November 27, 2000

argh, i wrote about my "problems" at the bbs, why did i do that? it felt like the only thing to do at the time cos no one was online, but then afterwards i felt uneasy..that happens all the time, i remember being really depressed, but I don't really..feel it. Its like it wasn't me. but it waaas! i'm one person. but i notice that a lot..i look back at my depression and sometimes it doesn't make sense to me.
...something something something...
i hear sounds but no words come out...how frustrating. well maybe not to most people. just meeee. oh yay, i can reap the joys of being abnormal.

i wish i had some kind of infection in my tonsils, so maybe i can get an operation, i can get them removed...but they're just really swollen, they don't hurt or anything. ugh. i told myself i'd work on my english presentation and i've done nothing. nothing. life is so long and tedious and...ugh. no one ..this is so weird. i dont understand whats going on.

sigh. everything is clouded in some kind of sadness. its weird i tell you.

i dont know
what makes it tick
i dont have
a clue as to
what is right
what is wrong
oh take this
mind of mine
it's useless
i'm telling you
have a good time
have a party
have a good lie
have a free ride


words go nicely together.

November 26, 2000

My bro went back to college today. Sigh. Back to loneliness, and having no one to play stuffed animals with. :(

Anyway. I'm just dreading school. I gotta do some more homework that I don't want to do. I've supposed to read 4 books of the Odyssey I think. I'm sure it's an exciting story, but it's soooo boring, I can barely understand it. I guess greek doesn't translate so well into english? It's greek right? yes.

i'm so sad for no very good reason. Not like I'm dying...(AM I?)..oh this is annoying. You know what is annoying? Poems. I sort of hate reading poems, especially really cheesy sounding ones. Of course what you think is cheesy might eb different from what I think is cheesy. Like..well I ..nevermind. I don't like it when poems are too perfect and the lines are indented in some way to make the words look pretty....am I making any sense? I'll put a ROBYN poem here:

--

all right
to nite
cant see beyond my hands
lately
greatly
had this feeling to run
crack through the windows
break my legs on the pavement
reincarnate as some angel

great light
all bright
reflects from the sun
i can
make them
all of mine to own
if i could go far enough
in some spaceship of this earth
i could reach a destination

all i know and all i've known
does not mean nothing here
and there's a passage in a space
of nothingness it's just so close that I could
reach it if i just got up but too lazy to
just get up oh well i could have reached
a destination if I could reach a destination

---

actually thats' not as much as a poem as a bunch of jumbled insane rambling. but those are the best poems! INSANE RAMBLINGS! rock on.

rocks are fun. throw some at your friend. you will be repaid with loooove.

November 25, 2000

Heey. Today I've been in permanent lethargy. Woohoo. The best kind.

I mean..well I dunno, I started off the day okay, went downhill for no reason except its just did. Just happened. I don't understand it. When I'm normal I can't imagine being ...not normal, when I'm in this strange state of sleepy-nothingness I can't remember what it's like to be normal. But nothing is really "normal" anyway.

I bought this book yesterday, like a bible of psycological disorders called "Am I Okay?" and it's very interesting and eeriely accurate. It was as though the author was describing me. To some degree. Which is freaky. I was also reading "Flowers For Algernon" for the second time, it's really a wonderful book. It doesn't put you in a good mood, but the best things usually aren't all happy, as far as...books go. Music too. Like my favorite album would have to be Mutations, and not that it's a depressive blackhole of sound, but it's not all peppy happy. And I was listening to Kid A today, it's just amazing I think. Every time I listen to it, it gets better somehow. The first time I listened to it I didn't really like it at all and now I think it's this great thing that should be placed upon the highest mountaintop. It is, I mean if you listen to it closely. The first time I heard "To Disappear Completely" I thought it was...way strange...well not that, but it didn't appeal to me. And now it's one of my favorites, to be it sounds like some bleak hopelessness or sadness, it's quite beautiful. If I could express sadness or fear in such a way I'd be a genius, although I'm not, so that idea goes down the drain. Most of the songs sound like something major had just happened a second ago and then this song just comes on. Like I envision a car crash, ambulances running around, and then "Motion Picture Soundtrack" mixing in with the chaos and such. Horrible situations can be made to look peaceful like that.

Today while talking to my mum, she said that I'm more complicated than she thought I was, and that she is a simple person. I told her she prolly wouldn't understand how I am, like that stuff in the psychology book, and she thinks that too, so it's nice to have an understanding. She also now thinks I'm more mature than she thought I was...I mean, I know in a way I'm more mature than other people, but then very immature in some other ways that I can't really explain. Like I'm open minded I think, and have common sense, and everyone around me just seems stupid or unreasonable most of the time, and I guess it's immature of me to think that everyone else should think one way...but I know they can't...oh nevermind, that didn't make much sense.

I feel guilty a lot of the time about..things...I mean I can feel guilty very easily. I'd feel guilty if my mum bought me something for no reason, I wouldn't have before but I do now. Like today I wanted to get a CD but I knew I didn't have any money. I'm saving it, stuffing it into my checking account before I can really use it so this year I can buy Christmas presents for my friends. Last year I don't think I did that, I felt horrible. And my mum was just like, "Oh it's okay, I'll get you a CD, because..uh...well why not?" And I told her she can't just BUY things for me for no reason...but then she said, "Yes I can, I'm your mom!" Well...hmm, yeah. But still, I haven't earned anything, not that I can. Is being a good daughter my only job? Maybe I should get a real job, although that's hard when you hate confronting strangers and being around people in general.

So when it comes to buying things, I don't really enjoy buying things. My philosophy is (or something like that) is that I know most things don't last a long time, so if I really need something, which is mainly food and clothing (and music) I'll make it something good and something I really want. No junk food, and nicely made clothes that'll hopefully last me a few years. I also like to buy pens and stationary...I don't know why, I don't use them a whole lot. I haven't gotten letters in ages. And all those little things that girls like to buy, like jewelry, makeup, accesories, bags..shoes...not really my stuff. They seems quite pointless in the long run. They wouldn't even make me happy even if for a few moments, and then when I decide to get rid of em it'd be depressing...ah...you know? I'd hate to waste money on such petty material things. I've done it before.

I have more stuff that I could say, but I'm getting tired. Actually, I'm not, but I feel bad for not doing homework although I should. And I know I probably won't start it.

November 23, 2000

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Glee. Isn't thanksgiving a sort of ..weird holiday? Okay, not WEIRD, but how does stuffing yourself silly associate with giving thanks? I mean, all people are doing are showing how gluttonous (is that a word?) they are, eating all that food they don't need. It's sort of a stupid excuse to give food to the needy too, because they need food 365 (or 366) days a year! They won't last forever on one meal, you know? Then again, I'm not donig anything to help. Yes, all I did was stay home, eat turkey and mashed potatoes, cake...and digested. Sigh. It doesn't make me feel like a good person.

So what are you giving thanks for? I'm giving thanks for..uh...living comfortably, being able to eat food every day, not having to worry about living in a ditch. Yeah, life is grand isn't it?

Ah...no, I'm not in a bad mood or anything, I'm quite happy, 4 day weekend you know! :D YEEHAW! School bad. Don't do drugs.

November 20, 2000

What is wrong with my hair? I hate my hair. I hate it! And I'd say I wish it would die, but technically it's not living, just a bunch of dead cells, so nothing would really happen then. Ugh. I don't understand how anyone's hair can look good, it's just a tangled bunch of dead crap...

On that happy note, how are you? I'd like some ice cream. Sigh. It's a bit late, but I don't care about getting fat, I'm already at the point of return fat-wise I think. Yup, a hopeless case! Sigh. And really, gym isn't going to do a DAMN THING as far as exercize goes, I don't even see the point. I'm not sure if having gym at 8 AM is what makes me crabby...I like getting it over with but it ruins my morning. But if I had it after school then I'd go home miserable, OR having in the afternoon, I wouldn't be so poopy.

Nevermind. You know what bugs me? Beside the death penalty? I've got this friend who is always like "I hate Mrs___!" and it bugs me. Teachers might be going through a lot more than we think and their job is probably hard...and they don't really deserve to be looked down upon by students, unless they're REALLY RETARDED bu to tell you the truth I don't think there are any really bad teachers in my school. And if they're retarded, that is quite sad. My point is, just because a teacher gives you a bad grade doesn't serve as an establishment to..HATE the teacher! This means you just don't do the work well enough, in most cases. I'm not gonan tel lmy friend this of course...I mean, that'd be harsh eh? I got an A- on my Huck Finn essay we just got back today, and she didn't. We'll say she did worse than she would have hoped, and I felt bad for her, but...she annoys me so much, it makes me so mad. All she can say is how much she hates the class and blah blah, I hate LOTS of things but I dont TELL people cos I know it annoys the hell out of people when you whine. It DOES! And I try not to whine too much when everyone around me is doing it.

Whenever I'm depressed, I want to see a psychiatrist, but when I'm not..I don't! And I think I should, but I still don't know how to ask my mum. I have to really want to go to ask her, and I'm haven't been very depressed lately. Hm. Well. While I know that's supposed to be good, I take some comfort in my depression, cos then...I don't know, but I just do.

November 18, 2000

Today was very odd. Well not really odd, but...ah it was just messed up.

This whole week was quite undepressing I'd say, which is rare. And I really didn't expect anything to upset this...uh...steak of no-depression I've been having, but something HAPPENED today that makes me believes I'm bipolar again. First of all, gym class was just horrible. I mean it wasn't actually horrible, but it's fun for everyone bu me, and it's always been that way. I mean, either everyone finds it fun, or everyone but ME finds it fun. I walked around uselessly when we were playing basketball close to tears about five times, don't ask why, that stuff just depresses me.

Why do stupid things depress me? I hate crying and I really try not to, cos it makes me feel wussy, but I am a wuss so I guess it's okay. But like...watching a sad TV show or movie I'll feel like crying. Well I guess that's no big deal. But gym always makes me cry. And this doesn't happen to anyone else, does it? DOES IT? No. Can anyone tell me why?

After gym, went to band. We didn't play though, that happens a lot, like the teacher will have to do something else, today it was jazz band auditions. I didn't have any work so I...well I was doing something, but I don't know what. Near the end of the period I just went to "sleep" using my backpack as a pillow, and my friend came over and annoyed me unintentionally. To tell you the truth, there are a MILLION things my friends do that annoy the HELL out of me that probably wouldn't annoy a normal person. I'm really annoyed by whining, swearing, WHINING, people who talk to themselves, people who think they're talking to someone but are actually talking to themselves, paranoid people...people who THINK they know you but don't know a damn thing, people who judge other people unfairly. These are my friends. I mean none of them have ALL these qualities, that would be downright horrible, but it's a mixture. I don't think they'll be reading this. If you ARE reading this, you'd know if I was talking about you I think.

Uh...anyway, I didn't feel like being bothered, I would rather wallow in self pity, although I sort of don't like pity, and I just started crying, for no REAL reason to tell you the truth. As far as I know, people usually have good reasons when they cry (My dog died! I got an F on my project! I am sad...and unhappy!) but for me, it was just one of those things, and that's the first time I've cried in school...and wasn't GYM class. And I felt bad, cos maybe my friend thought she caused it, I mean she didn't cause it directly, I hate making people feel bad, which is why I usually just don't TELL the friends I see every day exactly how I feel, how oddly depressed I am, I dunno if I'm protecting me or myself, or..uh..anything at all. Don't get my wrong, I'd love to have a friend here I could relate to and be soul mates with or..whatever, but it ain't happening as far as I know.

So all day I was all poopy. Poop poop poop. Boy I love being poopy. It feuls the creative juices. I wrote three songs today! Well not fully, I've started three songs. They don't sound too bad.

Also I was watching a thing about the Beatles on ABC and I watched the entire thing. I mean I'm not even a FAN but that's the kind of impact they'll have on you. You don't even have to care about them to be interested. They're just so...amazing I guess. I wish my mum had records and CDs of theirs or something, and other great artists from her teenage years, cos I'd love to listen to them! But she doesn't. :( I think I'd really like the Beatles if I got a chance to listen to something of theirs. I should just go buy one of their albums! I mean I've prolly heard at least a dozen of their songs subconsciously on TV, and I really like their song "In My Life"...at least I think that's what it's called.

I still love Beck, but I haven't been listening to him a whole lot lately. I just got a bunch of CDs from Columbia House in the mail today and I was listening to those. None of them are really reaching out to me so far. I got If You're Feeling Sinester - Bell and Sebastian, The Bends - Radiohead, Parklife - Blur, and Little Earthquakes - Tori Amos. They're all GOOD, but they're not AMAZING...I mean they don't have to be, but I could tell you all the amazing albums right here:
Mutations, Odelay (and maybe One Foot In The Grave) - Beck
Post, Homogenic (Selmasongs, if you see Dancer in the Dark) - Bjork
OK Computer and Kid A - Radiohead
Beginner Piano - Plone (more people should have this! it's the COOLEST thing!)
Rufus Wainwright - Rufus Wainwright (.....yup)

Other great artists are Air, Beth Orton...um...yup. OKAY! Well there IS more to music than Beck. Some of my friends think I only like Beck.

I did some other stuff today..but..ah it's not very important. I want to tell my mum that I want to see a psychiatrist, but I dunno how to bring that into conversation, and she won't take me seriously, I know it. Sigh.

November 16, 2000

Ah...tomorrow is Friday. Thank god.

Now I'm not so sure about all these disorders of mine. I've actually NOT been depressed because I thought I had a disorder, is that weird? I was watching ER and Sally Field's character had bipolar disorder, quite freaky. She's a very good actress...I mean I knew that but the only movie I've seen her in was Mrs. Doubtfire I think. She was in that right? Anyway...yeah. My two states are either...happy...or depressed...I mean I don't get really angry at people, only at myself, and I don't go beserk, because I wouldn't want to call attention to myself. I feel very unconfortable around...people. I guess this is where social anxiety disorder comes into play, but can you have that and bipolar disorder at the same time? I don't know. It's too weird. Maybe I shouldn't think about it. It's hard for other people to understand...

November 15, 2000

I don't think I'm paranoid, but now I think I've got social anxiety disorder, in addition to the bipolar thing. It was so weird..for the past few days there have been instances where I didn't understand how I could have bipolar disorder, and other times when it was so CLEAR, not like I've got multiple personalities, but bipolar disorder is a little like that I think. It's like I have two minds and I'm always switching between the both of them.

Anyway, here I am doing some research about social anxiety disorder. Maybe I'm not such a bad case, but interaction with other people never makes me feel comfortable (well if I've got no friends around) which is one of the reasons I really hate school. I don't even like to get up to get a tissue because I just feel really uncomfortable BEING in the front of the class, although they're not like "Oo Robyn is getting a tissue." And whenever I always focus on...well..the wall..or the ground..I must look weird, I don't think about it much, but I'm just used to walking around while staring at the ground.

Here are some of the symptoms:

-Being introduced to other people
-Being teased or criticized
-Being the center of attention
-Being watched while doing something
-Meeting people in authority ("important people")
-Most social encounters, particularly with strangers
-Making "small talk" at parties
-Going around the room in a circle and having to say something

Yeah...all that stuff makes me wanna puke. I rarely get teased or criticized, but when I do it really messes me up. I mean, no academic things, like if I suck ona test then, whatever, but if someone said to me "Man you're such a bad person" or something..well no oen would I guess. Just an example. UGGGGH.

Well this is nice.

November 13, 2000

There was something else I wanted to say..today, time has been passing a lot more slowly than it usually does I think. This morning I was freaked cos I thought my watch was running slowly (I look at my watch about every 2 seconds, it controls me it really does) and so I checked another clock and my watch was running right on time. I just felt like a LOT of time had passed, like 15 minutes, when in reality only 5 minutes had passed. Then again when I was watching the 10 o clock news, I thought it was about halfway done but only 15 minutes had passed. It really freaked me out. Ugh. My brain is weird.
Retainers are really annoying. Well for me at least, cos when your nose is stuffy it's very uncomfortable to...breathe. So this morning at 4-5 AM I suppose, I got up cos I couldn't breath and tried clearing up Mr. Nose but that wouldn't work. I bet if you could see up someone's stuffy nose, it'd be a really gross sight. Anyway I went to the bathroom and took my retainer out, but then my mouth was all dry. And breathing would just evaporate what little moisture I had in my mouth...I mean, like what the heck, aren't I supposed to make saliva or something? I dunno. I'm probably sick..my thyroid is swelling again I think and my tonsils aren't lookin so hot.

Sigh. During school I was thinking about the bipolar thing, I mean...I dunno, sometimes I feel like I must have it and other time I don't see how I could POSSIBLY have it, so maybe that means I DO have it! Oh I don't know. But that's what I'm like, is that weird? Like some kind of switch from feeling poopy..to feeling a cross between poopy and happy, then being happy. For instance, after school today in the hall some guy was belting out the chorus to Loser, which made me quite happy. :) And then I got home...took a nap..yadayadayada...and now I'm here typing. Sigh.

I start gym class on wednesday. This is gonna suck, I really hate it. We had a choice of doing sports and stuff, or doing weight room stuff. The weight room is really boring, but you can use whatever equipment you want and you're not in any kind of competition, so I like it a bit. But all my friends were like "NOO don't do it, it's so boring!" And I guess it would be without friends, so now I get to do basketball, volleyball, and handball in some sort of order. Sigh. But I really don't want to, the only times I've ever cried in school have all happened during GYM class, and if that doesn't mean something, I don't know what does. Don't think I cry a lot during school, I try to avoid it..uh..yeah. And the only times I felt like throwing up or HAVE thrown up happened during gym. Not like I was sick or anything, just whatever activity we did made me nauseous for some reason. It's VERY annoying, and if you ask me kids shouldn't have to take gym. If people want to take sports, then they can do that on their own time, but it's not fair to be forced to participate in gym. I mean, it's a part of my GPA right? How about if I made someone take wind ensemble, even though they'd suck at playing an instrument and would hate it? Well I suck at sports and I hate them, so can you tell me what's the big difference?

Ugh. One of my friends always calls me whenever we have English homework to ask me about it. I don't know why, I mean she's perfectly capable of doing her own homework. Not like I can even get an A in English. And it's sort of annoying...she's not really someone you can talk to for fun on the phone. I don't mind talking on the phone if I'm not doing anything else and the conversation is fun, but unless she's got a real problem it's annoying. It's usually just "Robyn, listen to what I wrote.." Sigh. And then some of my other friends will ask me in class about an assignment the teacher just explained to us. "Didn't you...hear her a second ago? She just told us to take out books out and blah blah blah.." Why don't people just listen in class? Also, my friend in chemistry class is always talking outloud to herself...out chem teacher is pretty annoying, she doesn't know it, but...uh, yeah, and my friend will be like "Oh..god..go away! Why don't you shut up!" I mean, she doesn't say it REALLY loud, and she's a nice person, but it's SOOO ANNOYING I just feel like taping he mouth shut. She doesn't realize that it might annoy other people that her talking outloud is distracting other people, although now that I think about it I'm probably the only one being distracted...

I get irritated quite easily I think. It's annoying. ANNOOOOYING! School is so annoying. Today in computer science we got new seats cos of the new marking period and all, and now I sit in front of this annoying guy, and he always put his feat on my chair or something, and it pisses me off so much. I mean, you think people would have enough sense to realize that putting their feet on another person's chair might annoy them, especially if they move their feet a lot and rock the friggen chair ever two seconds. Some people are just retards, there seem to be a lot of those kind of people in my computer science class.

Well I'm not as sad today as I think I usually might be, so THAT'S a good sign. English class was awkward, we were doing group stuff and I couldn't think of ANYTHING to contribute, I felt so stupid cos everyone else had all these good ideas and I just wrote them down. In the end though they ended up handing in my paper cos it had the "best handwriting" which it didn't, I was writing pretty sloppy, but the guy next to me had...really bad handwriting I guess. I hope I don't get everyone a bad grade.

I'm not good at interacting with people. Although if things were up to me, I'd stay home all day.

November 12, 2000

Hey I feel pretty good now, you know why? I think I've identified my mental disorder! Yeah, a cause to rejoice eh? TEEHEE! It's something called bipolar disorder, which I heard about by skimming the beck bbs. I find myself incredibly lucky if I actually do have bipolar disorder, then I won't have to wonder what's wrong with me anymore.

I've never heard of it before, so I did some research. According to http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bipolar.cfm, "Bipolar disorder--which is also known as manic-depressive illness and will be called by both names throughout this publication--is a mental illness involving episodes of serious mania and depression. The person's mood usually swings from overly "high" and irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, with periods of normal mood in between. " I'm a bit like that I think, cos when I go to school I appear rather cheerful, I laugh a lot and...stuff...then I go home and go into a dark pit of DEPRESSION! Well not exactly, I think I'm happy when I'm alone and get to do whatever I want, but ironically when I'm all alone thats when the "bad" thoughts set in...so it's hard to tell eh? It's a messed up crazy thing!

But I'm more of a depression person than a mania person, they're not really even. Or I notice the depression more. I took a little test on depression and mania at http://www.moodswing.org/bdfaq.html and...I didn't do so great. I got rather high scores, which means I'm more likely to have to have phychiactric evaluation or whatnot. Like for the depression test, 15 and lower meant you were okeley dokey, but I got a 70. And on the mania test, a 20 and lower mean you were fine, but I got a 58. If you want to help me out you can take the test, it's about halfway down the page, and tell me how you do. Cos I'd find it impossible to actually get in the 15 + below and 20 + below range.

So...what does this all mean? I don't feel much like taking medication (like lithium, carbamazepine, and valproate, oh my!) and I don't think I realyl NEED to cos it's not like I have sudden outbursts of freakiness...ever...ya know? So. Yeah. Okay. Well you've read my other blog entries, so maybe you know as much about me as I do...god that would be creepy.
Ever have a day where it seems like everyone is just leaving you behind one by one? No? Okay then.

I think my time on earth is over. 15 not so glorious years have passed. In that time I've made friends, lost friends, been to some nice places in the world, falling in (and out) of love, and I've been depressed for long enough to really be pissed off by nearly everything. Like...the sun..what is your problem! Stop blinding me and being all happy and crap, and the clouds...hm..actually I like them...okay, my glasses..yeah you help me see but you suck otherwise, and TV...TV sucks, showing everything that is wrong with the world. You suck! All of you. Let's see, what else have I done...I've gone to school against my will. Don't I get anything for that? What am I missing out on anyway? I know what it's like to be happy, so yeah, wooee. Never kissed a guy, never had sex, well you know you can't have it all. I'll be okay dying at this very second, like...the light fixture can fall on my head and splatter my brains out.

How come when I start talking to people, it's like they've got to leave? Today while on the net for about..4 hours by now I think, I've chatted with 5 people for about 2 seconds. Hi..bye...why even GO online if only for less than a minute anyway? Just spare me of your presence and don't go online dammit.

Another thing...actually that's all I wanted to say. I'm bitter. And tired. I should start my stupid english essay but I'm not going to, because I don't want to. What I want is a nice rest where...nevermind. Sleeping sucks, it just messes you up in between disappointments, it makes you think "Ooo, I'm dreaaaming, this is niiice" and then you wake up to some hyper DJs on the radio, the sun beam right on your eyes making you BLIND, lookin at your watch in some kind of daze and you're like "DAMN it's time for school again, that school...I could just burn it down" and ever day you live is the worst day of your life. Yeah? Okay, maybe for you it's not school, maybe it's work, or maybe you are lucky and don't do ANYTHING at all..hm...toodles.

November 10, 2000

You know, this just made my day worse, Beck broke up with Winona..actually, more like Winona broke up with Beck, whyyy? What is wrong with these people?! Ergh. I dunno if I should feel bad for Beck or Winona, Beck doesn't need this ya know, two breakups in one year? I thought the whole Beck-Winona thing was cool in the beginning, but that's no good. THIS is no good. Ah...Beck. I hope he's alright. I think it's best to never get involved with anyone...and to stay home all day sleeping in a bed among pillows, to never go to school, and to not do ANYTHING, so obviously my way of thinking sucks.
HIiiii people. Heehee...I'm tired. When I'm this tired everything is like...er...CRAP I should wash my hair today. Okay then I should go up zee stairs soon. When my hair gets greasy, it's all sick and gross and crap. Sort of. Tomorrow I'm going to NY to see a show, and eat, and maybe shop, but prolly not. Ah well. I don't like to shop but shopping in NYC is so different from just going to the mall, you know? Maybe you don't know.

These little vacations from school mess me up a bit, too much time to myself, although I spend half of the day with my friend. My mum brought us to a French restaurant. I had chicken, it was good. For the appetizer, I had escargots, aka SNAILS or little-bags-of-snot. It didn't taste that bad, I'd eat it again. You have to realize they were in this delicious buttery sauce but they were good. Not too chewy. Mm. But they LOOKED gross, so it's best when eating snails not to stare at it too long before you eat it.

Back at my house, we watch a cute little movie called French Kiss. Starts of disasterous, ends in joyful happiness. I liked it, not like I'd want to see it again, but it was nice. I sort of hate those movies though, the lovey kinds.

I'm beginning to hate TV too. Today I vegetated prime-time style, conked out on the couch in front of the telly trying to not feel sick. The TV was sending out barf rays to me, got that woooozee feeling. Maybe I should get that checked. Anyway, everything just looked like ridiculous, although that's why it's TV and not reality. Those TV people piss me off, resolving their problems in a 30-minute sitcom, including commercials mind you. What is with that? Am I the only one annoyed by this? I may as well just watch PBS, but today I turned to it and I think Barney was on, which scared the crap outta me. I thought some poachers killed him by now for his oh-so-soft purple polyester shell...

Or it might not be polyester, maybe it's...cotton. Another show I was watching was Power Rangers or something, I haven't watched that for 5 years and like, what the hell, I had no idea what was going on. It was jsut so bad, but it wasn't a funny bad, more like a "This is one of the worst things ever, and I don't mean television" bad. My expectations are too high I think.

I was thinking everyone must be narrow minded in some sense, so I was like.."okay...then what's wrong with me?" in which I could say LOTS of things but I guess this whole life-has-no-meaning thing is still annoying me. Don't get me wrong, I still think it's partly true, I still dislike living, and what's worse is that there are kids out there with no food, no parents, no identity, no place to live; I wonder what I'd be like if i was one of those kids. I'd be dead in less than an hour I bet. Well it wouldn't matter, cos if I really was in that position no one would care. I think the easiest way to commit suicide...well maybe not easiest but least painful would be using carbon monoxide. Ah, the most useful thing I learned in drivers ed. I wouldn't do it though, I don't even know how to turn on the car and it prolly doesn't have a leak..well I just stand in the garage..er..nah. I'd hate that. I say, if worse comes to worse, that's what I'll do.

Am I morbid? Of so...uh...well that's my problem. Who am I talking to anyway? All this typing is making me tired, and my fingers are all frozen and crap...
I had something to say...but...I forgot it. I'm in another one of those weird states in which everything seems rather empty, ya know?

I haven't been getting much e-mail lately..then again there are some people out there who don't HAVE e-mail addresses, and then the people that do may not get as much as I do..er..I don't know. Not to mention anyone in particular, but some of my e-mail friends I don't really enjoy e-mailing...not like it's annoying, it's nice to e-mail people around the world, but how come some people write e-mails that are about 2 sentences long? You know what I mean? I spend time on my e-mails making them semi-worthwhile, and then I get something back that I can read in a second. Ah well. I'm a nice person, I won't let it bother me.

But I already have..sigh. And the people I'd most like to hear from are the ones that don't E-MAIL me a lot, what is with that? Am I so pathetic that I check my e-mail every day and reply to them nearly every day? I'm SORRY okay? Yeesh. If you inform me on the instruction of "getting a life" I may just follow them! Actually, I won't, because I don't like you. :)

If you end messages with a smile, they seem so much nicer! Like "I think all dogs should go to HELL!" :) I don't actually think that, it was just an example. :)

God I have to keep sneeezing, I hate that. Cos if I sneeze too much my bronchial tubes or something constrict and then breathing is just so much harder. Don't you hate it when it's hard to breathe? I mean, breathing is quite important. From what I recall. Ugh now my eyes are watery! Man I'm tired. Oo lookie i'm complaining. WEE! WEEWEE!

Isn't it annoying that there are so many narrow minded people out there? The other day at lunch my friend and I had this big argument with another girl that sits at our table..I mean not like heated argument, just a fun little...debate...it's not really important what it was about, but it was like a lot of the stuff she was saying was contradictory to something ELSE she said, you know what I mean? And..well I'm not some who argues a lot I think, cos I'd prolly lose every debate. I'd just give up or something. I'm not one to push something too far, unless it's going to a Beck concert or something.

Ah...watching Conan O Brien, haven't done that in a while. I've got a 4 day weekend, although the first day of that weekend is over...well then. Conan is just sucha funny dude, I can barely take it. GOD he's all funny and stuff. Ah. And Triumph the Insult Comic Dog is jsut a freak man..hehe...he's funny too. Man this is SOO funny, you've gotta watch this...

Anyway, for those of you who haven't been e-mailing me lately and usually do, I understand, oh it's not YOUR fault, you're all busy and crap, doing important CRAP, it's my fault for caring, so I won't anymore, I'll just suppose you will all end up in hell! But I don't believe in hell...well then maybe you do. MWAHAHAHA! :)



November 06, 2000

Oo it's been a while eh? Oops. Well..not much has happened I guess. I had some fun this weekend...err, watched some MOOOVIES. And some friends came to my house. Oo. That doesn't happen often.

So the movies we watched were quite good...Jerry Maguire (cute movie) and ARMY OF DARKNESS! Nuttin get's better than ARMY OF DARKNESS! It's the funniest movie ever, I swear. I won't evgen describe it, you'll have to take my word for it. It's oen of those horrible horror movies with bad special effects and overacting, you have to see it. The main character is a major bad ass demon fighter with a chainsaw as an arm! CHAINSAW ARM! HAHA!

Er...yeah. So. That is what I did I think. And went to McDonalds, which I haven't done in a long tim. I miss that place...you can just SMELL the fat! mm! CAN YA SMELL IT!?

I am NOT failing English, woo! I got an A on something, that sure is a turn of events. Yoohaw..yee...hoo...ee...uhhh

Where the HELL are my archives? Are the links there? Does anyone caaaare? Nope.

I have obviously run out of things to say. I'm not in a very intellectual mood...well there are only two more days of school this week, thank god. TOODLES!

November 01, 2000

Hey there's another music awards show, the Radio Music Awards or something...isn't that retarded? I mean, if you get a lot of airplay on the radio, you're prolly just another top hit artist in which there are already like three other award shows for that. But..RADIO..of course, we can't exclude that.
"Next time you board a plane, BEWARE, for something DEADLY could happen...TO YOU! It could be happening at this very MOMENT! RIGHT NOW! BEWARE OF AIPLANES! The full report, TOMORROW, on the 10 o clock news on Fox 5!"

Oh I could be dead by tomorrow, but thanks for caring! I mean really, isn't it just ridiculous? Even more so when they're like "A common appliance in all of our kitchens...DEADLY?! It's not what you think...tune in after the commercial break!" Ah. Yes. I mean, I thought butcher knives were sort of deadly, but I was wrong...it was the NAPKIN HOLDER! DAMN YOU NAPKIN HOLDERS!

Oo, another plane crash in Taiwan...yes, it's not a good idea to take off during a typhoon, you think? Ah well. I still like airplanes.

So anyway, what is the meaning of life? I mean, no one really KNOWS, and you know WHY? There is no meaning! I mean, come on, 2+2=4, and there is no meaning to life. But don't take my word for it, I'm usually wrong about...everything. What do you think? I'm interested, really. Actually I change my mind, the meaning of life varies with each person...that sounds better. So what is the meaning of your life? Think about it. I think my life would be better if I was never born, which is sort of an...ironic statement, cos if I was never born, I wouldn't have a life to make any better..so I don't know. It sounded good at the time I thought of it. I mean, if I died right now, people might be like "Oh, that's sad, Robyn's dead..." but I haven't made any REAL impact on anyone's life, or made any contributions. Like today, I saw a dead deer on the side of the road. It was very sad, I didn't stare, took a small look. I doubt the deer would have liked people gawking at it. I hope someone has cleaned it up now, it was just freaky. I mean, I practically stepped over it. I was *this* close. I don't think so much about dead squirrels, like..they're just squirrels...but then a dead deer..everything is different. Anyway, back to what I was saying, is that...I wonder what that deer did in it's life. Romped around the forest? Ate vegetation? I don't know, I never will. Maybe it's stupid to think of those things. But then it's hit by a car, and that's it. Poof. Why is roadkill always on the side of the road? I mean, do cars go out of their WAY to hit the animals? It was on the side and I don't know why someone would MOVE it, I mean if you're gonna move it might as well take it to the police station while you're at it, right? Right.

And no one will know what my life is like either. Except for me. It's almost eerie. Like I hold all this information that no one else will ever know, although no one cares either.

I left my friggin clarinet in school again. Errrgh. Why won't my brain work? I figured out why I don't like band...cos I'm not a band person. Boy, it takes a genius to figure that one out, eh? Yeah. But it's rather simple I guess, just took me a while to figure out. Humans are like that, making things more complicated than they really are, when the answer is right under their noses. Like if someone really had to go to the bathroom and they were in the middle of nowhere..uh..uh..nevermind. I saw a car pulled over on the highway once and this little kid was peeing in the grass, I'm guessing that's why they stopped. If I remembered something like that when I was older I'd freak.