October 16, 2000

God I dunno what I've been like lately, really, now so very depressed but having bad thoughts, not real morbid but uh, I hope they're not NORMAL or anything. Like when I was walking home from school I was hoping I'd get run over my a car, cos then I thought maybe I'd get to go to thge hospital and never go back to school, I mean I don't want brain damage, and I want my hands to be okay, but you know...uh...broken leg, organs mushed around, something bad but not deadly. I guess I'm not too keen on dying but really, like just smash me into a tree or something. I'm not gonna run out into the middle of the road or anything but..I don't know.

Also while walking home I passed by some dogs who were barking madly at me, I mean if there wasn't a fence I was sure they woulda gone after me. I was thinking, "Hey that wouldn't be so bad, I'd get scraped up a bit, some flesh wounds, maybe they'd step on my head, I hope I could handle this," but I want somethign to happen to me, just for some excuse to not go to school anymore.

And another thing I was just thinking now is that I should have some freaky breakdown in class, like a violent outburst, maybe I could throw a desk across the room or something. I prolly couldn't, they're heavy...the desks in my school are the ones attached to the seats. But anyway. Yeah. I'm too wussy to do that, I sort of wish there WAS some really wrong with me mentally so I'd actually DO something and then someone would realize that my mind ain't all "there" you know? But no one knows. And no one really cares or can do anything about it. That makes things even MORE frustrating if you can imagine. I'd have to be really pissed off to be violent, I'm NEVER violent. I think I'm too lazy. Yeah. SOMEONE PISS ME OFF! Give me a reason to do something stupid.

I wasn't born with a disorder, I just somehow developed this weird mentality of mine. How did THAT happen? Where did I go wrong? I mean, I never did anything wrong in school, never caused the teachers grief, my parents haven't ever been real mean to me, they're not strict but they're there if I need em, my brother is nice to me, my classmates aren't mean to me, so WHAT IS WRONG!? I don't feel like being psychoanalyzed or anything by a psychiatrist but if one of them could tell me what the hell IS going on, that would be appreciated.

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