September 06, 2000

You know what's been bothering me? Of course not. I was just thinking about marching band. I used to be in it last year, and since then I've quitted it. I mean, it sounds so bad, saying I QUIT, I'd prefer to say that...I've left it to pursue something else. Which would be not to be in marching band. You probably think that's stupid. You're free to think whatever you want.

Okay, so what is up with me and marching band? Some kind of burning hatred? No, I don't HATE it, I say I hate things but I don't mean it. I mean, it just wasn't right for me! Is that SO HARD for people to understand? I mean, geez, people are like, "Hey Robyn, you aren't in marching band?" NO! I'm not! And me not being there doesn't affect you at all! And do you want to know why? Because at ever frickin practice I either just sat there, or stood there, with no one to talk to usually, or perhaps sometimes someone would tell me to move over, but that was pretty much it. It's not easy, marching band is hard work and I can't put my heart and soul into something I don't love. And I definitely didn't love marching band. I didn't do a half-assed job either, I tried as hard as I could, and with a mixture of not liking it, and being depressed at every practice (EVERY practice, at one point or another, little things make me sad. Just seeing a bunch of people together, laughing and having a great time made me sad), you can imagine I wasn't very good.

At the end of practice I would feel tired, depressed, worthless, yadda yadda, there are lots of other words but I'd have to get my thesaurus. And why? No one ever made me feel welcome. Okay...that might not be true, people attempted, but they didn't really try. Maybe someone would go, "Hey Robyn!" that's all I can think of. I'd kindly say "hi" or wave or...something. These people were just being polite. Most wouldn't actually develop a conversation with me, but I guess I should give them credit for being...polite.

This is also my fault. I never attempted to fit in either. Everyone had their own friend that they were inseperable it seemed. Or they had a great big group of friends. We'll say that no one made me feel like I was the special friend, I mean I didn't intend anyone too. There isn't one person in my school who I would consider inseperable from me or a best friend. No one really knows me very well. They all think I'm...quiet, shy, annoying, goofy, I mean I AM, but I'm not genuinely happy here, and that's why I can't really act like...myself. TRULY myself. Only partly. Like...60%. That is also my fault, I haven't really tried to be happy here I suppose.

So I guess, in the end, everything is my fault, eh? That's dandy.


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