September 11, 2000

I'm not sure if I hate school. I definitely don't enjoy it, but it's not extremely hard or bad. I just...don't like it. I don't really have any good reasons. It's just a feeling, I get lots of those feelings that you just can't explain. School just feels cold and uncomfortable I guess.

Today there were class meetings and at the sophomore meeting, the class supervisor was talking about raising school spirit, or something like that, and how this year Spirit Week would be a bigger deal than last year. I don't think there is anything my school can do to raise my school spirit. I mean, the whole environment has to change I think. When I went to TAS (Taipei American School) I just HAD school spirit, and so did everyone else. Well there were always those few people that didn't, but very few I think. But in this school not many people have school spirit and that just rubs off on everyone else. Pep rallies are pretty bad too. Sigh.

So I was just pondering that. Maybe cos kids in my school don't have that much freedom. I mean, I don't think so...compared to TAS at least. I don't remember having to be constantly reminded of the rules and stuff like that, yet here it's like teachers are always reminding us about them. First of all, the cafeteria and the commons have signs with lists of rules posted all over and then...sigh. Blargh. It's like we're all potential criminals...especially last year when we had that drug bust. We were all locked in our classrooms while policemen and those drug sniffing dogs roamed the hallways. I heard they found one bag of marijuana, I expected them to find more. Hm. Well if you leave drugs in your locker you're a real dumb-ass and just for being stupid you ought to be punished...

Today at lunch there were like, 10 people at my table, half of them I didn't know. I mean, I know I don't OWN the table but last year it was just me and my friend, Sheryl, who sat at it. Last week we were still the only people sitting at it, and today, all of a sudden here come all these people I don't know. God forbid that I TALK to them, or they talk to me, you know, cos something like...CONVERSATION WITH ROBYN is just UNHEARD OF! What is it with me that people just don't want to talk to me? I've got this feeling that no one really likes me...well not NO one, but not that many people, which isn't fair cos no one knows me very well. I mean I don't make judgements about people I don't know, because I think that'd be unfair. I'm not being paranoid, trust me, but I'll be sitting right next to my friend, who someone will be chatting up a storm with, and I'll be blankly staring at the wall, or my desk; I don't know how to talk to people...my GOD! I'm such a loser!

...well THAT was a confidence booster, eh? WOOHOO! Go me. I'll keep wallowing in my sorrow, it gives me something to think about. As long as I can control myself, then I wont need...prozac..or that other drug, the one for people who get really freaked out around people and stuff. Actually I COULD use some of that stuff. I was wondering just how shy I am. I can talk up a storm with someone, if we're talking about a topic I can contribute a lot to, but otherwise I get incredibly uncomfortable around people, even if I've known em since elementary school. Isn't that weird? Sometimes I talk very loudly and get very strange, but other times I talk so softly you can barely understand what I'm saying. Other times I'll be very quiet and not draw any attention to myself, and other times I'll be laughing, having a great time, and appear rather outgoing. I know I don't have multiple personalities or anything, but I find the whole thing very strange. Don't you? I'll prolly have more to say about this later...oh happy day, our savior has arrived.

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