December 21, 2000

Doodoodooodooo...so what's been happenin? One more day of school and then a 10 day vacation!..err..weeee! Not the longest vacation I could have hoped for but it's a hell of a lot more than some people who don't get any time off from anything..well..yeah...

I can't wait till Christmas, I really want to open my presents...well that's all it's about I guess. I mean, I'm an atheist, how else am I going to celebrate Christmas?

Today I had my first session as a peer tutor. I have a study period every day and I decided to sign up for peer tutoring with my friend (you get community service credits for doing it). She helps a girl with physical science and I help this freshman guy with algebra. I thought I'd be better at algebra than science...but I forgot a lot of stuff. I mean, I'm in algebra 2 honors and I need to help this guy in algebra 1, and I sort of forgot how to do the I = prt thing....okay..nevermind. But I felt bad for the kid, because some of these problems were very easy in my opinion (What is 2.4% of 13?) and he didn't know how to do them. I'm very bad at explaining things..I mean, the teachers don't check you out before you sign up for peer tutoring, how do they know I'm qualified to teach? And I can tell this guy doesn't want to learn the math, he was mainly talking with his friends, and I honestly can't tell if he really doesn't understand what he's doing or if he's just goofing off. I think he just doesn't understand it...if he didn't have his other friends in the class to distract him maybe he'd learn better. But I'm a really bad teacher, not very aggressive, although I got sort of pissed when I asked him to do something on the calculator for me and tell me the answer and he replied "zero point zero zero zero zero zero zero..." Oh well...I dunno what to do with him. I get frustrated very easily, I don't know how to teach such simple stuff to this guy without making him stupid...teachers have a tough job, man.

Oh well, I won't have to do that again until....after vacation. Joy. And I've got all this crap do to for chemistry, like this project I've had a few months to do and have barely started. There are 4 people in my group, one who is my friend, and the other two are not...and they asked if they could be with my friend and I and I said yes, although I probably shouldn't have because they don't seem like the most responsible people. And I don't think I want them in my house if we were to really work on this project together. Ugh.

One of these guys, Jon, really gets on my nerves. I don't know what his problem is, sometimes he talks to me as if he's my friend or something, and then other times like I don't exist, but I hardly consider him a friend and sometimes I want to tell him to stop talking to me. Like he'll say "Hi" and I'll give him some stare...and then "Why are you talking to me?" I know, I sound REALLY mean or something, but...you shouldn't act friendly to someone only half of the time, that's giving them a false impression I think. Like before English starts, maybe he'll say something stupid in French because we have French right before English, and then as soon as my other friend comes in he'll talk to her and not me any further unless he's got a question on the work...you know, that's not nice, and that's why I don't like him. Don't act like someone's friend if you don't intend on being their friend.

..sigh...so that's my rant. Also, during gym I wanted to SCREAM at everyone for trying to make me play. During gym I do the only thing I can to; stand there uselessly, walk around uselessly, yawn...yup. When the ball comes my way (we're playing volleyball) I avoid it..or duck...either one is good. And I get very mad when I know I've let down people, but I'm really not that good, and whenever I DO hit the ball (at the most, once during the period) it really hurts. I must be hitting it wrong. So today I started to shout a little bit at my teammate cos he was sort of like "Why didn't you hit the ball?" although he didn't SAY that I know he was thinking that, and I dunno what I said but I was shouting a bit. When I shout people don't think I'm real angry at anything though, they think I'm just being strange, because I rarely do shout at people in anger I think. My other friend would just go "Oh Robyn, you're so cute!" and play on with the game.

If I had no regard for my actions I'd be a raving lunatic. I never really swear or get violent or ANYTHING like that, I'm rather docile, but in my head I have images of being violent to people, like throwing chairs at them, and swearing and shouting people's heads off, like stuff I would never do. It's really unhealthy I think. And that nagging voice that says "I wish I had never been born." It's not so much that I want to commit suicide, I just wish I had never been born in the first place. It woulda saved me a lot of trouble. If you're wondering, I DON'T want to commit suicide, I just want to disappear somehow.

I just dug up this "old" CD I had...maybe 4 years old, the Clueless soundtrack, because I remembered it had and acoustic version of "Fake Plastic Trees" on it. It's very nice, just Thom and the guitar. I am loving Thom more and more! HAHA! But it's not like loving Beck...Beck is like a warm and fuzzier feeling, and Thom is sort of a more distant, introverted...feeling..uh...well. I dunno if that made sense. They're like foils of each other...well..okay, not really..nevermind. I love both of em!

Are kids growing up too fast these days? I'm not sure..i'm always wondering if I'm more mature than other people because they think they're mature even though they're obviously immature, or me thinking I'm mature makes me childish. I have no idea, but I'm got some feeling that while my sense of the world is different from other teenagers...uh..actually, I've got no follow up on that. How can everyone be unique? It can't be true. Billions of people in the world, and not one who is like me? That's crap I think. But in this school I go to, not one person is like me I think. Not one friend to expose my deepest secrets to, my thoughts, no guy worthy of any sort of affection, no subject worth my interest. I'm pretty harsh I guess.

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