September 30, 2000

I just realized I haven't posted anything in a while...well not much has been happening. Yesterday was definitely a bad day though.

It didn't start off too badly. But then 4th period English came. We had to get into our groups for the Catcher in the Rye project, like think of ideas and stuff. So I sat there, staring at the other members of my group rather blankly, cos I didn't have anything to contribute. I felt bad too, cos everyone else contributed something but me! I was completely devoid of anything intellectual to say. Everything everyone else was saying sounded so...correct, like they really knew what they were talkin about. And I read Catcher in the Rye like the rest of em yet I couldn't think of anything. It's sad really. Maybe I have some kind of disability, I think slower than the other people in my class. :(

Next depressing moment was in computer science. That class just frustrates me cos I dont know how to make the programs and stuff, like the dude next to me was going "This is so easy!" Errrgh! And I finished my program, compiled it, and it said I didn't have any errors...and then I tried to run it and it wouldn't work. That just got me very depressed. And there wasn't anyone to help me cos I don't really have any friends in that class. Everyone else seems to be friends with..someone, errrgh! I don't know. So I just stopped working on it like, 5 minutes before the period ended, cos I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere, and I sat at my desk with my head on my backpack trying to sleep. Sigh.

I noticed that something wasn't right...I felt like I was forgetting something, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Then I realized it...I had forgotten my clarinet in one of my classes. It was either French or English...I think it was English. I was pretty worried all throughout lunch, cos if I lost my clarinet I was screwed.

Lunch was definitely more drowning-in-sorrow time. While worrying about my clarinet, I was left at the table alone. My friend who sits with me at lunch decided she wanted to go home (we had an early dismissal so school would be out after lunch anyway) even if it was just 40 minutes early. She knew that if she left I'd be all alone, well at least I think she did. And if she didn't, she should have known. I wrote some letters instead of eating, cos I wanted to go out and eat with my mum when I got home.

When lunch/school had ended I went back to my French and English class to see if my clarinet was there, and it's a bit of a walk from the cafeteria. And of course, as I predicted, the classrooms were locked. Wonderful, eh? Now I couldn't practice. Although I guess I wouldn't anyway.

Luckily as I was leaving the 300 wing (the language wing) I saw my friend Aliza and walked outside to wait with my mum with her. That was nice I suppose, better than being alone. While out there she started chatting with this other friend which didn't annoy me or anything but then someone else came over too I think and they were all talking about what present to get some person, I guess someone was having a party. I mean I prolly didn't even know the person (they kept saying her name was Jen and there must be a bagillion "Jens") and if I did I wouldn't have fun at the party anyway, but I just felt so awkward standing there while other people were talking about "oo what are you going to wear? what are you getting her?" and stuff like that, you know? To tell you the truth it was just pissing me off for no good reason, like I wanted to puke, I'm horrible in that way. I'm horrible! It's not comfortable to be horrible.

So I walked away from them as silently as I could (not very easy, I was wearing a bright red sweatshirt) and stood maybe 50 feet away. And I wanted to cry, which was really weird, cos...it's stupid! Isn't it? I wasn't horrible sad...uh..unless I really was. I don't know. But I didn't cry, my eyes just welled up with water. I hate crying, it's messy. Yuck.

And I got home and the rest of the day went dandy. Glee.

September 23, 2000

Not that much bad stuff has been happening lately, so that's good eh? For one thing, today there wasn't any school! But today is already over so only two days of freedom left...and then back to that...PLACE...called SCHOOL...NOOOO!

Yesterday in school, the only thing that really got to me was my computer science class. I mean, I don't know exactly what I'm learning! It's like, the teacher gives us an assignment, like a program to make, and we have to make it...but I don't know HOW! And it's not like I've missed any classes, we use the dittos that we were given to figure it out I guess but I can't seem to find all the information I need in the stuff he gave us. But it seems like everyone else can make the programs okay, so what's wrong with me? Maybe they got a lot of help or something, I didn't ask for any help but it didn't seem as though anyone would want to give me help anyway. I mean, it really made me depressed, I almost cried but I'm pretty good at controlling that I guess, although if I was REALLY good at it I wouldn't have felt like crying in the first place! It's such a stupid thing to cry over, if you think about it, and even if you don't think about it, it IS stupid! Stupidstupidstupid!

So I am no friends with my comp sci class. At least I don't get any homework in that class I suppose.

And right now, no one is online to chat with, errrgh! I hate that. I really do. I'm also trying to figure out which theater "Dancer in the Dark" is playing at, I mean the commercials say it comes out today, and I know it's in NY somewhere and I'm probably going to NY today, soooo! Crap.

God, I'm tired, and I've only been awake for 12 hours, which isn't that long is it? On a school day I'm up for 18-19 hours, although I think I'm much more tired on those days.

Man, why are these Jay Leno shows called "Special Edition" I mean, they're not any more special than the ones that don't take place during the Olympics, except these shows are SHORTER which is nice. I'm not a big fan of Jay, not that I hate him or anything but David Letterman is just so much better!

September 18, 2000

Man, I'm feeling so strange right now, like my stomach is going to explode or something. Well not explode, but it hurts a little. Maybe I have a psychological disorder! I mean, seriously, I was thinking about it because for English, we had to list things about Holden in Catcher in the Rye that may indicate he has a psychological disorder. Well he's got more problems than I do, but I don't show my problems, they're all in my head, which really drives me crazy sometimes! But I wouldn't be surprised if there really was something wrong with me.

In English we had a class discussion about Catcher in the Rye because we just finished it, and the teacher was putting emphasis on the fact that we could raise our grades and stuff with our participation points and I've been thinking about that all day. Frankly I don't recall ever taking part in a class discussion. I've probably had countless opportunities to, but I swear that I never have! And that scares me a bit, like what exactly have I been doing in school for the past 10 years anyway? I've come to the comclusion I'm just a slow thinking, because I sat there in class today, thinking of what I could say, but someone else always got to it before I could, or it just sounded stupid in my head. Lots of things do.

Another thing I was thinking about, last night in bed I was thinking about mistakes I make in class, like calling out answers and stuff. I don't raise my hand much so I don't really have much chance to mess up, but I can remember all the times I have! Or a lot of times that I have, and it's scary. These things are so miniscule, and don't mean much, I mean aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes? But I don't feel like I've learned much, maybe I just haven't made enough. I still remember in 4th grade, we were going over the math homework in a circle, and every time it was my turn to say an answer I got it wrong! For some reason, every OTHER answer I had was right but ever time it landed on me I was wrong. I was just sitting in the wrong spot...but I was really sad after that, I almost cried. Just a little reminder of how pathetic I am. I remember in 8th grade, in French class we were doing some excersizes from the book orally and I had no idea what I was supposed to say, I just stared at the book blankly, I wasn't really lost but I didn't know what we were doing. Does that make sense? At least the teacher knew I was a good student, cos I think after that he just called on someone else.

And today in French class we were doing oral excersizes and we do that in the language lab, which has compturs and headphones and that stuff. We all sit in our own booths and when the teacher calls on you, you speak in the microphone and it's freaky cos like, you hear your own voice and everyone else hears it too. The teacher called on me for something and I didn't reallky expect it and I totally funbled comjugating this verb. I know it SOUNDS stupid, but I couldn't remember so I sort of made something. The worst thing is that the teacher wrote it on the board, and even though I saw it and read it, I still said the wrong thing and I said it about three times, like what I saw just wouldn't compute in my head. It freaked me out!

Sigh. Other stuff is bothering me too, but I'd like to go to bed, it's about midnite and I've got another wonderful fun filled day of school ahead of me! Can you feel the joy? No? Neither can I.

September 14, 2000

Oh I know what poop must feel like, cos I feel so crappy today. It's a combination of being sick and mentally, being odd, and right now I'm home alone which adds to the constant loneliness of me.

Why? I don't KNOW! I hate that. I just hate it when something is wrong with me, and I don't know what! I'm horrible at explaining things. Does this happen to anyone else, or am I completely alone on this? I just don't know what's wrong but I feel so sad and depressed, I think if I didn't have to go to school I wouldn't feel so bad, but I do. Because I'm pretty well composed at school I guess. I've always thought the reason I don't like to tell people about my depressiveness and stupid problems is because I don't want it to rub off on them, because chances are they WOULD and who needs that, eh? Yeah. So if you're reading this now and thinking "Oh this is sad, now I'm depressed," then I'm sorry.

I got a C- on that English summer reading essay. It's not really bothering me much though. Thank god for that. A C+ would have been a little nicer though.

So back to me complaining about nothing...uh..yup. That's about it. It's sad though, I don't know anyone I can talk about this face-to-face with, I mean not like I want to go to a shrink or something, I don't think that would help. But it'd be nice to have someone around here that I could talk to. What is WRONG with everyone here? I think I expect too much out of people. Sigh. I don't know what to think of my friends here, I don't think any of them would understand this strange mentality I have, but I've never told em about it either...so maybe they would...but maybe I don't want them to. Maybe I don't want to get close to any of my friends here cos even though I know they wouldn't REJECT me or anything, our relationships wouldn't be the same...maybe. I haven't the slightest idea. I can't afford to lose any friends.

Last night I was thinking I was a horrible person. I don't feel like talking about it now though, maybe tomorrow.

September 13, 2000

I think there are two subjects in school worth learning; math and English. And maybe science. But generally, math and English. The difference between the two is that I'm...GOOD at math, and English is a totally different story.

Each day I'm becoming more discouraged in English class. I like creative writing but this year we're not doing any of that stuff. And I swear I'm the stupidest person in my class! Well if not the stupidest at least the slowest thinker. I always think everything through that I want to say before I say it. So in the end I usually say nothing. :( I guess I don't really WANT to say anything. I don't have anything to contribute to the class, you know? In my head, everything that I'd like to say sounds really stupid compared to what other people say...maybe I don't belong in Honors English! I mean i don't think I'm good at this stuff, although I tend to think I'm not very good at anything, i just feel like everyone is so much more mature than I am! WHERE DID I GO WRONG?!

I think I'll write a book. Yes. No one will buy it but it'll make me feel better. Maybe.

And that is what is really annoying me. I know I'll probably do fine in English like every year, but still I've got this feeling that...I wont. The teacher implied that everything we've been learning before isn't gonna help us this year, in fact we should FORGET everything we've learned! Then what the heck was the point of all that crap I went through last year? WHAT WAS THE POINT? ANSWER MEEEE!

Sigh.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Yeah, in my class everyone is real smart, oo I hate being around all those SMART...PEOPLE! Always using their brains and having IDEAS and such! WHAT IS WITH THAT?! Actually I'm always using my brain, I'm always thinking of something, which is distracting sometimes really. Especially in ENGLISH class when I should be involved in class discussions, or something like that. So far all we're discussing about is the novel To Kill A Mockingbird which I didn't enjoy all that much. I mean, it's not a bad book or anything but if I was reading it on my own I would really really REALLY have to force myself to read every page, you know? It's not like every page is attention grabbing...hardly at all. But everyone has different opinions; some people really LIKED the book. :P

In every one of my classes I've got this similar problem, feeling like everyone is smarter than me. I mean everying that I think about in my head sounds so STUPID! And I'm such a slow thinker, it's really sad, I don't even know how I get through school with decent grades. So just to save everyone from being exposed to my stupidity I figure it's better to not say anything at all. This is sort of the same mentality I had with marching band, I wasn't especially good or bad at marching but I figured I would be doing everyone a favour if I wasn't in the band, you know? I mean, they wouldn't KNOW I was doing them a favour, but I'd know and that made me feel slightly better.

What do you think? Sigh my gook!

http://www.alxbook.com/cgi-bin/guestbook.cgi?gb=Y28439

September 11, 2000

I've been trying to download Shockwave for about...a few years. WHY the heck can't I download it! Can anyone help me? Every time I try to, it just doesn't work, but something is downloading...ARGH I AM SO PISSED! Or it'll download for a few minutes and stop halfway. IT DOESN'T LIKE ME! DAMMMMIT!
I'm not sure if I hate school. I definitely don't enjoy it, but it's not extremely hard or bad. I just...don't like it. I don't really have any good reasons. It's just a feeling, I get lots of those feelings that you just can't explain. School just feels cold and uncomfortable I guess.

Today there were class meetings and at the sophomore meeting, the class supervisor was talking about raising school spirit, or something like that, and how this year Spirit Week would be a bigger deal than last year. I don't think there is anything my school can do to raise my school spirit. I mean, the whole environment has to change I think. When I went to TAS (Taipei American School) I just HAD school spirit, and so did everyone else. Well there were always those few people that didn't, but very few I think. But in this school not many people have school spirit and that just rubs off on everyone else. Pep rallies are pretty bad too. Sigh.

So I was just pondering that. Maybe cos kids in my school don't have that much freedom. I mean, I don't think so...compared to TAS at least. I don't remember having to be constantly reminded of the rules and stuff like that, yet here it's like teachers are always reminding us about them. First of all, the cafeteria and the commons have signs with lists of rules posted all over and then...sigh. Blargh. It's like we're all potential criminals...especially last year when we had that drug bust. We were all locked in our classrooms while policemen and those drug sniffing dogs roamed the hallways. I heard they found one bag of marijuana, I expected them to find more. Hm. Well if you leave drugs in your locker you're a real dumb-ass and just for being stupid you ought to be punished...

Today at lunch there were like, 10 people at my table, half of them I didn't know. I mean, I know I don't OWN the table but last year it was just me and my friend, Sheryl, who sat at it. Last week we were still the only people sitting at it, and today, all of a sudden here come all these people I don't know. God forbid that I TALK to them, or they talk to me, you know, cos something like...CONVERSATION WITH ROBYN is just UNHEARD OF! What is it with me that people just don't want to talk to me? I've got this feeling that no one really likes me...well not NO one, but not that many people, which isn't fair cos no one knows me very well. I mean I don't make judgements about people I don't know, because I think that'd be unfair. I'm not being paranoid, trust me, but I'll be sitting right next to my friend, who someone will be chatting up a storm with, and I'll be blankly staring at the wall, or my desk; I don't know how to talk to people...my GOD! I'm such a loser!

...well THAT was a confidence booster, eh? WOOHOO! Go me. I'll keep wallowing in my sorrow, it gives me something to think about. As long as I can control myself, then I wont need...prozac..or that other drug, the one for people who get really freaked out around people and stuff. Actually I COULD use some of that stuff. I was wondering just how shy I am. I can talk up a storm with someone, if we're talking about a topic I can contribute a lot to, but otherwise I get incredibly uncomfortable around people, even if I've known em since elementary school. Isn't that weird? Sometimes I talk very loudly and get very strange, but other times I talk so softly you can barely understand what I'm saying. Other times I'll be very quiet and not draw any attention to myself, and other times I'll be laughing, having a great time, and appear rather outgoing. I know I don't have multiple personalities or anything, but I find the whole thing very strange. Don't you? I'll prolly have more to say about this later...oh happy day, our savior has arrived.

September 10, 2000

I haven't gone anywhere today. Yup. Stayed inside my house allll day. Except that one time I went out to get the mail.

There is never a dull moment in the life of Robyn.

Today I talked on the phone. With another human being! Not with a prerecorded voice! OH MY GOD!

....boy, life can only get sweeter from here.

Is there anything wrong with being too "girly"? I don't really know anyone who's very girly, but I was just thinking about it. I realized that I'm not particualrly girly, but I'm not tomboy-ish either, which puts me in the "undecided" category or something. I mean, I've got nearly no guy friends, and I've only got a few girl friends. If I was more "girly" I'd prolly have more friends, I mean it's not like So what the heck am I? WHAT AM I?

My bro just started his first year in college and got drunk for the first time! Woohoo!....? Well I dunno, I mean I don't really care much about it cos he never did anything during his high school years, I guess it's time for him to go out and...do something that "normal" people do. I just think it's funny, it's something you can't imagine he'd do, but you REALLY want to see him do it. :)

September 08, 2000

You know what is a wonderful song? "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." It's just so nice and simple, and when Rufus Wainwright sings it it sounds like heaven! Well ANYTHING he sings sounds so good. Beck's a great singer too, but it's not quite the same. You can really feel Rufus's voice, it's almost as if he possesses some magical...voicebox, that has been hidden for centuries, and it's finally been opened to release vibrations and beautiful things.

...uh...well you know what I mean, right? So go indulge yourself in some creamy, wonderful Rufus! CREAMY!

Today in English class we were talking about teen depression. Oh what a fun, wonderful topic! I didn't contribute much, I just thought about the subject in my own little head. Yup. One girl was talking about the media and how they "tell you what to look like, how to dress, what to be interested in" and stuff like that. I mean, I'm not listening to the media, I'll do whatever I want! Which is usually nothing. Actually, I tend to avoid whatever trend is going on. But anyway...what is wrong with kids these days? Do they need a magazine to tell them how to function or something? Cos that's pretty sad. I don't get depressed from seeing beautiful models and celebrities doing stuff, I get depressed from my life life in itself! I'm not sure what the one thing is, but so many different things just make me depressed and disappointed....

I think one of my problems is that I get too jealous of people. I mean I don't show it...at least I don't intend too. But I can't help it. I don't like being jealous of people, I feel like it's not right to feel that way, but I am, and it's very irritating. Since I don't like to talk about it with anyone I just get this horrible feeling inside my gut somewhere. I've always got this feeling that everyone else is better off than I am, which I know isn't true...okay, not EVERYONE but everyone I'm close to seems to have a better life or something's really good goin on with em, and here I am on this computer talking to you. Don't take that the wrong way, but it's a Friday night and today I've been on the net for like, 4 hours. But it's not any different from any other Friday so I guess I shouldn't complain.

Sometimes I just wonder what "normal" teenagers do. I mean, no one is really NORMAL but there has to be a "normal teenager" right? Do teens really go out to parties and have boyfriends/girlfriends and get drunk and do retarded things that they do just cos they're teens? Cos I don't know ANY of these people..okay, I might know one or two, but that's it. Then again I don't know that many people.

I think there was something else I wanted to say, but I forgot. Lucky you. :)

September 07, 2000

I wrote this horrible essay about life...you want to read it? Sure ya do!

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Life exists to reproduce, to create more of it’s own kind. In turn, that life lives to create more life. This cycle will go on and on and will never stop until the world becomes so overpopulated nothing more can possibly exist, or perhaps when the earth explodes, with lava spewing everywhere and eradicating everything in its path. Or maybe aliens will finally take over pathetic little planet and turn us into their slaves! Or maybe mankind will build colonies on other planets so we can dominate them, turning lifeless hunks of matter into homes for future generations. Oh joy, I’ve always wanted to live on Mars! So much dirt to play with, yet so little time before the dust storm comes and blows us into tiny pieces…

But what is the meaning of life? If no one has the answer, does this mean there is no meaning and we go about our lives only to die sometime in the future? What’s the point of that (hint: there is no point)? I just want to know why I was put on this planet, and I doubt I’m the only one who wonders that.

I suppose the meaning of life is different for each person. A frog probably thinks, “The meaning of life is to flick out my tongue, eat bugs and say ‘ribbit’ a lot!” and a cow probably thinks, “The meaning of life is to chew grass all day, give my milk to Mr. Farmer, and let people tip me over while I sleep,” (this is of course if they think in English). I would say the meaning of life is to hang around for a few years (heck, more than that if you’re one of the lucky ones) and then die, but I don’t always have the brightest outlook on things. Then again I’m only 15 so I’m probably way ahead of myself…or am I? I’m not the healthiest person out there, and my mom is always pushing me to eat healthier, to get out and do something and not sit around all day. Oh, to be healthy, to prolong my life, to push death farther away from me, how I would love that!

I’m kidding, of course. Do I really want to live till I’m 90? I think about it as a kid and go, “Hey, I can see how our world has progressed and marvel at all the new inventions, such as toilets that can talk to you (excuse me, you missed a spot), blah, blah, blah.” I think about it as an old 90 year old woman and go, “My GOD I’m 90 years old! I can barely walk! I have to suck everything through a straw! Damn technology, where’s my straw?” I might be more pleasant than that, but in the long run I think life would go something like that. Isn’t that sad? Yes. I mean, I like sitting around doing nothing except thinking (sometimes not even that), I like staying home and not going to places with friends, I take enjoyment in the comfort of my own home. So really, how pathetic does that really make me? I’ll give you some time to yourself…
*Robyn sits quietly and hums the Jeopardy theme song*

Okay, time’s up! How much money did you wager? Oh wait, I thought we were still on Jeopardy…anyway, maybe you shouldn’t answer that question I asked you before. I can read your mind…I know what you’re thinking. So enough about me, how are you doing? Oh heck, I don’t care about you, back to me.

As I was saying, this is the cycle of life:

BE BORN --> SMILE AND DROOL A LOT --> GO TO SCHOOL --> GET BEAT UP BY THAT KID DOWN THE STREET --> GO TO COLLEGE --> GET BEAT UP BY THE KID DOWN THE HALL --> TAKE A WHIZZ (you deserve it, big guy!)à GET A JOB --> DIE

Oh wait, I forgot a few essential things…you have to fall in love. Then you can get married or have kids. Oh, what the hell, go crazy and do both! Or neither. And you don’t have to necessarily do them in that order. Wow, life is full of possibilities!

I’ve got better things to do than sit here and talk to you, so I now leave you to ponder your existence. Yes, take as much time as you need, I’m listening!

GLEE!

---

Something free?
YIP-EE DEE!
I was looking in one of my Dave Barry books about wonderfully horrendous gifts you can buy people...one of them was a worm blower. "A what?" Yeah. The container looks like an Elmer's Glue container...I suppose you stick it up the worm's...uh...you stick it up the worm and squeeze the bottle and get a nice bloated worm. I can hear those fishes now..

"...oo yeah, I'd like to get a bite of THAT worm! YEAH BABY!"

...well if fishes could think in English, you never know, it might go something like that. Or not. Preferably not.

But any, I'm not here to tell you about the joys of bloated worms! Noooo, I was put on the earth for a much better reason, not one I can think of right now, but one day it will come to me.

My glasses are so annoying! They won't stay on my head right...my ears must not be leveled correctly. Or my glasses need some adjusting. But my head is deformed after all...what is with doctors using those forcep thingies to pull babies out? That must leave marks in some people's heads. Or turn them into cone heads like me! CONE HEAD! Well not to THAT extent...but...nevermind.

You know what's great? Troy McLure in PLANET OF THE APES! MWAAAHAHAHA!

.....okay. Now it is time for me to dole out some wonderous advice. You know it's good. It's from ME!

"Sniff glue. So tastee!"

September 06, 2000

You know what's been bothering me? Of course not. I was just thinking about marching band. I used to be in it last year, and since then I've quitted it. I mean, it sounds so bad, saying I QUIT, I'd prefer to say that...I've left it to pursue something else. Which would be not to be in marching band. You probably think that's stupid. You're free to think whatever you want.

Okay, so what is up with me and marching band? Some kind of burning hatred? No, I don't HATE it, I say I hate things but I don't mean it. I mean, it just wasn't right for me! Is that SO HARD for people to understand? I mean, geez, people are like, "Hey Robyn, you aren't in marching band?" NO! I'm not! And me not being there doesn't affect you at all! And do you want to know why? Because at ever frickin practice I either just sat there, or stood there, with no one to talk to usually, or perhaps sometimes someone would tell me to move over, but that was pretty much it. It's not easy, marching band is hard work and I can't put my heart and soul into something I don't love. And I definitely didn't love marching band. I didn't do a half-assed job either, I tried as hard as I could, and with a mixture of not liking it, and being depressed at every practice (EVERY practice, at one point or another, little things make me sad. Just seeing a bunch of people together, laughing and having a great time made me sad), you can imagine I wasn't very good.

At the end of practice I would feel tired, depressed, worthless, yadda yadda, there are lots of other words but I'd have to get my thesaurus. And why? No one ever made me feel welcome. Okay...that might not be true, people attempted, but they didn't really try. Maybe someone would go, "Hey Robyn!" or...no that's all I can think of. I'd kindly say "hi" or wave or...something. These people were just being polite. Most wouldn't actually develop a conversation with me, but I guess I should give them credit for being...polite.

This is also my fault. I never attempted to fit in either. Everyone had their own friend that they were inseperable it seemed. Or they had a great big group of friends. We'll say that no one made me feel like I was the special friend, I mean I didn't intend anyone too. There isn't one person in my school who I would consider inseperable from me or a best friend. No one really knows me very well. They all think I'm...quiet, shy, annoying, goofy, I mean I AM, but I'm not genuinely happy here, and that's why I can't really act like...myself. TRULY myself. Only partly. Like...60%. That is also my fault, I haven't really tried to be happy here I suppose.

So I guess, in the end, everything is my fault, eh? That's dandy.
Oh I remembered what it was I was thinking of...

I was wondering exaclty how good of a person I am. What exactly have I contributed to this world? GARBAGE! Yes, I made waste and threw it away to end up in our nation's landfills and into the world's oceans. How sad, if you think about it...but as much as I wish I had done something to the benefit of someone else, I'm just too freakin lazy to do anything! That's sad too. Whoa man, that is quite pathetic. Well. I'll try not to think about it so much...

In fact, being alive isn't all that wonderful. Is it? Is life really such a great gift? I'm not sure. I suppose it's okay...if it's not too cold or hot...

...what the heck am I talkin about?

Okay, I'm thinking. Damn...the horrible sadness I had felt before is gone, which you might think is good, but I needed it so I could write about it. Now I'm sad cos I can't write about what I wanted to write about! And that's a different kind of sadness.

Hiho!

I have no idea why I made this page. Maybe so I can write something when I get a burst of creativity.

HAHA...yeah whatever. That will happen when the earth explodes.

I rather like the word "explode". Isn't it nice? It sounds weird. Like diarrhea, you know? Wait..not really...okay. Think about it. Not too hard though, wouldn't want you to hurt any of those important things...you know...brain cells? They are important aren't they? Think about that too.

But not too hard.