October 22, 2000

Jook. Noveeeee. Bingo.

Those are some words. Some strings of characters. The word "Novee" popped in my head, and I hadn't the slightest idea what it was, but then I realized it was from Dancer in the Dark I think. I think it's a nice name. If I ever have a kid, which I doubt will happen, I will name him/her Novee.

Yeah. My thoughts are quite interesting aren't they? I mean, interesting like, watching paint dry. Whoaaa...lookit that PAINT...it's DRYING! It is one of life's mysteries, really.

So I don't know. Not much has been bringing me down lately I suppose. I just took the PSATs yesterday, I don't think I did well on them but better than average I hope, and it doesn't count for anything anyway. So. Who cares about that. I just remembered, in 8th grade we took these looong standadized tests where we had to write a bunch of essays and do an oral presentation, and I never found out how I did on that. I really wish I knew.

I talked to my mum a bit about my depression..well not that really, more like what my life is like and what I think of things:

"I don't have...THAT many friends...erm...well let's see...nope."
"I haven't made that many new friends...am I supposed to?"
"It's not like I don't LIKE people...actually..maybe I don't..nah, they don't like me."
"Duh, everyone has guy friends! I mean, except me, when I refer to everyone I usually exclude myself."
"I don't like English. No, I'm just not very good at it."
"I like the way I dress! Wha-, you want me to dress like I'm cultured? All nice and stuff? But I'm not. I don't look like a hobo! I don't like clothes. MY SNEAKERS ARE FINE! No, I am NOT getting new sneakers."
"Yes, you do eat more than me, but you see, everything I eat turns into fat, everything you eat mysteriously disappears."
"It's stupid to talk on the phone all the time with friends you see every day in school! And that's why I don't do it. You WANT me to be like everyone else and tie up the phone lines?! That is crazy!"
"Okay, school is more than education, it's about learning people skills...but I'm not LEARNING any! Sooo..."
"Yes, mom, Beck is very skinny."

I like my mum, but she doesn't understand some stuff. Well she doesn't make me feel very good about myself, so I think I'll stop talking to her about my ..stuff. Everything else is okay though, it's fun to talk to her sometimes.

I like sashimi when it's cooked. I know you're supposed to eat it raw, but it tastes a million times better when you cook it. Like a variety plate of fish. Mm. That raw stuff, it ain't GOOD!

I'm a little sad, I think I've really lost contact with a lot of my friends, mainly the ones from Taiwan. Like I haven't the slightest idea how they're doing, really. I was reading one of my friend's online diaries and I didn't really understand any of it, I'm missing out on everyone's lives really. I should stop reading it then. I'd totally lose contact then but then I won't ..I dont know. I guess when things disappoint me I just try to shut them out, but not really, it's what I'd LIKE to do but I don't. I'm mean I'm sort of disappointed with myself, but not like I've committed suicide, so that's good.

I want a robot. Not like a read one, just little toy robots. They're quite cute. Not those power ranger things, like funky old toy robots made of metal. Those are cool.

You want to know something? This person...this person ate all this FOOD...and then that person threw up. Yeah. I know. What's up with that?

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