November 18, 2000

Today was very odd. Well not really odd, but...ah it was just messed up.

This whole week was quite undepressing I'd say, which is rare. And I really didn't expect anything to upset this...uh...steak of no-depression I've been having, but something HAPPENED today that makes me believes I'm bipolar again. First of all, gym class was just horrible. I mean it wasn't actually horrible, but it's fun for everyone bu me, and it's always been that way. I mean, either everyone finds it fun, or everyone but ME finds it fun. I walked around uselessly when we were playing basketball close to tears about five times, don't ask why, that stuff just depresses me.

Why do stupid things depress me? I hate crying and I really try not to, cos it makes me feel wussy, but I am a wuss so I guess it's okay. But like...watching a sad TV show or movie I'll feel like crying. Well I guess that's no big deal. But gym always makes me cry. And this doesn't happen to anyone else, does it? DOES IT? No. Can anyone tell me why?

After gym, went to band. We didn't play though, that happens a lot, like the teacher will have to do something else, today it was jazz band auditions. I didn't have any work so I...well I was doing something, but I don't know what. Near the end of the period I just went to "sleep" using my backpack as a pillow, and my friend came over and annoyed me unintentionally. To tell you the truth, there are a MILLION things my friends do that annoy the HELL out of me that probably wouldn't annoy a normal person. I'm really annoyed by whining, swearing, WHINING, people who talk to themselves, people who think they're talking to someone but are actually talking to themselves, paranoid people...people who THINK they know you but don't know a damn thing, people who judge other people unfairly. These are my friends. I mean none of them have ALL these qualities, that would be downright horrible, but it's a mixture. I don't think they'll be reading this. If you ARE reading this, you'd know if I was talking about you I think.

Uh...anyway, I didn't feel like being bothered, I would rather wallow in self pity, although I sort of don't like pity, and I just started crying, for no REAL reason to tell you the truth. As far as I know, people usually have good reasons when they cry (My dog died! I got an F on my project! I am sad...and unhappy!) but for me, it was just one of those things, and that's the first time I've cried in school...and wasn't GYM class. And I felt bad, cos maybe my friend thought she caused it, I mean she didn't cause it directly, I hate making people feel bad, which is why I usually just don't TELL the friends I see every day exactly how I feel, how oddly depressed I am, I dunno if I'm protecting me or myself, or..uh..anything at all. Don't get my wrong, I'd love to have a friend here I could relate to and be soul mates with or..whatever, but it ain't happening as far as I know.

So all day I was all poopy. Poop poop poop. Boy I love being poopy. It feuls the creative juices. I wrote three songs today! Well not fully, I've started three songs. They don't sound too bad.

Also I was watching a thing about the Beatles on ABC and I watched the entire thing. I mean I'm not even a FAN but that's the kind of impact they'll have on you. You don't even have to care about them to be interested. They're just so...amazing I guess. I wish my mum had records and CDs of theirs or something, and other great artists from her teenage years, cos I'd love to listen to them! But she doesn't. :( I think I'd really like the Beatles if I got a chance to listen to something of theirs. I should just go buy one of their albums! I mean I've prolly heard at least a dozen of their songs subconsciously on TV, and I really like their song "In My Life" least I think that's what it's called.

I still love Beck, but I haven't been listening to him a whole lot lately. I just got a bunch of CDs from Columbia House in the mail today and I was listening to those. None of them are really reaching out to me so far. I got If You're Feeling Sinester - Bell and Sebastian, The Bends - Radiohead, Parklife - Blur, and Little Earthquakes - Tori Amos. They're all GOOD, but they're not AMAZING...I mean they don't have to be, but I could tell you all the amazing albums right here:
Mutations, Odelay (and maybe One Foot In The Grave) - Beck
Post, Homogenic (Selmasongs, if you see Dancer in the Dark) - Bjork
OK Computer and Kid A - Radiohead
Beginner Piano - Plone (more people should have this! it's the COOLEST thing!)
Rufus Wainwright - Rufus Wainwright (.....yup)

Other great artists are Air, Beth OKAY! Well there IS more to music than Beck. Some of my friends think I only like Beck.

I did some other stuff today..but..ah it's not very important. I want to tell my mum that I want to see a psychiatrist, but I dunno how to bring that into conversation, and she won't take me seriously, I know it. Sigh.


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