappear somehow.

I just dug up this "old" CD I had...maybe 4 years old, the Clueless soundtrack, because I remembered it had and acoustic version of "Fake Plastic Trees" on it. It's very nice, just Thom and the guitar. I am loving Thom more and more! HAHA! But it's not like loving Beck...Beck is like a warm and fuzzier feeling, and Thom is sort of a more distant, introverted...feeling..uh...well. I dunno if that made sense. They're like foils of each other...well..okay, not really..nevermind. I love both of em!

Are kids growing up too fast these days? I'm not sure..i'm always wondering if I'm more mature than other people because they think they're mature even though they're obviously immature, or me thinking I'm mature makes me childish. I have no idea, but I'm got some feeling that while my sense of the world is different from other teenagers...uh..actually, I've got no follow up on that. How can everyone be unique? It can't be true. Billions of people in the world, and not one who is like me? That's crap I think. But in this school I go to, not one person is like me I think. Not one friend to expose my deepest secrets to, my thoughts, no guy worthy of any sort of affection, no subject worth my interest. I'm pretty harsh I guess.

December 17, 2000

"THANK YOU for your donation of 0.8 cup(s) of staple food to a hungry person..."

Wow, doesn't that just make me the greatest person on earth? Me, who eats about a cup of rice ever day, donating .8 cups of what is probably rice to someone who probably doesn't get to eat a full meal each day and is probably a child. Go me. If I had all the money in the world, I think I'd give it away.

Anyway...what have I been thinking lately? Sometimes I think it'd best to cut myself off from the rest of the world, but then if I do that then I'll die in some sense, won't I? Sometimes I love outside, and then most of the times I just hate it. I don't like the internet either, if it wasn't for the Internet I wouldn't meet people more interesting than I and read about the hardships of people who've got it worse than I I'm somewhere in the middle?

And I'm know I'm wasting time talking to an invisible audience, not just invisible but really, is just not there, so why do I do this? DOOOOT!

I have more I'd like to say, but I don't know if I should say it. Not like it's something mean, but then maybe I'll change my mind later.

December 16, 2000

Last night I stayed up til 3-somethig reading this new book I got called "Stargirl" by Jerry Spinelli. It was a very interesting book...about this girl who calls herself Stargirl and starts her sophomore year at a new school called Mica High...well that sounds sort of boring but I guess you have to read it. She's quite odd, but not in a freaky way. She's always happy and nice to everyone and cheers for the opposing team at football and basketball games. And she plays her ukulele a lot and uses it to sing "Happy Birthday" to different people everyday. Oh, and she carries around her pet rat. I guess I'd recommend this book, although even though I liked it (well I stayed up all night reading it!) I sort of hated all the characters. Oh well. :)

I think this is why I don't like reading too much, cos if I find a book I like a lot then I'll stay up all night reading it, but there aren't that many books out there I think I would read all night, and then they lie in a bookcase with maybe 1/4th of it read. You know what I mean? So then it's a bit of a waste. I got another book called "Prozac Nation" that I've heard of..somewhere...I found a lot of interesting books just browsing the "Psychology" section at Barnes & Noble.

Today it has been raining a lot. If it had just been a few degrees colder, it woulda snowed a lot. Sigh. Of course that wouldn't happen though. It was so dark by 4 o clock it was sort of scary. I had went to the Japanese shopping center with my mum, bought some little holiday gifts for my friends, some foooood. FOOOOOOOOD.

Right now I'm listening to Yo La Tengo. What does that mean anyway? I'm guessing it's spanish for something...? I like their music, but maybe not enough to buy the CD. I borrowed it from the library. A song that I really like right now is "Let Down" by Radiohead...I just noticed that near the end Thom's voice mixes in with...Thom's voice, a much higher voice and it's really beautiful, he holds onto this one note for a long time and it doesn't sound like he's gonan pass out or anything. I used to think his voice wasn't really amazing or anything, but it is!

I think it is time I eat dinner...

...okaay, I'm back! Uh. Yeah. Leftover chinese food and rice. Cooked with the aid of a microwave.

Last night I was reading Twist mag, which I still get for some reason...I think all of my other subscriptions I had to teen magazines have fizzled out. I used to read EVERY SINGLE ONE in existance, I swear, when I was like...uh...13? Yeah, 8th grade. First year as a teenager. And then the next year I started to dislike those kind of magazines, and now I really don't like them, it's sort of weird. What happened? As I was reading the 100th way to "Snag Your Crush" I wanted to rip up the magazine, burn the pieces, and throw the ashes out the window. Of course, I didn't, I just imagined it. I also hate reading this part called "Breaking Up Brought Us Closer Together" or something like that...I dunno why, just bothers me. Like what is wrong with these people? Do these teenagers have anything better to do then buy trendy clothes, go to parties, think day and night about a distant crush who probably doesn't care the least about them, figure out the best eyeshadow that will go with their miniskirt, cheat one homework and tests, blah blah blah blah blah?

See, aren't I a horrible person? Not all teenagers are like that, I know. I noticed that I hate so many things, but then I incorporate a lot of those things too. Somehow. I can't think of them now, but generally I am everything I hate. Okay, not exactly like that, like I sort of hate it when people are too happy, but then sometimes I am happy..sometimes, so then I look back and sort of hate that too, like I probably didn't deserve to be that happy, cos I haven't done much deserving of anything. And then when my friends say something like "Robyn, you're so good at blah blah blah!" I know it's not really true, I'm just lucky, and I might be good at some things but not exceptionally good. Not that I have to be exceptionally good at anything, but this just shows that after high school I'm going nowhere really.

There was something else I wanted to say...ohhh...blargh. I imagine doing mean things to people. Does anyone really deserve to have something bad happen to them? I dunno.

December 14, 2000

Howdy all! Looks like I'll be movin my blog to a new location or later...:) We'll see how that turns out.

It's been snowing a bit! That is good stuff. Snow is good stuff! It snowed during the night but it got above freezing and ended up raining, which melted the snow..turned the ice on the ground to half of the school was late. It took me 10 minutes to get to school and I live about 4 minutes away. We were moving at the rate of a slug.

Tonite was the holiday concert! It was okay, I'm just glad to get it over with. I played really badly, yikes! I've been getting worse, I hadn't really practiced ANY of my songs all year really, but I do take clarinet lessons...I don't think they're helping too much. I gotta PRACtice. PRAAAAACTICE makes perfect....yeah right!

WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE! Isn't that the funniest little song? Er...sort of? The submarines sounds are funny...yeah I'm easily amused. It's crazy how long I can stare at my fiber optic tree. Like a cat playing with a ball of yarn. How could THAT be fun?

Not much else going on...blergh...when I don't have anything to complain about, life is pretty boring.

December 12, 2000

For some reason I started off the day tired, and sort of went throughout the whole day like that. I was bitter I guess, although it wasn't as bad as what happend 3-4 weeks ago. I think it was 3 weeks. 3? Something like that. Oh well, it's happening again. Poop.

I've come to the conclusion I hate most of the people around me, or I hate a lot of them, and I shouldn't, but they bring it about themselves. There are so many idiots in the world, and I'm not saying that in some way I'm not one of them, but I can't be THAT bad. I'd like to see the people in my school try and live in a third world country for a day...or just a few some poverty stricken area when nothing is served to them on a silver platter, or any kind of platter at all, some place where people will look at them as though they're worth nothing, not that people don't do that now, but it's not the same. Sure it's a horrible thing, but some people just deserve that stuff. I don't believe in any kind of afterlife so I doubt anyone will be going to hell to live in an eternal firey hole of despair.

I don't know what made me so sad, but I bring it about myself really. Like during English I decided I'd ignore my friend a bit, why not, she annoys the hell out of me, if she asked me a question I'd answer her though. She has another friend who she seems to treasure more than me anyway, sometimes I think I should just not be her friend anymore and then she can devote all her time to the other person. Do her a favor in some sort of strange sense. She's not such a good friend, but neither am I, so I guess that evens out. I wish she didn't call me every night about English homework, it's like she expects me to know all the answers to questions that only the teacher would know...people ask me questions like that, like "Do we have a test this week in blah blah?" and how the hell would I know, do I look like the teacher? Ugh.

During lunch I was doing homework and everyone (the other three people who sit at my table) got up and left and some point, no goodbye or anything, although I brought that upon myself I guess by looking busy and like I don't care about what other people do. I think I take every single action of my friends and people who aren't my friends in to consideration and sometimes thinking about those things so much make me go crazy...or something....I don't think that made much sense...but anyway...

I don't know why the actions of other people annoy me so much. Like stuff that doesn't affect me...I just see all the horrible stuff that's happening around me and I hate it all. I'm disappointed by teenagers these days, I'm disappointed by my own generation. Isn't that sort of sad? Not like I can do anything to change em I guess. I never fully understood why so many people cheat. It's absolutely ridiculous, here are these people in a rush to do a last minute assignment, although it obviously wasn't important enough for them to do it BEFORE hand, so why even do it then? Just don't do the stupid work. I hate it when people are like "Oo can you do this for me, I don't get it." Well doing it for the person isn't going to help much, who are they kidding? I'm not saying I've never not cheated, but if I forget to do something I'm not going to copy it at the last minute off someone else, or if I knew I could get away with cheating during a test/quiz, I wouldn't do that either. The other day we took a short little quix on the Odyssey in English class and my friend was asking me questions to clarify whether her response was correct or not, which is sort of like cheating cos you're not suppose to discuss your answers, obviously. If it was so important that she get a good grade, she should have read the book more carefully.

I especially hate in gym when my teammate says "Robyn, you can't just stand around, you have to get in the game," and really, how does this person know how I feel, that I'm really in the mood to get in the game? They don't, and they've got no authority to tell me what to do, I think. If I want to play, I'll play, and if I don't, then big deal. I could be absent from class, they'd be fine without me. It makes me very angry what people say to me, but I don't really express anger, only sadness, not such a good thing.

Chemistry is the last class of the day for me, and by then I was almost at the end of my rope I think. The class was passing around the same survery as yesterday, which said "Who Would You Rather Bone?" or something like that, and a bunch of people's names, although I didn't feel like filling out out, because there really was no point to it. I don't see the big point, not like my opinion matters much, and I'd rather piss off the retards that made the survey I guess. Still, this one guy is always like "Okay, Robyn will be the only one not filling it out..." It just annoys me, he even called me stupid because I wouldn't fill it out, which doesn't even MAKE any sense if you ask me.

Still, I guess over the day of nothing especially BAD or GOOD happening I felt like crying but crying when you're alone in a class of people is rather depressing, so I didn't. I just pretended I was yawning...a lot. But then, uhoh, fire drill. A fire drill with 50 mph winds outside, that's peachy. Well maybe not that fast, but something...yeah. And then I joined one of my friends, but I didn't feel much like talking. I guess when that happens, my friend figured something was wrong, or not, but she asked me if anything was wrong and I sort of stayed quiet, cos technically nothing was wrong, but technically something was wrong. It's hard to explain I guess, so I started crying, which doesn't get you ANYWHERE by the way, but it didn't last very long so that's good. I just kept moving farther from the school each time my friend asked me what was wrong. I just said "nothing.." each time, I didn't know what to say, and then she stopped asking. That's sort of good, I guess she knows how to handle me now.

After that, went back to class and did a lab. Fun. After school I took a math test for the math a 3 out of 6. I got the easist problem on the test wrong..I didn't even write anything down for it. I won't even say what it was, it was stupidly easy. I though I'd have to say til 4:30 for band practice but it was cancelled, so I did homework. Fun.

Not much else to say, except I've got an in class essay tomorrow and the teacher gave us the topics we can choose so we can prepare ourselves, and I haven't the slightest idea what to do. I'm thinking of putting down "I don't really enjoy this book," and sleeping for the rest of the period. that could work. I wouldn't be devastated then for getting an F cos at least I'll know I deserved it. I'd hate to spend the period writing an essay that I know will earn me a D when I coulda just not spent any time on it, you know? Ugh.

In addition to that, no one on my AIM list is on right now. They all sort of disappeared. I suppose they had better things to do. I should be doing homework now, but I'm not. That happens a lot.

December 09, 2000

IT SNOWED! THANK GOD! SNOOOOW! SNOOOW! It snowed about a MILLIMETER but that's still better than nothing at all. :D

So today was quite fun, it was the holiday festival! It's something our school does every from the Roberto Clemente school in Patterson come to our school and pairs (or in my case, a triplet) of students will escort one kid around. This didn't happen all day, this was at the end of the day. You're supposed to go to class for a few periods but I couldn't because I'm in the band and we had to play during the assembly for the kids. Not like I didn't want to get out of class, but the assembly was SCARY, like LOTS of screaming kids and...yeah. At one point they were all singing Christmas carols...oh lord. And there were the REALLY HORRIBLE UNFUNYN CLOWNS it was so sad, I thought I might cry.

Sigh. Well after missing all my classes and not telling my teachers (I didn't know I'd miss em!) I went to my 8th periods class which was where we'd get our kids we'd be escorting. My partners were Aliza and Jeff. We gave the kid, Brandy, our presents, he seemed to sort of like them...he was playing with the toy cars at least! He didn't want to eat his lunch well. Who needs food?

The first activity we did was hitting the pinatas. THOSE KIDS ARE CRAZY! LIKE A PACK OF WILD ANIMALS! STARVING WILD ANIMALS WHO NEED CANDY! Like whenever the pinata was cracked open and candy flew out, kids from ALL DIRECTIONS like from outta NO WHERE would run in to the candy and grap and kick and scream and oh, it was a nitemare. Well it wasn't THAT bad, but these kids were...NUTS! It was SOOO FUNNY! Although seriously, I thought the kids were going to kill each other.

After that it was on to the art room where Brandy painted an..uh...interesting tree. Aliza and i got sicktracked when our other friend walk in, so Jeff left with Brandy to the bathroom supposedly, but we didn't know, so when we went into the hallway and didn't SEE them, we were like "OH LORDY LORD WHERE ARE THEY?" and freaked out a bit. We ended up walking around the school asking people if they've seen him, thinking of the horrors Brandy must have seen.."MAYBE HE KIDNAPPED HIM! AHHH!" We ended up finding them in the language hallway when someone was shouting Jeff's name, in which Aliza and I ran down the hall with the bow on top of my head falling off in the process, and shouting "WHERE WERE YOU! BLAH BLAH BLAH? YOU LEFT US! YOU BLAH BLAH!" and so on. I think we should have given Jeff a beating for being a moron, but we didn't. Poop. Next time I should bring my bat. He said that he told us he was going to the bathroom, we just didn't hear him..WELL THAT MAKES EVERYTHING OKAY!

Yeah, that was not good. I dunno what we did after that..uh...see Santa? I dunno, we did various things...everyone seemed to have a good time though. If I was one of the little kids though I'd be terrified of high schoolers! Like "GET OFF MEEEE!"...I'm not very good with kids though.

After school Aliza and my other friend Sheryl came ot my house to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark. Aliza is a Harrison Ford nut...ah well, I guess that's okay. It's good to :)

December 06, 2000

Lately I've been listening to If You're Feeling Sinister by Belle and Sebastian since I started to get a little tired of listening to Kid A every day, and it's really good! I mean..yeah, ever song is just..nice...I I can just let the CD play all the way through and it's quite nice. All the songs sort of sound the same, so I can't even tell when one song ends and the other one starts, but that can be a good thing. And endless stream of music! Maybe I should get some other Belle and Sebastian stuff...but I also want Pablo Honey since I've been reading about it in my Radiohead book. But then it probably won't sound as good as all the albums after it...still, if I like Radiohead enough I could afford to buy it right? Like with Beck, I ended up buying most of his early stuff after listening to Odelay and Mutations, and they sounded really...well not so good at first but some stuff grew on me, like the song "Today Has Been a Fucked Up Day" I really like...uh..yup. Yeah go listen to that! :)

Besides that, after school I was in this ...mood, not happy, not like really depressed, just disappointed. Like I was quieter than usual and really wanted to go home. In my chemistry class we had a substitute and the only friend I've got in that class was on a field trip, so I didn't have anyone to talk to during the whole class. I could barely do my work cos everyone was talking...the way other peopel do their classwork is divide the work between them, like "You do #1, I do #2.." but I think that's sort of a bad idea, cos then you don't know most of the stuff and I did all the work, most of it wrong probably, but at least I did it myself. And since the teacher wasn't there I couldn't ask her how to do any of the work, I probably did most of it wrong, although she doesn't grade it so it's not a big deal.

I just found myself hating everyone in the class, which is really unfair, but life is unfair. I mean, if my friend was in the class then I wouldn't hate everyone, but I did. I hated everyone for being happy, I tend to hate people for that, I think it's a horrible thing (thuys making me quite a bad person) but I can't help it. I stared at my paper for a long time before realizing I didn't understand it, so I drew little pictures of stuff, like a stick figure carrying an ax (although it looked more like a shovel) about to his it to his friend, a little creature crying with tears falling into a messy puddle on the ground with a shadow on most of his face, some other little creature...standing...oh well. What fun it is to draw.

So when I got home, I read my new issue of Rolling Stone which made me a little happier because it had pictures of Beck, Bjork, and Radiohead, and then I took a nappy after reading a few more pages of my Radiohead book. And now I! Well not exactly. But whatever.

One of my friends is in love with this guy...sigh...of course I don't know this guy as well as she does but I don't like the guy very much so it pretty much sickens me every time she mentions him. Don't you hate it when people tell you stuff you absolutely don't care about? But you pretend you do to be polite instead of bash their head in with a heavy blunt object till they shut up, which is what you'd really like to do. She could very well be in "love" but I sort of doubt it...then again, I was in love once and my friends probably doubted it, but I knew it was love. I mean, I'm not in love now, I have forgotten what it feels like to tell you the truth, but I could barely function when I was in love, and my friend seems to be functioning as she normally does. But then another point comes to my mind...I didn't act any different than I usually would have in front of my friends at school even though...nevermind. I just didn't want to tell them about it, so I knew I should act as I normally would. So if you're reading this and are thinking "Robyn wasn't in love.." don't even ask me about it cos frankly I don't want to tell a whole freakin story.

But this is different from my friend, cos she tells me these things, but...well...nothing.

My hands are always so friggin cold! ARGH! Stupid hands. They're usful, but they're all cold and crap. Sweaty and cold. Wonderful. The price I pay for apposable thumbs.

At lunch, a bunch of stupid looking people were all crowding in the lunchline and going "Huh..where did all these other people come from? Where's the line? You're all cutting!" and stuff like that. Those "other people" were the people who were already in line BEFORE them, and they obviously didn't know what a "line" was, cos they looked like a confused and disgruntled pack of dogs. I knew I would be going nowhere fast by actually WAITING in line for my food, so I just left, that stuff disappoints me, did some math homework, and went back later when most people had left.

The world is full of disappointment.

December 05, 2000

oodelee day! i'm watching the billboard music awards. it's quite horrible, but I don't think there is much else to watch. Well I was watching Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer before. It was weird. But god, during this entire show there are people screaming and shouting and stuff, what is with that? And then no really really good artist can win anyway, only those with the most appeal..well then...but I'm not bothered. These artists have to have something to make them feel better..errr....although if I won one of those awards it wouldn't make me jump for joy.

but I wouldn't win one. :) so it's not all that bad. ooo woopeeeee.

i still wish I was a penguin. i could frolic among the glaciers. teehee! or not.

god I'm tired. maybe i should turn in for the night. it's only 9 ...well...poopins.

December 04, 2000

You know what I realized? I don't really have a "best friend"...I've got some VERY GOOD friends and then GOOD friends but not this one BEST friend. Not everyone has a best friend though, some people don't have ANY at all, so I suppose this isn't a big deal. Oh gee, I've got too much luck luck luck.

I've been reading a book about Radiohead, it's quite interesting. I think it'd be funny if someone wrote a bio about me, it'd be dead boring.

At lunch I wanted to kick all these idiots in the face. Here are all these kids cutting the lunchline to get their food, inching their way in slowly between friends talking along the way and then not having to wait to get their food. What is WRONG with these people? When I think about it there are lots of people in my school who probably don't deserve to LIVE, which is a harsh thing to say, but I've thought plenty of harsh things, and some kids just have no respect for others. I don't with for them to die, I wish for them to suffer, you know maybe...god forbid, WAIT in line! Humans are awful people. Sometimes I wish I was a penguin.

December 03, 2000

I just thought of something else...I get sad real easily. Well...I guess I knew that already, but I don't show it very much. It doesn't have to be something big, just ignoring me, or leaving me alone, when you should all know better than to leave me alone! Okay, I may like being alone, but that's cos I'm VERY used to it, and I guess when you get used to something you might like it after a while, but it's still depressing as hell I'm telling you, to be in a classroom of people and then you're sitting all alone without anyone withing a 5 foot radius of you because you give off weird rays that repel normal people, and god forbid that you are NORMAL because then the world would just stop in its tracks. You get it? So next time anyone sees me sitting alone and you feel those rays tell me why it's such a bore to be around Robyn.

Actually, I change my mind, don't tell me ANYTHING because that would be a turn of events, just sit with someone else and look happy, oo I know there is some burning hatred stuff inside. Or that is just me. Oh crap, it is. Dammit! You irritated me without even doing anything to meee! I hate you.

I hate hating things, but that's too ironic isn't it? So I guess in reality, one part of me says I don't have anything, and then the other side which is being beaten every second of the day and is tied to a train track in the middle of the southwest where a train comes by ever 5 seconds and runs over it and bashes its skull in with its tons of steel says it hates EVERYTHING and especially you. One part of me says "I want to feel love, wouldn't that just be peachy?" and the other part says "I hate your love, it's not real. I know you don't mean it because no one could possibly love me."

You see that first person but I'm really the second. You can say it's horrible, but it's not. I'm not gonna murder anyone, I promise. Just don't make me too mad, okay? Because you don't really "love" me, no matter what you say.

"ooo oooo ooooo ooo ooo oooo"...I'm listening to Optimistic by Radiohead right now. That's how it goes...lots of "oo"s for a while, and then I can't really understand what's goin on. "Flys are buzzing round my head, vultures circle in the dead, pickin up every last crumb.." That's a nice picture isn't it? Yeah. Oo, when I was watching Roswell on Friday (well I had recorded it) they played the most beautiful Radiohead song during the show when Max was being tested to see whether he was the king or not. REMEMBER?! Yup. :) It's eerie, I love it.

Other that that, I guess nothing very odd has been happening. I did all my Christmas shopping already, so a few of you guys out there (5) will be getting a present of SOME sort and a card in the mail. Oo. Good for you.

Argh...what else...nothing VERY important I think. don't need to know that....hmmmmmm...I'd ask you a question, but I prolly get a reply, so I'll just wallow in my state of ..uh..something not good.

December 01, 2000

Howdilly ooo!

Okay so more stuff depression-related has happened. Lets seeeee....well I don't remember exactly how I felt, but Tuesday morning I was a wreck, prolly from getting like 3 hours of sleep, and I was sad and cranky and stuff. I REALLY didn't want to go to school, it was like...I dunno, I just felt like it was the evilest place on earth. It is sometimes.

So I walk down the hall to my locker, and I thought I would cry right there, that hallway made me all depressed. But I didn't! Okay, so I got my stuff and went to the gym for first period, and THAT'S where the tears started flowing. Only a little, not like I was BAWLING, I mean, come on, no need to attract attention. But then one of my other friends came in and noticed..well i guess you'd notice something like that, your friend slightly hunched over, wiping her eyes, sniffing...well.

I didn't have to take gym, I guess the teachers didn't know what to do with me, and I really didn't want to play. Basketball is a sucky sport anyway. Everyone was like "What's wrong Robyn?" and I didn't have much of an answer for them, because I didn't have a reason with much substance you know? What would I say? "No, nothing's wrong, I'm just sad and felt like crying! Nope, no one died, no one did anything mean to me, it's just my brain!" Yeah. So I just said "...nothing...".

But strangely, the day after I was perfectly fine, almost on top of the world as far as...I could go I mean. I mean..I was "normal" not really sad or happy...well happier than sad I guess. I went from ultimate low to the opposite pretty much. But this has happened before. I mean, when I get over the depression I feel like it couldn't possibly happen again, but it always does, so I just accept it. I guess it's..okay...

Sooo! Today was rather nice, I had two free periods and half of computer science because I didn't have to work on my program. I can't say I got much work did I do? I studied for a math quiz that i prolyl failed anyway (I didn't know how to do like, 5 of the problems...ugh) and it's Friday so school! I watched a lot of TV, a tape of various programs I recorded this week because I hadn't had much time to watch TV.

Is it just me or is the Simpsons not as funny as it used to be? I mean...I dunno, it's starting to lose it's touch. Futurama is a really funny show, but it hasn't started yet. I remember the Simpsons as being the greatest show...and I was watching it and it wasn't THAT funny, it was SORT of funny. The X-Files was totally freaky, I mean there was this giant white parasitic slug thing in Scully's back and then Doggett had to cut her back open with his knife before the slug got to her brain and that was really one of the grossest things I've ever seen. There was this cult who thought the slug was a reincarnation of Christ or something...there are prolly crazies out there in the world like that. Oh lord.

Anyway. Uhhh..what else....I've been getting pretty hooked on Roswell. And during the show they played "How to Disappear Completely" which was just perfect! I'm listening to it right now, hehe. Also, on that David Blaine special on Wednesday they played two Radiohead songs which I thought was pretty neat...although I don't see how "Creep" was much of an appropriate song, they played that during the ending credits. Hm. Well. Whatever! David Blaine looked like he was going to die or something after getting out of that giant ice thing, I mean he's recovering now but he said he was hallucinating and thought he DIED, that's too creepy. :P

Er...yeah. So thats bout it. My Beck site hasn't been updated in a beck stuff goin on! Poot!