September 18, 2000

Man, I'm feeling so strange right now, like my stomach is going to explode or something. Well not explode, but it hurts a little. Maybe I have a psychological disorder! I mean, seriously, I was thinking about it because for English, we had to list things about Holden in Catcher in the Rye that may indicate he has a psychological disorder. Well he's got more problems than I do, but I don't show my problems, they're all in my head, which really drives me crazy sometimes! But I wouldn't be surprised if there really was something wrong with me.

In English we had a class discussion about Catcher in the Rye because we just finished it, and the teacher was putting emphasis on the fact that we could raise our grades and stuff with our participation points and I've been thinking about that all day. Frankly I don't recall ever taking part in a class discussion. I've probably had countless opportunities to, but I swear that I never have! And that scares me a bit, like what exactly have I been doing in school for the past 10 years anyway? I've come to the comclusion I'm just a slow thinking, because I sat there in class today, thinking of what I could say, but someone else always got to it before I could, or it just sounded stupid in my head. Lots of things do.

Another thing I was thinking about, last night in bed I was thinking about mistakes I make in class, like calling out answers and stuff. I don't raise my hand much so I don't really have much chance to mess up, but I can remember all the times I have! Or a lot of times that I have, and it's scary. These things are so miniscule, and don't mean much, I mean aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes? But I don't feel like I've learned much, maybe I just haven't made enough. I still remember in 4th grade, we were going over the math homework in a circle, and every time it was my turn to say an answer I got it wrong! For some reason, every OTHER answer I had was right but ever time it landed on me I was wrong. I was just sitting in the wrong spot...but I was really sad after that, I almost cried. Just a little reminder of how pathetic I am. I remember in 8th grade, in French class we were doing some excersizes from the book orally and I had no idea what I was supposed to say, I just stared at the book blankly, I wasn't really lost but I didn't know what we were doing. Does that make sense? At least the teacher knew I was a good student, cos I think after that he just called on someone else.

And today in French class we were doing oral excersizes and we do that in the language lab, which has compturs and headphones and that stuff. We all sit in our own booths and when the teacher calls on you, you speak in the microphone and it's freaky cos like, you hear your own voice and everyone else hears it too. The teacher called on me for something and I didn't reallky expect it and I totally funbled comjugating this verb. I know it SOUNDS stupid, but I couldn't remember so I sort of made something. The worst thing is that the teacher wrote it on the board, and even though I saw it and read it, I still said the wrong thing and I said it about three times, like what I saw just wouldn't compute in my head. It freaked me out!

Sigh. Other stuff is bothering me too, but I'd like to go to bed, it's about midnite and I've got another wonderful fun filled day of school ahead of me! Can you feel the joy? No? Neither can I.


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