September 14, 2000

Oh I know what poop must feel like, cos I feel so crappy today. It's a combination of being sick and mentally, being odd, and right now I'm home alone which adds to the constant loneliness of me.

Why? I don't KNOW! I hate that. I just hate it when something is wrong with me, and I don't know what! I'm horrible at explaining things. Does this happen to anyone else, or am I completely alone on this? I just don't know what's wrong but I feel so sad and depressed, I think if I didn't have to go to school I wouldn't feel so bad, but I do. Because I'm pretty well composed at school I guess. I've always thought the reason I don't like to tell people about my depressiveness and stupid problems is because I don't want it to rub off on them, because chances are they WOULD and who needs that, eh? Yeah. So if you're reading this now and thinking "Oh this is sad, now I'm depressed," then I'm sorry.

I got a C- on that English summer reading essay. It's not really bothering me much though. Thank god for that. A C+ would have been a little nicer though.

So back to me complaining about nothing...uh..yup. That's about it. It's sad though, I don't know anyone I can talk about this face-to-face with, I mean not like I want to go to a shrink or something, I don't think that would help. But it'd be nice to have someone around here that I could talk to. What is WRONG with everyone here? I think I expect too much out of people. Sigh. I don't know what to think of my friends here, I don't think any of them would understand this strange mentality I have, but I've never told em about it either...so maybe they would...but maybe I don't want them to. Maybe I don't want to get close to any of my friends here cos even though I know they wouldn't REJECT me or anything, our relationships wouldn't be the same...maybe. I haven't the slightest idea. I can't afford to lose any friends.

Last night I was thinking I was a horrible person. I don't feel like talking about it now though, maybe tomorrow.

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