October 27, 2000

I was just thinking that this whole depression thing just came about since 8th grade, but now that I think about it it's been going on my whole life. I wasn't depressed too much in 6th and 7th grade but when I was I remember it being pretty bad, and when I was little I remembered being most depressed in math and gym class, I think those were my worst classes. I mean, the only times I've ever cried in school all occured during GYM which means I've got some problem with it, eh? I mean, it's not like this happens every day, it rarely happens, but it HAS happened and that bugs me, like I feel like I'm one of those wussy little girls who is hurt by the slightest mean remark or just stupid little things, which is true but I won't go crying about it...if something bothers me I try to not look like it bothers me, although if I'm in a bad mood I won't really care and I'll be pissy or something.

Like today; English usually pisses me off...that's the class where I see one of my friends who is quite strange, she doesn't piss me off directly but she's just...ugh. Nah, I won't divulge her personal life to everyone, but she likes this guy who's an idiot and the whole thing is just stupid, it pisses me off that she doesn't just get ON with her life and stop thinking about this guy. If anyone is wondering, she's friends with this guy. Yeah..soo...for some unrelated reason, I think, I was just very sad, I was sort of hugging my backpack and near crying, there are about a million instances where I'm near tears but prolly .01% of those times do I actually cry, and it prolly wouldn't look all that good. Crying makes your face look messed up anyway, it's just a big mess. So I just got myself together and put my backpack on the floor, got my stuff out, yadda yadda...

English is where we do all those class discussions and crap, and thus far I have never contributed to one or made the slightest effort to. My arm just won't go up, I can't make it. So instead I took my mechanical pencil and started scratching a star design into the back of my hand. If you do that it'll break the tiny blood vessels underneath and scratch off those dead skin cells, and then you rub it a little and leave it for a while for the design to show through. My hand was looking all pink and stuff first but then later it was cool, a star appeared. It doesn't hurt too much, it's better than taking a knife and cutting your wrists right? And it's something to do, takes your mind off other things I think. Oo, I can still see the star! It's really faint though...

Eek, the Yankees just won the World Series some minutes ago...I was rooting for the Mets, just cos they're the underdogs, I don't actually favor one team over the other. One of my friends likes them and a lot of people give her a hard time about it...yikes, it's not gonna be so good tomorrow, all the Yankees fans are gonna be like "Yankee's RULE!" although they've been doing that for the past week already. I wouldn't imagine the World Series being a very big deal in the rest of the country, well of course not as much as it is here. I mean, this is just NJ and..yeah. Stuff.

I'm really disliking computer sciences. I guess it's not really a hard class but my FRIGGIN PROGRAM won't work! Will anyone help me? God I hate it. And then there are a bunch of annoying people in my class who don't seem to care that they're pissing off the teacher, I mean my teacher is a pretty nice person and he doesn't go all freaky mad on them or anything, he just gives them detentions and stuff. You'd think these guys would get the picture though...

And that is my da, pretty much. I like airplanes...I cut out this picture of an airplane flying among white poofy clouds, it's a nice picture...sort of like..."the sky is a big place!" Well duh...

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