September 30, 2000

I just realized I haven't posted anything in a while...well not much has been happening. Yesterday was definitely a bad day though.

It didn't start off too badly. But then 4th period English came. We had to get into our groups for the Catcher in the Rye project, like think of ideas and stuff. So I sat there, staring at the other members of my group rather blankly, cos I didn't have anything to contribute. I felt bad too, cos everyone else contributed something but me! I was completely devoid of anything intellectual to say. Everything everyone else was saying sounded so...correct, like they really knew what they were talkin about. And I read Catcher in the Rye like the rest of em yet I couldn't think of anything. It's sad really. Maybe I have some kind of disability, I think slower than the other people in my class. :(

Next depressing moment was in computer science. That class just frustrates me cos I dont know how to make the programs and stuff, like the dude next to me was going "This is so easy!" Errrgh! And I finished my program, compiled it, and it said I didn't have any errors...and then I tried to run it and it wouldn't work. That just got me very depressed. And there wasn't anyone to help me cos I don't really have any friends in that class. Everyone else seems to be friends with..someone, errrgh! I don't know. So I just stopped working on it like, 5 minutes before the period ended, cos I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere, and I sat at my desk with my head on my backpack trying to sleep. Sigh.

I noticed that something wasn't right...I felt like I was forgetting something, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Then I realized it...I had forgotten my clarinet in one of my classes. It was either French or English...I think it was English. I was pretty worried all throughout lunch, cos if I lost my clarinet I was screwed.

Lunch was definitely more drowning-in-sorrow time. While worrying about my clarinet, I was left at the table alone. My friend who sits with me at lunch decided she wanted to go home (we had an early dismissal so school would be out after lunch anyway) even if it was just 40 minutes early. She knew that if she left I'd be all alone, well at least I think she did. And if she didn't, she should have known. I wrote some letters instead of eating, cos I wanted to go out and eat with my mum when I got home.

When lunch/school had ended I went back to my French and English class to see if my clarinet was there, and it's a bit of a walk from the cafeteria. And of course, as I predicted, the classrooms were locked. Wonderful, eh? Now I couldn't practice. Although I guess I wouldn't anyway.

Luckily as I was leaving the 300 wing (the language wing) I saw my friend Aliza and walked outside to wait with my mum with her. That was nice I suppose, better than being alone. While out there she started chatting with this other friend which didn't annoy me or anything but then someone else came over too I think and they were all talking about what present to get some person, I guess someone was having a party. I mean I prolly didn't even know the person (they kept saying her name was Jen and there must be a bagillion "Jens") and if I did I wouldn't have fun at the party anyway, but I just felt so awkward standing there while other people were talking about "oo what are you going to wear? what are you getting her?" and stuff like that, you know? To tell you the truth it was just pissing me off for no good reason, like I wanted to puke, I'm horrible in that way. I'm horrible! It's not comfortable to be horrible.

So I walked away from them as silently as I could (not very easy, I was wearing a bright red sweatshirt) and stood maybe 50 feet away. And I wanted to cry, which was really weird, cos...it's stupid! Isn't it? I wasn't horrible sad...uh..unless I really was. I don't know. But I didn't cry, my eyes just welled up with water. I hate crying, it's messy. Yuck.

And I got home and the rest of the day went dandy. Glee.

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