December 12, 2000

For some reason I started off the day tired, and sort of went throughout the whole day like that. I was bitter I guess, although it wasn't as bad as what happend 3-4 weeks ago. I think it was 3 weeks. 3? Something like that. Oh well, it's happening again. Poop.

I've come to the conclusion I hate most of the people around me, or I hate a lot of them, and I shouldn't, but they bring it about themselves. There are so many idiots in the world, and I'm not saying that in some way I'm not one of them, but I can't be THAT bad. I'd like to see the people in my school try and live in a third world country for a day...or just a few hours...in some poverty stricken area when nothing is served to them on a silver platter, or any kind of platter at all, some place where people will look at them as though they're worth nothing, not that people don't do that now, but it's not the same. Sure it's a horrible thing, but some people just deserve that stuff. I don't believe in any kind of afterlife so I doubt anyone will be going to hell to live in an eternal firey hole of despair.

I don't know what made me so sad, but I bring it about myself really. Like during English I decided I'd ignore my friend a bit, why not, she annoys the hell out of me, if she asked me a question I'd answer her though. She has another friend who she seems to treasure more than me anyway, sometimes I think I should just not be her friend anymore and then she can devote all her time to the other person. Do her a favor in some sort of strange sense. She's not such a good friend, but neither am I, so I guess that evens out. I wish she didn't call me every night about English homework, it's like she expects me to know all the answers to questions that only the teacher would know...people ask me questions like that, like "Do we have a test this week in blah blah?" and how the hell would I know, do I look like the teacher? Ugh.

During lunch I was doing homework and everyone (the other three people who sit at my table) got up and left and some point, no goodbye or anything, although I brought that upon myself I guess by looking busy and like I don't care about what other people do. I think I take every single action of my friends and people who aren't my friends in to consideration and sometimes thinking about those things so much make me go crazy...or something....I don't think that made much sense...but anyway...

I don't know why the actions of other people annoy me so much. Like stuff that doesn't affect me...I just see all the horrible stuff that's happening around me and I hate it all. I'm disappointed by teenagers these days, I'm disappointed by my own generation. Isn't that sort of sad? Not like I can do anything to change em I guess. I never fully understood why so many people cheat. It's absolutely ridiculous, here are these people in a rush to do a last minute assignment, although it obviously wasn't important enough for them to do it BEFORE hand, so why even do it then? Just don't do the stupid work. I hate it when people are like "Oo can you do this for me, I don't get it." Well doing it for the person isn't going to help much, who are they kidding? I'm not saying I've never not cheated, but if I forget to do something I'm not going to copy it at the last minute off someone else, or if I knew I could get away with cheating during a test/quiz, I wouldn't do that either. The other day we took a short little quix on the Odyssey in English class and my friend was asking me questions to clarify whether her response was correct or not, which is sort of like cheating cos you're not suppose to discuss your answers, obviously. If it was so important that she get a good grade, she should have read the book more carefully.

I especially hate in gym when my teammate says "Robyn, you can't just stand around, you have to get in the game," and really, how does this person know how I feel, that I'm really in the mood to get in the game? They don't, and they've got no authority to tell me what to do, I think. If I want to play, I'll play, and if I don't, then big deal. I could be absent from class, they'd be fine without me. It makes me very angry what people say to me, but I don't really express anger, only sadness, not such a good thing.

Chemistry is the last class of the day for me, and by then I was almost at the end of my rope I think. The class was passing around the same survery as yesterday, which said "Who Would You Rather Bone?" or something like that, and a bunch of people's names, although I didn't feel like filling out out, because there really was no point to it. I don't see the big point, not like my opinion matters much, and I'd rather piss off the retards that made the survey I guess. Still, this one guy is always like "Okay, Robyn will be the only one not filling it out..." and..uh..okay..so? It just annoys me, he even called me stupid because I wouldn't fill it out, which doesn't even MAKE any sense if you ask me.

Still, I guess over the day of nothing especially BAD or GOOD happening I felt like crying but crying when you're alone in a class of people is rather depressing, so I didn't. I just pretended I was yawning...a lot. But then, uhoh, fire drill. A fire drill with 50 mph winds outside, that's peachy. Well maybe not that fast, but something...yeah. And then I joined one of my friends, but I didn't feel much like talking. I guess when that happens, my friend figured something was wrong, or not, but she asked me if anything was wrong and I sort of stayed quiet, cos technically nothing was wrong, but technically something was wrong. It's hard to explain I guess, so I started crying, which doesn't get you ANYWHERE by the way, but it didn't last very long so that's good. I just kept moving farther from the school each time my friend asked me what was wrong. I just said "nothing.." each time, I didn't know what to say, and then she stopped asking. That's sort of good, I guess she knows how to handle me now.

After that, went back to class and did a lab. Fun. After school I took a math test for the math team...got a 3 out of 6. I got the easist problem on the test wrong..I didn't even write anything down for it. I won't even say what it was, it was stupidly easy. I though I'd have to say til 4:30 for band practice but it was cancelled, so I did homework. Fun.

Not much else to say, except I've got an in class essay tomorrow and the teacher gave us the topics we can choose so we can prepare ourselves, and I haven't the slightest idea what to do. I'm thinking of putting down "I don't really enjoy this book," and sleeping for the rest of the period. that could work. I wouldn't be devastated then for getting an F cos at least I'll know I deserved it. I'd hate to spend the period writing an essay that I know will earn me a D when I coulda just not spent any time on it, you know? Ugh.

In addition to that, no one on my AIM list is on right now. They all sort of disappeared. I suppose they had better things to do. I should be doing homework now, but I'm not. That happens a lot.

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