November 25, 2000

Heey. Today I've been in permanent lethargy. Woohoo. The best kind.

I mean..well I dunno, I started off the day okay, went downhill for no reason except its just did. Just happened. I don't understand it. When I'm normal I can't imagine being ...not normal, when I'm in this strange state of sleepy-nothingness I can't remember what it's like to be normal. But nothing is really "normal" anyway.

I bought this book yesterday, like a bible of psycological disorders called "Am I Okay?" and it's very interesting and eeriely accurate. It was as though the author was describing me. To some degree. Which is freaky. I was also reading "Flowers For Algernon" for the second time, it's really a wonderful book. It doesn't put you in a good mood, but the best things usually aren't all happy, as far as...books go. Music too. Like my favorite album would have to be Mutations, and not that it's a depressive blackhole of sound, but it's not all peppy happy. And I was listening to Kid A today, it's just amazing I think. Every time I listen to it, it gets better somehow. The first time I listened to it I didn't really like it at all and now I think it's this great thing that should be placed upon the highest mountaintop. It is, I mean if you listen to it closely. The first time I heard "To Disappear Completely" I thought it was...way strange...well not that, but it didn't appeal to me. And now it's one of my favorites, to be it sounds like some bleak hopelessness or sadness, it's quite beautiful. If I could express sadness or fear in such a way I'd be a genius, although I'm not, so that idea goes down the drain. Most of the songs sound like something major had just happened a second ago and then this song just comes on. Like I envision a car crash, ambulances running around, and then "Motion Picture Soundtrack" mixing in with the chaos and such. Horrible situations can be made to look peaceful like that.

Today while talking to my mum, she said that I'm more complicated than she thought I was, and that she is a simple person. I told her she prolly wouldn't understand how I am, like that stuff in the psychology book, and she thinks that too, so it's nice to have an understanding. She also now thinks I'm more mature than she thought I was...I mean, I know in a way I'm more mature than other people, but then very immature in some other ways that I can't really explain. Like I'm open minded I think, and have common sense, and everyone around me just seems stupid or unreasonable most of the time, and I guess it's immature of me to think that everyone else should think one way...but I know they can't...oh nevermind, that didn't make much sense.

I feel guilty a lot of the time about..things...I mean I can feel guilty very easily. I'd feel guilty if my mum bought me something for no reason, I wouldn't have before but I do now. Like today I wanted to get a CD but I knew I didn't have any money. I'm saving it, stuffing it into my checking account before I can really use it so this year I can buy Christmas presents for my friends. Last year I don't think I did that, I felt horrible. And my mum was just like, "Oh it's okay, I'll get you a CD, because..uh...well why not?" And I told her she can't just BUY things for me for no reason...but then she said, "Yes I can, I'm your mom!" Well...hmm, yeah. But still, I haven't earned anything, not that I can. Is being a good daughter my only job? Maybe I should get a real job, although that's hard when you hate confronting strangers and being around people in general.

So when it comes to buying things, I don't really enjoy buying things. My philosophy is (or something like that) is that I know most things don't last a long time, so if I really need something, which is mainly food and clothing (and music) I'll make it something good and something I really want. No junk food, and nicely made clothes that'll hopefully last me a few years. I also like to buy pens and stationary...I don't know why, I don't use them a whole lot. I haven't gotten letters in ages. And all those little things that girls like to buy, like jewelry, makeup, accesories, bags..shoes...not really my stuff. They seems quite pointless in the long run. They wouldn't even make me happy even if for a few moments, and then when I decide to get rid of em it'd be depressing...ah...you know? I'd hate to waste money on such petty material things. I've done it before.

I have more stuff that I could say, but I'm getting tired. Actually, I'm not, but I feel bad for not doing homework although I should. And I know I probably won't start it.

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