November 12, 2000

Hey I feel pretty good now, you know why? I think I've identified my mental disorder! Yeah, a cause to rejoice eh? TEEHEE! It's something called bipolar disorder, which I heard about by skimming the beck bbs. I find myself incredibly lucky if I actually do have bipolar disorder, then I won't have to wonder what's wrong with me anymore.

I've never heard of it before, so I did some research. According to http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bipolar.cfm, "Bipolar disorder--which is also known as manic-depressive illness and will be called by both names throughout this publication--is a mental illness involving episodes of serious mania and depression. The person's mood usually swings from overly "high" and irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, with periods of normal mood in between. " I'm a bit like that I think, cos when I go to school I appear rather cheerful, I laugh a lot and...stuff...then I go home and go into a dark pit of DEPRESSION! Well not exactly, I think I'm happy when I'm alone and get to do whatever I want, but ironically when I'm all alone thats when the "bad" thoughts set in...so it's hard to tell eh? It's a messed up crazy thing!

But I'm more of a depression person than a mania person, they're not really even. Or I notice the depression more. I took a little test on depression and mania at http://www.moodswing.org/bdfaq.html and...I didn't do so great. I got rather high scores, which means I'm more likely to have to have phychiactric evaluation or whatnot. Like for the depression test, 15 and lower meant you were okeley dokey, but I got a 70. And on the mania test, a 20 and lower mean you were fine, but I got a 58. If you want to help me out you can take the test, it's about halfway down the page, and tell me how you do. Cos I'd find it impossible to actually get in the 15 + below and 20 + below range.

So...what does this all mean? I don't feel much like taking medication (like lithium, carbamazepine, and valproate, oh my!) and I don't think I realyl NEED to cos it's not like I have sudden outbursts of freakiness...ever...ya know? So. Yeah. Okay. Well you've read my other blog entries, so maybe you know as much about me as I do...god that would be creepy.

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